Taking the First Step

Last night my friends and I successfully gathered for our first support group.  I've been trying to pull one together for months now.  It was a relief to talk with other women who struggle with the same things that I do.  Who have the same emotions, feelings, and challenges that I do.  Although we are in different places our goal is the same, over come our dysfunctional relationship with food.  We took turns going around talking about our struggles.  We then read the first step in the Church's addiction recovery program.  It was comforting to know that even if we have the smallest desire to change, we can begin the process. 

My goal for this week is to complete the study and understanding section of Step 1.  I am also going to incorporate 12 power foods into my daily life.  I'm pretty excited.  I am ready to cleanse myself and allow the Atonement to help me overcome and move forward.  I know it's not going to be easy.  Change sometimes isn't easy and takes a lot of work, study and more work.  I just need to remember to not give up.  I CAN'T give up. 

Step 1-- Honesty.

There were several quotes that were profound:

A recognition of what you lose by indulging in your addiction can help you find the desire to stop.  If you can find even the smallest desire, you will have room to begin step 1.  And as you progress through the steps of this program and see the changes that come into your life, your desire will grow.

I didn't think I lost anything when I indulged.  As I thought more about is last night I realized that I lose out on my relationship with my kids, I withdrawal from my husband, and I feel abandoned by God.  I also lose hope that I have the strength to overcome. 

President Boyd K. Packer of the Quorum of the Twelves taught: "The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior.  Preoccupation with unworthy behavior can lead to unworthy behavior."

All I can think about is how fat I am and how I don't want to be fat anymore.  In that thought process I become fat.  This quote has given me a new way to combat my problem.  Stop obsessing about my fat, and start studying doctrine.  It is through the study of Christ that I will begin to finally change.  Because that change will come from the INSIDE, not the outside. 

I've never been good at studying or research.  This will be a tremendous challenge for me.  But it's a challenge I'm willing to take on. 

Getting Older Sucks

Of course I haven't been writing because the quest has been stalled.  I feel badly for not writing through my pain and disappointments.  Life isn't all about ups, it has it's downs too.  It just feels like I haven't had much visible success.  I know I've grown a lot spiritually, but that's not reflecting my physical body.  I was hoping that it would.  But it hasn't.  I know that I need to put the Lord first.  I believe I've known this for a long time and have yet to act upon it.  I need to get up early and read my scriptures instead of worrying about a work-out.  I need to exercise my spirit as well as my physical body. 

When it comes to my body, I'm so disappointed.  I refuse to go out and get new pants that fit me better.  The tight pants are a reminder every day that I need to change something.  And something needs to change quickly.  I have been making efforts to eat better and eliminate certain foods during the day, i.e. candy, cookies, and chips.  Life is so much better now that Halloween is over and done with and all the candy is in the garbage. But there has been no change, for good, in my weight.  In fact I have actually GAINED more weight.  What the heck?  So discouraging.  I really do just want to give up on this aging body of mine.  I know I'm still just in my thirties, but I really do feel as though it's harder to lose weight then it was in my twenties.  Eegads, man.  The wrinkles are a little deeper and more defined, the gray hairs are more and more.  Now that I've started dying my hair my roots look worse and worse.  So begins the cycle of dying my hair.  Gag a mag.  What is a girl to do? 

For one, stop the pitty party and do SOMETHING  about it.  I've seen lots of older people lose weight.  I know the science is there, fewer calories in more lbs lost.  If it were only that simple.  Unfortunately there are a lot of emotions connected to the food that I choose to eat.  I want to lose weight badly.  If it were that easy with will power.  But will power is weak when an addiction is attached.

I've gained so much valuable information in the last 6 months that I'm confused on where to begin.  I know the change that I desire has to come from the inside first.  No matter how much weight I lose, if I don't find peace with who I am, I will still be un-happy.  And all the weight will come back on, as it has in the past.  It always comes back.  I've kept a portion of the weight off.  But not completely.

I need for my lifestyle to change.  For me to look at veggies as life food, not diet food.  I know I've said this before.  I continue in my own personal cycle.  I want for this cycle to end. 

I am going to go and purchase the new 12 step program that is used by the LDS church.  I am going to start on step 1.  I know that with the help of gospel principles and the Atonement of Jesus Christ I will find that change I desire on the inside.  **Sigh**

Getting older still sucks, right now.  I know that my older self can feel just as good as my younger self.  I do have to make some major changes for that to happen. 

I am going to be more diligent in writing as well.  I know that I will have more success if I am honest with myself and write things down. 

I did purchase another diet book that I am excited to try.  I am going to start it on Monday.  I'm a creature of habit, and I always have to start things new on a Monday.  Besides, my book isn't coming until Thursday. 

I still desire change, I still desire weight loss, I'm just taking the really, really, really, really, really long way to get there.  It will happen, I'm confident of that. 

Day 4: Getting better prepared

Last night I called Melissa in tears.  Trying to please Diet Power has comletely psyched me out.  I had to call her to get my mind smoothed out.  She gave me some great advice and a guide to follow.  She gave me 12 groups to choose from.  Advising me to mix 3 or 4 of these to make a meal.  She still encouraged me to count my calories.  But if I choose from these groups things should balance out. 
1- Almonds, nuts
2- Beans, legumes
3- Spinach, green, yellow, red bell peppers, dark veggies
4- Dairy
5- Oatmeal
6- Eggs
7- Turkey, tilapia, chicken
8- Peanut, Almond, or Cashew Butter
9- Whole grains
10- Whey protein powder, Ricotta cheese
11- Berries, melon
12- Olive Oil

This is just a quick run through.  I'm hoping to get the book from her to read more on it.  I've talked about this before, a little, in an effort to take the guess work out of eating, and easy on the wallet, I'm making a daily menu and eating it for a week.  The only thing that is going to differ is dinner.  And even then, just the protein is going to differ.  I'm going to try and not eat carbs at dinner, and just a huge salad with a side of veggies.  I've done this in the past and noticed a difference just after a week, in my belly that is.  One of my huge trouble areas. 

I worked out with M this morning and wanted to cry.  I forgot how hard her workouts are.  Even though they are difficult, they are equally rewarding.  Knowing I survived and didn't die is a miracle.  I might feel like fainting or vomiting, but as long as I can  walk out of the house its all good.

Day 3: I might as well start all over again

It's been another crappy day eating.  I'm trying not to over analyse my eating.  But I am.  So I turn to the stupid Halloween candy for comfort.  Since I can't figure out what the right things are to eat, I eat what comforts me.  Which is the most ridiculous thing to do when you are trying to lose weight and change your life.  I never brought my Halloween candy to Melissa.  Well, that will happen for sure tomorrow morning. 

I think my problem is poor planning.  I don't have a menu planned out, I don't have the right foods stocked in my fridge and pantry.  That is a set up for failure!  I'm going to sit down this evening and plan out my menu.  Everything from Breakfast, lunch, dinner and two snacks.  I can't be shooting from the hip.  That just doesn't work for me. 

I'm trying not to let myself get down.  I know I'm not retarded when it comes to food.  But for some reason this go around I am certainly struggling more then usual.  I thought this diet power dvd was going to be the answer to all my prayers.  But it's just added to my woes!!

One thing is for sure.  I'm not willing to give up so easy.  I'm not going to.  I've learned so much in the last few months that something has to give, change. 

I did manage to go on two walks today totaling 60 minutes.  Yay me!

Day 2: Not so Good

I could have had a better day.  But I didn't.  I volunteered a month ago to make lunch for the Camp Meeting for today.  I made two different types of pizza and a pasta/spinach salad.  How could I NOT eat and indulge in all that scrumptious food?  So I didn't.  And it was good.  And I feel guilty.  To add injury to insult I ate more then I needed to of Halloween Candy.  UGH!!!  On top of all of that they had a great meal at Enrichment, Cafe Rio Burritos!  How could I NOT pass that up?  So I didn't.  I am proud to say that I didn't eat all of the cheesecake they served.  I probably ate 3/4 of it. 

It was NOT a good day.  I'm so glad tomorrow is a new day.  I think the whole grade thing is what's throwing me for a loop on that Diet Power.  I'm stumped as to how to get a stinking A.  I think the key is to eat low-fat protiens.  I think I'll try that approach tomorrow.  That has to be how to get an A.

I did make it to M's house to work out.  I am already feeling the effects of that.  It's been 6 months, and it shows.  My back is weak, my core is weak, and I can't do as many push-ups.  But at least I'm back in the game again. 

Thank goodness tomorrow is a new day.  I pray that it will be better. 

Day 1: So Far, So Good

I woke up early this morning to do the p90x stretch DVD.  It felt good.  I just wish I had uninterrupted time.  Between Hubs leaving for work, and Child #1 getting ready for school, it was a bust.  But I was determined to get in at least 30 minutes, and what I did felt good. 

Eating has been great.  According to Diet Power I'm only getting a F.  How in the heck am I going to get an A?  Veggies don't count for a high number, which I thought they would.  I guess there is a learning curve to the program and I'm willing to plug along to learn it.  It is good to sit down after every meal and log what I'm eating and how many calories.  Halloween Candy is still lurking around my house, and at Grandma's.  I could have so easily stuck my hand out and eaten 2,3 or 4 small candies.  But that habit is what has gotten me 10lbs heavier then I was in the beginning of the summer.  I simply stopped thinking about them and went on my merry way.  As for the candy in my own pantry, that's a different story.  I am going to have to take a new strategy to that.  I'm going to call up M and ask if she will hold onto my candy for me.  My kids don't need it, I don't need, not even the Hubs needs it.  She can keep it till Christmas when the stockings need to be stuffed!!  How does that sound for strategy?  Tell me it's good.

I didn't get to work out at 9am.  Sigh.  Hubs insisted I run a few errands before my regular routine of cleaning Grandma's house.  I am determined to get in at least 60 minutes of exercise.  That means instead of being gone for 30 minutes this afternoon, I'll be gone for 60 minutes.  I HAVE to get in 60 minutes.   For me and body type and genetics, exercise is crucial.  It does wonders to my front butt, and my mind.  This week looks to be a glorious Autumn event.  I'm thrilled with the forcasted Temps and hope to take full advantage. 

I made it on my job/walk this afternoon.  I went for 40 minutes. 

The thing that frustrates me the most is not getting an A on that stupid program.  I ate too much fat today thinking I was doing well.  I stayed within my calorie budget, but went over on fat.  I guess I need a lesson on good protiens that are low in fat.  HELP!!  I'll experiment with chicken and tilapia and see where that gets me.  UGH!!!

I'm not giving up.  It's only the first day.  It was a good day!! 

Being Truely Grateful

Yesterday I called M so she could get her brain wrapped around the idea of me coming again every Tuesday and Thursday morning.  I've missed getting beat up and the change that comes only through weight training.  I talked with M  for a good hour, or more.  I had a huge a-ha moment while talking with her.

Lately I've been focused on being more grateful.  I realized that I have never thanked my Heavenly Father for the body that he has given.  Cuz I've never been grateful for it.  Or when I was grateful for my body I never expressed it.  I thought I had been thankful. As the sentenced tried to make it's way out of my mouth it came to a scretching halt.  No, I have not once, not ever never said I'm thank you for my body. 

Besides my extra weight, what do I have to complain about?  I could hike up a mountain if I wanted to.  It would be a bit difficult, but I could do it.  I can go on a walk, a run.  Go for a swim a bike ride.  I have the ability to care for my children, cook dinner, carry my laundry up and down the stairs, pull weeds from the garden, mow my lawn, stretch my every aching body. 

I truely believe that if we have more gratitude in our lives we become a happier, more loving people.  Maybe this is true of myself.  If I am more grateful and show that gratitude for my body, is it possible for me to start treating myself with love and respect and become happier?  That is my hope, my prayer.  Gratitude for my body is something I am going to start expressing to my Heavenly Father.  This is the vessel in which he gave me to experience this life.  How can I NOT be grateful for that.

Preparations

I am preparing to start a new way of life on Nov. 1st.  In the past 2 months I have gained 4lbs.  Which is disheartening to me.  And it's all due to me eating like I'm a teenager.  I'm not even in my twenties, but my mid-thirties.  This type of eating is just not sustainable for my ever changing and maturing body.  This way of life must stop and change into something more grown-up and sophisticated. 

My hope is to make permanent changes that will help me to loose weight and maintain a healthy lifestyle.  I know that it is not going to "just happen".  I have to put my faith to work.  And it is going to be work.  Temptations are still going to be there and I am going to have to fight them everyday. 

I was introduced to a program called Diet Power 4.4 that tracks your calories and exercise.  I have set a goal to lose 10lbs by December 31st.  My husband thinks I'm crazy to do it over the holidays.  But the holidays come around every year.  I want to prove to myself that I am strong enough to make the right choices and to overcome temptations.  I'm just tired of my pants not fitting.  Something has to be done. 

I am still going to be working on my addiction to food through He Did Deliver Me From Bondage.  There are issues that still need to be addressed and a void that I'm still trying to fill with food. 

I am going to run through the rest of the Fall and Winter.  I know that running really does help me lose weight.  I'm going to still run outside when the sun is shining, when possible.  I am going to wake up before the sun and do yoga and stretching.  This is important to my mental and back health.  I'm so over getting up and beating myself up with hard aerobics.  That can wait till later in the day.  I want to wake up slowly and give myself a little love.  I am going to start adding in weight training.  I've missed that more then anything.  I just don't have the self motivation to do it on my own.  Enter Melissa. 

I haven't been blogging for fear of failure.  There is a certain number that I get down to and I can't seem to get past that number.  I can never seem to go longer then 3 months.  This trend must stop.  I have to get below that plateau number.  I will.  I have to.  It's for my health, my life, and my spirituality.  I know I've said this before.  I have a lot of conviction this time and a lot more perspective.  I'm ready.  I want my life to be full of vigor and joy.  Not tiredness and mediocre.

I'm starting my 100 days over.  I'm breaking it down by 30 days at a time.  November 1st, 2010 will be the beginning day.  The 100th day will be February 10th.  Unfortunately I now have 30lbs to lose instead of just 20.  100 days will not be efficent for me to reach my goal.  But I will be closer then I am today.  And we have to start somewhere. 

I know I am not the only one struggling.  I open this blog up to anyone who would like to join me in my quest.  I am going to be posting questions from He Did Deliver Me From Bondage and hope to get insight from others who are struggling just like I am.  I know that there is great power in numbers.  My hope is that we all can learn and overcome together. 

Just Blabbing about Blubber

Last night I watched the Biggest Loser.  How can you watch that show and NOT get inspired.  One thing I'm always reminded of when I watch that show is the amount of weight I have to lose.  I am truly grateful to have just 30lbs to lose instead of 130lbs.  Still, 30lbs still seems like a lot when you have to get it done.  The whole eating right and exercising.  Watching those people puke and sweat and cry and faint,sheesh.  I realized that I am not working hard enough to reach my goals either.  I still have to learn to put my Faith into action.  I can't see myself thin, I've never been good at visualization.  But I know that if I eat right and exercise that goal will come to fruition.  My day to day actions will bring me closer and closer to my desired goal.  Just like my day to day actions as a Mother will hopefully, one day, produce righteous children.  Cooking, cleaning, laundry, helping with homework, teaching FHE, family prayer, family scripture study have to amount to something, right?  All that takes Faith. 

And Faith without works is dead.  Not only am I trying to figure out this whole eating thing without dieting, I've designated 9-10am as my workout time.  This morning I did Tae-Bo.  LOVE Tae-bo!!  I need more of those kinds of workouts.  In addition to that I am praying more then just in the morning and at night.  I know I'm not strong enough to do this on my own.  I have to put my Faith in something that is far stronger and more powerful then myself.  I find that I am praying a lot. 

I am still waiting to get back my Best Life diet book back from a friend.  I am excited to dive into that.  Liz, if your reading this I would love for you to join me.  And anyone else who would like to loving change your life. 

I'm tired and worn out.  It's been a long day.  I still think about food most of the day.  I am trying to re-focus my thoughts.  I've been so wrapped up in that type of thinking it's going to take a lot of work to get new thoughts to replace the old ones.  I know it's possible.  Writing helps a lot. 

I have to confess, that since I let go of dieting I am so much happier, with me, on the inside.  I'm a little heavier too, as I mentioned before.  But dang, I'm happier.  Now if I could just balance that happiness with how I feel about my body.  That is my ultimate goal.  I can feel it, it's happening.  Slowly, but surely, it's all coming together. 

That was a long blab session!

Frustrated to the Max

I am beyond frustrated with myself. At this point in my life with all the ah-ha, light-blub, moments I should be happy to find myself on a pathway that leads to light and truth. That just isn't the case. As much as I don't want this journey to be about weight, it is. I'm saddened that I have gained 7lbs over the summer. You might think, 7lbs, what ev. But that makes a huge difference in the way your clothes fit, and that trickles down to how you feel about yourself.

I'm just grateful that I am attacking this problem from another perspective. I really want to eat my way out of the feelings that I am feeling right now. But that would be asinine. I know what it would feel like at the other end, terrible. Food is not going to get me through my feelings right now. Writing them down, is.

What are the emotions surging through my body right now? Disgust, discouragement, disappointment, anger, frustration, and sadness.

What am I going to do to move on? It already feels better to own the feelings. My weight and perspective on life isn't going to change in a week or a month. Patience, waiting, persevering, sticking to the plan is what I have to do at this moment. I ate my lunch. I ate what I wanted. I am a little too full which means I didn't stop when I was hungry. Which means I probably numbed a little of those harsh feelings.

I'm going to now wait until snack time. I'm not hungry. I don't want to eat. What I want is to nurture my throbbing soul, feed it some joy and goodness and move on with my day.

Without Works

This past Sunday we had a wonderful lesson on Faith. As I've indicated before, Faith is the first step to change. The lesson manual states:

Faith is a principle of action and power that motivates our day-to-day activities... Each day we act upon things we hope for when we cannot see the end result. This is Faith.

Now that I've put off the idea of dieting I realize that sitting around waiting for change to happen is stupidity. Although it's liberating to say that I am not ever going to diet again, I still have to put my faith into action.

Where does my Faith lie? Definitely not in my self. I think that is where fear comes in. I've done the day to day actions having faith in myself, relying on my own strength to change. Every time I failed when I attempted change in that way.

Now my Faith has to lie in my Redeemer and the Atonement. I have to start working towards that change. You've heard that old saying/scripture: Faith without works is Dead.

I now have to ask myself what changes do I want to make? Who is the person I want to be and how do I accomplish that? Most of these changes are the same when I relied on my own strength to change.

Changes I ache for:

A healthy relationship with Food
Eat more fruits and veggies
Drink more water
Be confident in the person I am and love myself for those truths
Be a size 12.

Since change takes faith and action, what action plan am I going to go with?

I think I'm going to start simple. I keep thinking of the Bob Greene book, The Best Life Diet. Out of all the diet books that I have ever read, his was the most loving and kind way to treat yourself. His first strategy is to simply change your eating habits. Eat breakfast, lunch, afternoon snack, and dinner. So that is my first goal for the next 2 weeks. I'm just going to eat what I eat, but at those designated times. I'm also going to follow the food guidelines in Women Food and God. She urges you to eat when your hungry, eat what you want, and stop eating when your full. I have to have a beginning point. This is not asking much, but is asking me to be somewhat disciplined.

In addition to the physical change that I want to make, I'm going to take action spiritually. I am going to make a greater effort to study the atonement, renew my covenants and read my scriptures. This is KEY to the change that I want to make. This is where the real change will come. Believing truths about myself through the gospel of Jesus Christ.

I'm not sure how long this change will take. This where the day to day action without seeing the end results comes in. I want change to come instantly, but it doesn't. It never does. I have to remember to keep going and NEVER give up. Enduring to the end will reveal the change that has come over me!

Pondering, Thinking, Dreaming

I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately. I've continued to read the book Women Food and God. I came upon one of the very last chapters and it just spoke to my soul! Here is another expert from that book:

It's never been true, not anywhere at any time, that the value of a soul, of a human spirit, is dependent on a number on a scale. We are unrepeatable beings of light and space and water who need these physical vehicles to get around. When we start defining ourselves by that which can be measured or weighed, something deep within us rebels.

This too was very powerful to me:

The most challenging part of any system that addresses weight-related issues is that unless it also addressed the part of you that wants something you can't name- the heart of your heart, not the size of your thighs- it wont' work. We don't want to be thin because thinness is inherently life-affirming or lovable or healthy. If this were true, there would be no tribes in Africa in which women are fat and regal and long-lived. There would be no history of matriarchies in which women's fecundity and sheer physical abundance were worshiped. We want to be thin because thinness is the purported currency of happiness and peace and contentment in our time. And although that currency is a lie-the tabloids are filled with miserable skinny celebrities- most systems of weight loss fail because they don't live up to their promise: weight loss does not make people happy. Or peaceful. Or content. Being thin does not address the emptiness that has no shape or weight or name. Even a wildly successful diet is a colossal failure because inside the new body is the same sinking heart. Spiritual hunger can never be solved on the physical level.

I knew that even if I were to lose weight, if I didn't change something on the inside I would still be unhappy. In pondering this principle I wondered what it is that I am trying to mask when I eat. What emotion am I afraid of? What feelings drive me to eat myself into a numbness? The other day I figured it out.

For several several months now I've been doing everything the church has asked me to do. I have been reading the scriptures(even in the summer) every morning with my kids, having morning and evening prayers. I even started kneeling down individually with my kids to help them with their own prayers. We have FHE regularly, I attend the Temple once a month and I've even started studying my scriptures on a daily personal level. So why is it, through all of that hard work that my children still fight? It's at this point that I feel like a complete failure as a Mother. That's the feeling I'm trying to mask. Failure, utter and complete. Even before all my efforts, I feel like this emotion is what I've been trying to avoid and hide.

This is where satan is trying to tear me down. This is where he inserts lies. This is where I need to start inserting truths and hope. My children are still children. They will still fight. No matter how many proper principles I teach them. They still have their agency to choose to fight. Just like in Heaven, a 1/3 of the host of God's spirits chose to follow Lucifer in His presence. Does that make God a bad Father? NO!!!! Does my children fighting make me a bad mother? NO!

This is where enduring to the end makes all the difference. I need to keep on keeping on. Fighting the good fight. Keep my chin held high.

Of course I want to be thinner. A dream of mine is to be a size 12. But I feel to get to that number I have to change myself through love. I can no longer force myself to eat the way I hate. Learning to love and accept myself for the person I entered this Earth to be. Learning that it's okay to understand what my talents are, to use them and to share them. In so doing I'm not being prideful, boastful or egotistical. Telling myself that I am a good mother is also okay to do. Despite of the fighting and the constant bickering. If I remember correctly, I too fought as a child. In the end, I still love my parents and my siblings. Once I start believing the truth, I will start treating myself with love and respect.

Love = Change

Recently I've been reading this book titled, Women Food and God. So far I haven't been too impressed with it. Until I came upon this quote that struck such a strong chord with me,

"When you love something you wish it goodness; when you hate something, you wish to annihilate it. Change happens not by hatred but by love. Change happens when you understand what you want to change so deeply that there is no reason to do anything but act in your own best interest. When you inhabit your body from the inside, any other option except taking care of it is unthinkable."

That quote speaks volumes and volumes to me. I'm in the middle of wanting to change. When I think of this quote in aspect to the atonement; The Atonement is Love. The love that I feel from my Redeemer is how I'm going to accomplish this change.

I learned something else at Education Week that I'd never thought of before. I always thought that Savior and Redeemer were synonomous with each other. That they basically meant the same thing. Which is not true. They are different, but Jesus is both. A Savior is someone who saves us from our sins. A Redeemer is someone who changes us. I am in need of changing. To change myself I need to begin to see myself as the Lord does. Through eyes of someone who loves me for who I am and all that intales.

I have noticed a small change in myself. Especially over the weekend. As most of you who follow this know that I struggle to no end with weekend eating. Saturday I found I ate when I was hungry and chose good food. That is huge.

I am ready for change.

Ability to Change

Yesterday 3 of the 4 classes that I attended at Education Week were on the Atonement. I'm sure that this didn't happen just because of me. But it sure makes me grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who is aware of each of us and knows just when to give answers to prayers. I'm overwhelmed with a sense of gratitude the for the knowledge that I have gained about the Atonement. I knew it just wasn't for sinners. It's for all of us who are struggling with anything in our lives. From a wayward child to a destructive relationship with food.

I've come to realize that the Atonement is more grand and powerful then my puny little brain can comprehend. I do know that the power is there for me to use. But lately I've wondered "How do I tap into that vast power?" I got an answer to that yesterday during Brad Wilcox class. The first step is Faith and Repentance give us the desire to change. Covenants and the Holy Ghost give us the ability to change. Enduring to the end helps us recognize the change in us. That's what it's all about, change. I want to change my relationship with food, I want to change how I feel about myself. The Atonement can do that for me.

About a month ago I felt like I was grasping at air. I didn't know what direction to go or where to begin. Now, I know, I need to understand my covenants better cause that's where the change comes from. Along with prayer, fasting and scripture study I hope to find change within myself. A permanent change. I realize that it's going to be a long tedious journey of discovery. But one that I have been thirsting for.

Words of Encouragement

I've been thinking a lot the last few days on how to change my beliefs about me. How does one really begin to do that? One of the classes I went to was given by Barbara Barrington Jones. She was teaching on Words of Encouragement. How Encouragement lifts and builds you up. Opposed to critism, even "constructive" critism which tears you down. She suggesteds that Encouraging Words are like a gift, a small silver box wrapped up with a bow. You can give these gifts to all those around you, your husband, your children. Then I thought, what about giving Encouraging Words to ME. Wouldn't that be a way to build myself up and begin to change my beliefs about me?

I remember a class given my Sis. Wilson and she talked a lot about this subject. We are living in a body of flesh and bones subject to the natural woman. The natarual woman is prone to atomatically thinking bad thoughts about herself. It's like weeds. We have to work so hard to keep weeds out of our garden. They have to be pulled everyday to keep the garden clean and looking beautiful. Do I pull my weeds in my garden every day? No! And my garden suffers from it too! The beautiful plants that I've planted from seed and nourished are easily getting crowded out by the weeds that grow spontaniously. So it is with our thoughts. We have to work every day to weed out those bad thoughts so the beautiful ones can take route, so we can water them and make them grow.

My goal now is to plant beautiful seeds of encouragement. Ones that I can nourish, water and grow. I need to remember to dis-regard all the negative that comes into my head. Which is SO HARD . If I am to become truly happy with myself, I have to start chaning what I believe about. I have to start telling myself truths and begin to believe them.

How am I going to do this? A list of all the things I want to believe and become. Every morning, afternoon and evening I am going to go through my list. Some of them might already be true I just don't believe them yet.

I also might start repeating my list as a mantra during meditation. I've heard meditation can be powerful too. Right now, I'm willing to try anything out!

Changing your Beliefs

Yesterday was my first day at Education Week! Can I get a Whoop Whoop!!! I love everything about Ed. Week. Last year was a life changing experience for me and this year is on track for the same. The last class I went to was taught by Scott L. Anderson. He is an amazing speaker who instantly brings the spirit to the room.

He taught about a pattern that is found in the book of Mormon. He basically teaches that our beliefs directly effect our feelings. He spoke of Alma the younger and how he was unconscious and that was the only way the Lord could get him to change his beliefs. When he did, his feelings were changed instantly. He no longer faught against the church or hated his Father. He loved the gospel and wanted to teach others about it.

I wish I could go unconscious for 3 days to change my beliefs about myself. Just this morning I thought about how uncomfortable I was sitting in those classed because my gut has gotten so big that my pants are too tight and I feel like a stuffed sausage. Right now I believe that I am a fat and unattractive person. What are my feelings due to that belief? I really really really dislike myself(I'm trying not to use the word Hate here. Hate is such a strong word but sometimes that how I feel about myself. Hatred). Then I was reading a post by my sister and my beliefs about me as a mother came out; I fall short in so many areas. I am mediocre at best and my children deserve better.

I know this is kind of a downer. I am so sorry. One of my goals in life is to become a happy positive person. That is what I want to believe about myself. At that point I think I would have true love for myself. And it's at that precise moment when I would stop abusing food to numb myself from my beliefs about me. I want to believe that I am beautiful, a good mother a choice daughter of God who has divine nature. But how do you change years and years and years and years of false beliefs?

Would someone just come over and knock me out with a 2x4. And in 3 days wake me up and I'll be a new person. If it were only that easy!

Addiction

Last week I was searching LDS.org for articles on addiction. It was surprising, and not so surprising that all the articles I read touched on all types of addictions except the one that I am struggling with, addiction to food. I really feel that in our LDS culture it's easier for us, as women to choose food as our drug of choice. But it is never addressed. I turn to food to fill certain voids, fill moments of boredom, and the biggest one of them all, for comfort.

Still, I find these articles useful and enlightening. Even though my particular addiction is not directly addressed, the behavior is the same and can be dealt with in the same manner.

In my browsing I came upon a very interesting article dealing with the issue of energy drinks, or caffeine. Caffeine is one of those things that I want to believe that I'm NOT addicted to. But in all reality, I am. If I have to hop in my 'burb and cruise to the nearest gas station to get my fix, every single day, then it's an addiction. I was grateful for this article. It's not in the Word of Wisdom specifically, but I've heard over and over again the dangers of caffeine. I think the main reason is due to it's addictive nature. Not only the addictiveness of it, but it causes other health problems. Which I think I've heard before but stored the information in the deepest darkest crevasses of my brain. Knowing someday I would have to face the truth.

Why all this blabbing on about caffeine and addiction? Cause as of today I am OFF the wagon for the umteenth time. This time it's for serious. As I reflect on the times that I have quit drinking Diet Coke my weight goes down. As soon as I pick up the habit, the scale begins to rise. Not cool. Is there a correlation? Probably so.

One of the big reasons I always turn back to Diet Coke is for the simple fact that I don't feel any difference. I don't feel better or worse. I just lose weight. So I figure why give up something that I love if it's not going to make that big of a difference. This time around I'm going to be pray to see a difference. I need to be more aware of the changes that are happening and recognize how much better I feel.

I am a human being living a very mortal life subject to all sorts of appetites. I can't conquer this on my own so I'm turning to My Heavenly Father and Savior for help. That's what they are there for. My Savior is there to fill in my imperfections and that includes addictions!

Favorite dishes transformed into Salads

As I thought about the new journey that I will be traveling I know I will be eating a lot of salads. But it's so ding dang easy to get bored with salads. Then the thought popped into my head, why not take my favorite meals and turn them into salads? I sat down with a note pad and started listing all my favorite meals and sandwiches. Most everything on my list can be made into a salad.

Here's what I have so far:
Fish tacos
Tacos
Enchiladas
Roast beef sandwich
Tuna sandwich
PF Chang Chicken wraps
Sweet and Sour chicken
BLT
Roasted tomato and chicken sandwich
Hawaiian Haytalks
Lasagna

Then I started thinking about some of my other favorite salads:
roasted beets, orange and red onions
strawberries, almonds, bacon
pear, goat cheese and walnuts

I am excited to start putting together new and exciting salads. I am even more excited to share them with you. I think the hardest part will be coming up with exciting vinaigrette's. Last night I watched Giada DeLaurentis make this amazing Asian chicken salad and I felt a craving for salads. Which is a wonderful thing. I haven't craved salad in such a long time.


This morning I put a pair of pants on that fit losely in the beginning of summer and now fit a little snug. Ugh! I know I have to do something and right now. I need to start on Monday. In pure Amberlyn fashion I will use this weekend to have fun and eat what ev. I usually have to do this in preparation for starting over. I know I will be changing my life again on Monday and it's going to be hard. I will feel like I'm missing out. So that's why I have to get it all in this weekend. Not a good attitude, I know. But it must be done.


Do you have any favorite dishes that you would like scene turned into a healthy salad?

Putting a Finger on it

Over the summer I've had a lot of time to think about my addiction to food and what that truly means to me. I received a lot of inspriation and answers to prayers. I realized that it's more then just self discipline when it comes to saying no to food. Every day when I wake up with a desire to change and be good I ALWAYS end up giving into the temptation. I knew there was something to overcome, a triggor that I needed to resolve. And one day while having a great conversation it dawned on me exactly what it was.

When the temptation comes, I have this internal battle with myself. I dont' want to eat it, but I do. Then this overwhelming sense of loss, of missing out consumes my mind and I can't take it any more and I eat. That's what I have to overcome. A feeling of losing a friend, of missing out on something fantastic. But really my friend is disfunctional and I only feel like a fantastic failure. It's so hard to describe through words how powerful these emotions are. I do know they are real and they have to be overcome if I am going to be successful in permanently changing my life.

Understanding this hurdle I have to jump makes it easier to move forward. I now know what it is that I have to pray for. I know what emotions I have to overcome. I also know that it's going to take every fiber in my being to take control and say no. I wont be missing out on ANYTHING.

It's such a silly comparison. But it's a lot like a bad teenage friend. The bad friend is the only one that you feel is accepting of you, doesn't judge you, and makes you feel(what you think) is good. But you know deep down that friend just drags you down, makes you feel worse and the ties have to be cut. Those are the ones that are the hardest to break up. Due to the emotional attachement. Everyone around you knows you would be so much happier and healthier without that friendship. It's hard to let go of something that you think is good for you.

Does that make sense?

Junk Food is my disfunctional friend. I have to cut ties with it. Even though I think it makes me feel good and fills a void and I will be missing out on something amazing, the exact opposite is true. It makes me feel like crap, and only fills the void while I am eating it. So why do I do it when I recognize the bad? Because of the emotions attached to the food. It's a bitch and I hate it.

At least I know what I need help with. Now I can begin to move forward.

New Beginnings

Summer is almost over with! Can you believe it? Where did all the time go? Oh that's right, it went to baseball games, the reservoir, birthdays and holidays. School begins in just 2 weeks and I've managed to gain weight this summer rather then lose weight. STORY OF MY LIFE!!!

As I sit here contemplating on what it is that I'm going to write about, my beautiful gut is bluging out the top of my pants. It's so pretty. Everyone should have a bulbous gut like mine! What ev.

A few weeks ago I started, once again, Body for Life. I started it with a friend and was really good at lifting weights for about 1 week. I realized that my head just isn't in the game yet. I think it has to do with summer coming to a close and not wanting to get into a routine that ultimately is going to have to change too soon.

I've also been really un-happy with myself and the way that I look. It's tough when just 5lbs makes such a huge difference in the way your clothes fit. One con about being thinner. Every pound counts! I really really really want to do something about it. But I find that I'm hung-up, snagged on the feelings of disappointment and failure.

Recently I've started and tried so hard to lose weight with hardly any results. Why do I want to put the effort and hard work into something that just isn't going to work for me. So I've been thinking about the other times when I was successful at losing weight. What was it that I did? As much as I HATE to admit it, counting calories REALLY worked for me! As time consuming and teadous as it was, it really did work. Also, at the time I was working out just 30 minutes a day. On top of that I wasn't eating any carbs after breakfast. So there is my answer. Count Calories, No Carbs after breakfast, and don't kill myself working out. I do want to get in 60 minutes, which is reasonable and do-able.

I'm at that point again where something has to change. I have to face my "demons" and move forward. Now that the kids are going to be starting school again, I'll have more free time during the day to devote to ME!! I'll have the time it takes to be tedious and exact.

I wonder when this cycle is going to end for me. When am I going to accept me for who I am, love myself and take care of me naturaly. I know it will happen. It has too. Now that's my new Quest. Not just for 100 good days, but to discover the person that I've always wanted to be.

Day 29: Plain and Simple

When I don't write, I'm struggling. I have struggled the last few weeks and I'm too embarassed to admit it. Trying to change years and years of bad habits is hard. Plain and Simple. I've also realized that I have to stop blaming others for my addiction to food. A food addiction is what I have. Plain and simple. I have been fostering a wonderful relationship with my kids. I look at them now as blessings and not burdens. I have a wonderful husband, who still drives me crazy at times. But I know he loves me. I have to stop blaming my horrible eating habits on others and start taking responsibility for my own actions.

Hi, my name is Amberlyn and I am an addict. I am addicted to food. And not just one type of food. All foods. Salty foods. Sweet foods. Ice cream. Chocolate. Cookies. Chips. Diet Coke. Bad for you carbs. I love it all. Every morning I am resloved to do better. Because every night I am dissappointed that I let food control me. When I eat like that I quickly run out of energy. I become sluggish and tired and cranky. Even though I recognize this I just can't stop eating.

I am a mortal person living a very mortal life. I have no control over my apetite and I am tormented by this simple truth. There has to be something that can help. With the help of a few Relief Society lessons, one that I taught, and one that I listened to I realized that there is hope for me. And that hope comes through the atonement of Jesus Christ. Yes, this might be a little to heavy for some of you. But this was my conclusion. I truly feel as though I have an addiction. It pulls me down in every facet of my life. Spiritually, physically and emotionally. But I do know that the atonement can help me through this rough patch. The struggle I face, is how to use it for this purpose. I am hurting and unhappy. I know that we can be made whole and find true happiness through the atonement. So now I am reading all I can about my Savior and his atonement.

I have struggled long enough trying to beat this addiction on my own. Trying to be perfect on my own. I don't have the power to do that. I am to weak in spirit and mind. The good news is, I don't have to do this all on my own any longer. That brings me great comfort.

I also decided that I just need to start being happy. If I think it long enough then I will start believing it. So far, it's working. I find that I am laughing more with my children and my husband. The world seems just a bit more colorful.

Day 17: Attacked

This morning while on my walk I was literally attacked by birds! I'm not kidding in any way shape or form. People passing by could see me covering my head with my hoody and screaming for my life. Yes, I realize I am 10x bigger then they are. But they have beaks to poke my eyeballs out, and talons to rip my ears off! It was SCARY!!! I wasn't planning on doing any running today, but was forced to, to save my life. I'm sure you've seen those birds if you've ever walked on Canyon Rd. They usually dive bomb me a few times, but nothing like this morning. Those black birds should all be shot!! When I thought I finally escaped them, they reappeared a few yards ahead. One of them was waiting for me in the road, he must have been playing look out. I wont be walking along that stretch of Canyon Road! Yikes that was scary.


I am gearing myself up for another go at the gym. Since I haven't been p90xing it with Brent I feel strongly that I should be lifting weights. I am going to really try hard to vamp up my nutrition as well. I found that I wasn't too hungry today either. I didn't graze. I just ate when I was hungry and ate proper portions.

This week has be particularly difficult. I'm not going to dwell on it. I'm just going to move forward to get back on track. That's all I can do! 100 days is a long time. It's still helping me to stay focused even if I mess up.

Day 16: Surviving

This morning started out really good. I went for another hour walk. I'm still not feeling the run. As much fun as I had at the Springville 5k, I can't get motivated to run. At least this week. I'm just happy to be getting out and moving my body. I had toast and milk for breakfast. I should add some protien to that, I know. I will make more of an effort to add protien to my diet. And and extra added effort to add vegetables, the food of life.

I was a good Mom today. I got a lot of things accomplished.

Day 15: Being Positive

I realized that I have been really negative lately. Thanks Liz for pointing that out to me. The truth sometimes is painful. Once again I find that I am fighting and bringing myself down. I need to look for the good that is going on in my life. Look for the good choices that I am making. Guilt can be a good thing too. It can move you to change your life and help you to be better. I want to be better. But I want to do it in a way in which I don't tear myself down in the process. That defeats the purpose and the process.

I'm so worried about having perfect days. But I'm not required to have perfect days. I just need to have good days.

My weekends do need to change though. It's okay to indulge a little bit. But not in excess. It all comes back to finding a good balance.

Today has been mediocre. Not a good day, but not a bad day either. I am letting my guard down. When I put my guard down, things seem to fall apart. My guard seems to slip after I have really bad weekends. Which is another reason why I need to improve on those darn weekends.

The day isn't quite done yet. I still have a chance to make good choices.

Day 14: Lots of guilt

Mondays always bring a sense of guilt. Especailly after the type of weekend I just put myself through. Bad news. I feel guilty for every bit of crap of stuff I shoved in my pie hole. Not good. I hate it even more since my gut is huge and hanging over my pants.

I didn't even get out to go for a walk this morning.

I need to learn from my mistakes and move forward. I am still on a quest for 100 good days. I knew it was going to be challanging. I knew it. And it is so hard. Especially when I feel so bad about my stupid choices over the weekend. I feel like an infant learning how to walk. Why do I keep making the same silly mistakes and falling on my face. One lesson I can learn from those determined little beings, is they always get up off their faces and try again.

Day 11, 12 & 13: Large and NOT in Charge

I knew the weekend was coming. I decided to bring it early. I indulged in candy with my daughters as we watched 13 going on 30. Huge mistake. I have been sick all day today. Bad News Bears.



Weekends have notoriously been difficult for me. This weekend is no different. It's nice to come here and confess my weaknesses. At the same time, I feel as if I give myself freedom on the weekends I am much more apt to behave during the week. I hate feeling sick. I am quickly reminded of that when I do begin to indulge. I am ready to be good again once Monday rolls around.



Another problem I'm facing today is BOREDOM!! The weather is crappy. I have no money to spend, not even on gas to get me somewhere. It stinks. So now I sit in front of the t.v., tired, bored with no motivation to do anything at all.

So what do I do? I eat more. It is the weekend of course. That's what it's for, right? WRONG. The only thing I get from indulging myself is a fat and upset belly. I hate Mondays. I hate that my pants fit just a little tighter. By the time the next Friday comes around my belly will have strunk just a little and just in time to enlarge it.

Somethings HAS to change. My weekends CAN NOT be filled with junk and over eating! It just can't. I was doing so good there for the first 10 days. I felt some what in control, and I felt good about myself. And then I go and blow all that during a boring weekend.

This is just another opportunity to learn from my mistakes, right? Move forward and make my weekends count. Go on a long run. Prepare vegetable for the coming week. Work in the garden. Do something other then sitting on the couch, ouch.

Day 10: Survived

It was another good day. Aside from the handful of pretzel m&m's that I had after lunch, it was a success!! I feel like every day I am conscious of the choices that I am making. I am still a work in progress. I could still choose more fruits and veggies, for sure. But as far as portion control and the times that I eat are improving.

Tonight was Book Club. More like and excuse to get out of the house. It felt good. I really wanted to go to Smokehouse. It recently re-opened on University Ave. in Provo. I was SO proud of myself. I got no appetizer, I usually don't. The other two ladies that I was with both order one. I passed on both of them, ya me! I ordered the Thai Chicken pizza with a side salad! That's all I ate. Although I really really really wanted something sweet afterwards. If Target still had their cookies left, I would have gotten one. If we had time to get some fro-yo, I would have. I went to bed with a huge craving. But that's alright. It's almost the weekend. I am having another good week.

Still no difference on the scale. But the improvement about how I feel about myself is a greater reward.

Day 9: Guilt

Last night I felt a major sense of entitlement. I was having a great day! I was eating right, even when I got super hungry. I made sure I ate just to calm my pains and calmly waited for the next meal. Then all hell broke lose after dinner. I have been trying so ding dang hard to keep my temper with my kids. I've been doing a somewhat decent job. I forget how hard the first few weeks of summer are, trying to figure out new schedules and things. The husband did his part in the kitchen which I am grateful for. Then he retreated to the dungeon to do find some releif on the xbox. That left me battling it out with the kids to make sure they got their chores done. That's when the anger began to build. I struggle with the kids ALL DAY LONG. I feel like I should be the one getting some relief, espcially in the summer time! I understand that he works hard. But gosh darn it, so do I.

The husband and son went off to scouts and I couldn't wait to put the other children to bed. Cause as soon as they were in bed, I scooped myself a bowl of ice cream and watched Glee! And cried. That's all I could think about until they wen to bed. I realize that most of my problem is communication. If I'd just let the husband know I needed more help I think he'd give it to me. Maybe.

But because of my indulgence and sense of entitlement, I feel major guilt. But I'm not going to quit. Because quitting is not the name of the game. The name of the game is knowledge. Finding out what drives me to eat, recognizing it and then fixing it. This time it was the husband that drove me to eat, not the kids. ** Light Bulb ** I have a major fear of confrontation, especially with the husband. I have a very hard time making sure that my feelings are heard and respected. I have come a long way in the past 4 years. But I still need to learn to communicate.

Day 8: Life Food, not Diet Food

This morning I made it out the door without any children. I wasn't planning on running. In my mind Wednesdays were suppose to be long walk days. Since yesterday didn't feel much like a workout I psyched myself out and jogged/walked today. It was nice. I felt great. I'm not sure how far I went. I was gone for 45 minutes and I was a sweaty mess when I got home. One of the reasons I love running outside is for landmarks. I can see them off in the distance and I can push myself to them. You can't do that on a treadmill!

I worked really hard at not grazing at 3pmish. I even passed on cookies today at lunch. Which is my goal. No sweets during the week. Although I caved and had about 3 after dinner. Slap that hand of mine. But I still consider today to be a good day. Despite those 3 cookies I didn't munch while preparing dinner. I ate at reasonable times, no grazing in between. I made good choices when I did sit down to eat. And I resisted the temptation to much during baseball games. That's another big win for me today.

I'm not seeing much results on the scale. I keep having to remind myself that this is more then just about weight. It's a lifestyle change. I know, I know, your sick of hearing about that. I have to keep reminding myself of that. I have to cut out the sweets during the week. It's not good for me, or for my children. I have to start incorporating more fruits and veggies in my diet. Those are the things that will help keep me strong and living long.

I need to make a more conscious effort to eat more veggies. And more then just carrot sticks. Although that is a start. I need more, and so do my children. You'd think after years and years and years and years of dieting that I'd be use to eating vegetables. Maybe that's the problem. I look at vegetables as more of diet food, rather then life food. I need to make that mental change.

My goal tomorrow is to go through my fridge, clean it out, take inventory of the veggies that I do have and make a good dinner. Vegetables are life food, not diet food. What a great concept. I'm going to remind myself of that every day and make sure to eat at least 3 servings of veggies a day. In addition to the fruit that I am already eating.

Wow, it's been 8 days. It hasn't been 8 perfect days. But this concept of 100 good days is helping to keep me focused and the task at hand. And that is to change my lifestyle. It's going to be slow. It's going to be hard. I will have bad days. In the end, I hope to have changed my outlook on life and food.

Day 7: Funk

This morning most of my kids were up when I got ready to go for my walk. All but two of them joined me. I always think it's going to be a good idea and a lot of fun. Then I quickly remember why it is that I go on walks by myself. "My side hurts!", " Are we almost done?", " I'm thirsty", "I'm tired", and relentless teasing between the two year old and 6 year old. Sheesh man, I was done too. It only takes one time to remind myself why it is that I go on my own, especially when I go for exercise. When it's casual, that's a whole other game.

I am a gleek. What's a gleek you ask? Someone who loves to watch Glee. I love love love that show. This past week was all about being in a funk and how to get out of your funk. I find myself in a funk quite frequently. I think most of my life is spent in a funk and trying to find ways to get out of it.

I've been reflecting a lot lately on my life as a mother and thinking back through the years. What was I focused on, what did I struggle with, how did I overcome. Well, in my time as a Mother I've been in and out of a huge funk. Obsessed with my weight. Not being able to lose weight. Losing a little bit of weight, and find that funk again. What have I been doing to myself for the past 12 years? I don't think I've allowed myself to really live my life without worrying about the next meal or if I'm going to fail at eating every day. What a miserable existence.

When is my funk going to end so that I can truly start living life to the fullest? When am I going to stop worrying about each meal, sabotaging, dieting, that perfect number or size? When you've been worrying about those things for over 12 years it's hard not to. It's like a bad habit, it's so hard to break.

In essence, today was a good day. Inspite of the 3pm munchies in which I downed 2 banana muffins, I did really well. I still need to find ways around that munch time and make good choices. I also need to stop munching while fixing dinner. Another bad habit that needs breaking.

I really feel like I'm failing at this 100 good days. I need to remind myself that it's not to lose weight. I'm doing it to encourage a healthy lifestyle. I'm doing it now to help me get out of my funk. Which I'm currently in right now.

Day 6: Fast Sunday

It always feels so good to fast. To be so utterly aware of my body and the emptiness that accompanies a fast. A reminder of what it truely feels like to hunger and thirst.

As far as the eating that followed the fast was better then most. I will usually gorge on Sundays, as it is my "free" day. Here comes a confession: I usually kept all the good stuff to myself. Not this time. I shared everything I had with my children. That was hard. But since I'm encouraging all of us to eat healthy during the week, they too deserve a little indulgence. I didn't feel so guilty at the end of the day for eating way too much crap. I ate smaller portions due to the rationing of goods.

Since Sunday's are considered my "free" day I find it hard to stop eating. I will eat regardless of the feeling inside. I will eat and eat and eat until I feel like hurling. No joke. Today, I stopped that. When I was full, I stopped. Even though I wanted to keep going. This is another one of those bad habits that I'm trying to kick, Sunday binge day.

The ill feeling that I get after such a bad eating day usually helps me to do better during the week to. It's no fun feeling like an over stuffed pig. Not good at all.

Today was a good day.

94 days to go.

Day 5: Springville 5k

This year I ran the Springville 5k 1 minute slower then last year. Considering that I haven't been running till just about two weeks ago, I'll take it! It was a good race. Kelli was sweet and stayed right with me. She didn't sound winded and could still talk through it all. Not me. It took everything in me to keep up the pace and to finish the race strong. I didn't sprint as hard as I would have liked to either.

Now that I've run one 5k, I see so much that I want to improve. My starting time this year was faster then last year, that's one huge thing going for me. Another huge thing going for me is support from the Husband. I really wanted to run in the Freedom Festival 5k, but it's a whopping $20. I don't want to fork out that kind of money right now. When I told this to the husband, he thought I should check out other cities and their 5k's. I'm sure there are a TON to choose from, I just need to hunt them out.

At the end of the race I indulged in an ice cream bar. Hello, it was Hagan Daz. Kelli opted not to. Way to go Kelli. It was yummy. Saturdays are my big days that I struggle with the most. But I'm not going to worry so much on the weekends. I've been working super hard today. Not only did I run a 5k, but I've mowed the lawn, shoveled nasty old grass clippings from the garden, and help load the trailer that is destined for the dump. Of course, my day isn't over yet. There is still things to be done in the house.

Today was a Good Day!! I'm proud of myself for running. I forgot to mention, that I only stopped one time and that was to get a drink and it was for just a short minute or two. Big pat on the back.

It was a good day!

5 days down, 95 more to go!

Day 4: It's only Day 4

I spent most of my day at the Zoo with my Mom and the kids. We had a GREAT time. I packed good snacks: carrot sticks, water melon, home made banana muffins, dried fruit and nuts and Gardetto's(my one indulgence). For the most part, I think that was a good. The rest of the day kind of stunk. My Mom had left over wanton's from Book Club and I just had to try them. At least I had just one slice of home made pizza due to the wanton's. And I had a bowl of ice cream. But I couldn't finish it.

I keep thinking to myself, this is only Day 4. How easily I slip. But I have to keep moving forward. This is a learning process for me now. I'm learning how to make good choices while the rest of my life whirls around me. I could have made better choices, sure. And next time I will. I just think, what's a Friday night movie without ice cream? 20lbs lighter is what it is!

What to do next week when I sit down to a movie with the husband? That's right, a bowl of watermelon with a little bit of lime. A much better choice!

I took a break from running today since tomorrow I am racing. I didn't get my ipod charged up so I'll be running without it. But that's okay, I'll have Kelli with me. I hope together we can make good time!

Wish me luck.

Today a good day? I'd say 50% good.

4 days down, 96 to go!

How did you do today?

Got room for a tag-a-long?

I have decided to join Amberlyn in her quest for a 100 good days. I haven't quite decided what my "good day" will look like but hopefully by the end of writing this post, I will have it all figured out.

I have gained back about 10 pounds of the original 70 that I lost. Last summer, I was down to 163 pounds for a minute or so (really a week) but I don't really count that because I think it was some kind of fluke. When I quit Absolute, I was 174 pounds so that's the number I use to measure where I'm at. So now I'm 184 lbs and it turns out that when you are a size 14, a 10-pound weight gain means you are no longer fitting into your clothes anymore. This is when having a friend who will loan you back the clothes (plus some) you gave her when you dropped to 174 and erroneously thought you'd never gain another single pound in your life is an incredibly good thing! So amid being an almost full-time student, and some health problems, I decided like 2 months go that I would just start losing weight again. This is easier said than done. The first time I lost all that weight, it was my only focus. My day revolved around making correct food choices and making sure I was on track. Now, I feel like a circus juggler trying to keep up with school, the house, the kids, AND my weight and it's a little exhausting. I like the idea of 100 good days because it allows me to work on losing weight but not making it my entire life's focus.

I've had my ups and my downs this week and I think that's because I haven't really put anything down on paper so I'm going to take the weekend and decide what exactly my "good days" are going to look like. Then I will post again Sunday night or Monday morning. Amberlyn and I are checking in at the end of each day so this way I can have actual declarations to check in about instead of just reporting vaguely that I had a "good day". I'm hoping my efforts to post and be accountable will also help encourage Amberlyn-- we have different strengths-- she loves to exercise and I hate it-- I'd rather change my diet than commit to an exercise regime. I have a feeling though that the biggest key to me keeping my status as a reformed heifer (reformed being the key word) is the application of daily exercise in addition to healthy eating. I know that seems like an obvious key but since I lost the 70 pounds without exercising, I really did think I could keep doing that. But the sad truth is that when you are 184 instead of 240 then you don't think eating a treat or bread or pasta is really that big of deal-- you think you've kind of earned the right. So now, I'm vowing to shed my sense of entitlement and get ready to work again!

Thanks for the motivation Amberlyn! I know we can do this!

Day 3: Rough Day

That's all this day has been: ROUGH!! I don't think it's just been today. It's been since school has gotten out. Nothing is going right. Okay, that's an exaggeration. There are a few good things going on in my life.

I had a melt down in front of the husband today. I told him I wasn't happy. He asked me why and I gave him a two word answer, "My Weight." He got so frustrated with me. Who says I need to get down to a certain number or size, he inquired. I'm once again losing sight of the personal revelations I recieved just a few short months ago. I need to be focusing on my children and my relationships with each of them. If I happen to lose 20lbs I would still be unhappy because my relationship with my children wouldn't have improved. But I refuse to let myself go. I refuse to continue with bad habits.

I am still on a Quest for 100 good days. But not to lose weight. To help me break bad habits. My main focus still needs to be on my children. I still have to learn how to take care of myself while caring for others. I know it's possible.

Considering the type of day I've had, it's been a good day. I still never indulged in chocolate, or cookies or ice cream. And that my friends, is a good day.

Day 2: I was Runn'n

I had no desire what so ever to do any kind of running this summer. There were so many other things that I had to wrap my brain around that running just wasn't on the top of the todem pole. Until my sis-in-law asked me if I was going to run any races. I didn't have the heart to tell her no, and so I ended up signing up for the Springville Nestle 5k. I really enjoyed running this race last year. I know it's going to be hard. I haven't been running since March like was last year. I figure I'm a fare weather runner. I'm not a die hard who can train inside on a treadmill. I loath running on a treadmill. I can't stand running in the cold either. As soon as that snow melts, and the world begins to turn green, the itch to run starts. Except, not this year.



I'm glad that my sis-in-law asked me. It's got me going again. It's good to have goals and races to push me to be better, to run faster, and to get healthy. I will probably run 2 other races this year. A 10k is OUT!! No desire to do that. Maybe next year when I'm 20lbs lighter. Cause I WILL be 20lbs lighter. 6 miles is just too much for my heavy body. I hope to run in the Freedom Festival 5k, that race is FUN! The last one will be here in Spanish Fork. They have a Half Marathon and 5k in September. I was going to run that on last year but I ran out of steam. I tend to do that. It seems to be a theme with me. One that must change. I need to start finishing strong.



Yesterday I ran for what I thought was 3 miles straight. Until I mapped it online. And they told me it was only 2 miles. What ever. I don't think that was right. I'm trying not to let that discourage me. Today instead of running I went on a really long fast walk. I was gone for a good 50 minutes. My plan is to run again tomorrow, take a break on Friday and run my guts out on Saturday. I've never really pushed myself in races before. I think I will this time and hope not to injure myself. I will be running with my sis-in-law whose easily 50lbs lighter then me. She claims she's not that fast. But she does have a HUGE advantage over me! Her weight. I hope to keep up with her.



Now that I've started running again, it feels good. It's really an accomplishing feeling to run and run and run(okay, I don't run I jog slowly but you get my drift) and realize that you feel good during it and can push yourself to another level. I hope as my good days stalk up, that my running will improve as well.



Exercise:

30 minutes p90x, biceps and back

50 minutes fast walk



Nutrition:

Breakfast

1 yogurt (160)

1 toast(140)



snack:

protien bar(180)



lunch:

tuna sandwich (380)

1/2 orange(30)(1321 left)

snack:
bugles, ugh-a-bug!!!

dinner:
2 cups home made chili
1 tbl sour cream
1 tbl cheese
5 chips

snack:
watermelon with lime!

Dang those bugles! It was a stressful afternoon. I had about 10 extra kids at my house coming in an out in and out. Hunger snuck up on me and I snacked on what the kids were snacking on. At least I stopped when I knew I should. I didn't keep indulging and that was a good choice.

In the evening hunger came strong again. I usually go for something sweet like ice cream. Luckily today I bought a watermelon, and even more lucky it ended up being sweet and juicy. I love to eat it with lime. You should try it.

2 days down, 98 to go

100 Good Days: Day 1

Today I begin my quest for 100 good days. My friend Melissa always told me that I needed to have 100 good days to make a difference. My goal is to have 100 good days of eating and exercise. Most of you know that I don't struggle with the exercise. My struggle comes with the nutrition. In an effort to find success with nutrition I am involving my whole family in this process. We all will snack on fruits and veggies, we all are going to eat a portion of vegetables at lunch and dinner, we all are going to cut out sweets except for on Sundays. I can't do this on my own. I'm hoping to teach my children good habits while I try to break a few bad ones.



100 Good Days Exercise Goals:
1.1 hr p90x in the early morning hours with Hubs.
2. Running in late morning, trying to train for 5ks
3. Walk in the evenings just because it's good for me.



100 Good Days Nutrition Goals:
1. Eat 5-6 small meals a day
2. Portion of Protien and a Portion of Carb at each meal
3. Add a Portion of Vegetables to Lunch and Dinner
4. Drink SLIM before Lunch and Dinner
5. Drink 2 cups of water with each meal
6. Eat Sweets just on Sunday
7. Eat between 1400-1600 calories a day

Maintance Goals
1. Read scriptures every day for 20 minutes
2. Pray morning and night
3. Write my feelings in a journal, or this blog



I'm not asking to have 100 perfect days, just 100 GOOD days. If I mess up, I'm not going to give up, throw in the towel, pull my hair out, or eat away my dissapointment. This 100 good days will come to fruition. IT WILL!!



This morning I woke up at 5:30am and did plyometrics with Husband. At 7am I went for a run and actually surprised myself by jogging at least 2.5 miles, without stopping. I would love to go on a walk this evening and hope to fit it in somewhere.



breakfast(300):
1/2 cup oatmeal
1/4 cup blueberries
3 tsp sugar
2 tsp butter

snack(260):
protien bar

lunch(330):
tuna sandwich with carrot sticks

snack(260):
protien bar

dinner(500):
pb&j sandwich, beans

Killer Holidays

Last week was an amazing week for me. I did really well during the days and didn't eat after dinner. I thought it was a monumental success. It's amazing to me how the smallest of Holidays, like Mother's Day, can kill it for me. Why is it that Holidays ruin all my motivation. I felt like I was back in the swing of things. And then I went to Sundance for lunch. I never go there so why not indulge. And besides, it was for Mother's Day. Saturdays are usually hard for me, but I actually practiced some restraint. And then Sunday came with it's huge symphany bar from church, dinner and dessert at my Mom's and a second dessert at the in-laws! WHAT THE HECK!! I thought I could stop on Monday. But the in-laws gave me these irristable white chocolate covered craisins. Ya, they were gone in a day. Since I munched on sweets all day I couldn't help myself and delved into a bag of chocolate chips. WHAT THE HECK!!!



I'm so mad at myself. What am I doing? This is NOT how I want my life to be lived. Yes, I think that holidays should be celebrated and I think it's okay to do it with food. But WHAT THE HECK!! Why can't I stop eating after just dessert. What is it in that process that clicks something in my brain to begin eating like that?



It must stop.



I'm going to start documenting my days again. So my 100 days begins again. CRAP!! Hopefully it begins with today.



Breakfast(300):
2 banana muffins
1/2 cup shake

The rest of the day was a crap shot. I forget how maddening it is to help with Dance recitals. Dinner always gets blown off and I'm running here, there, everywhere. It's no fun. So my day was crap. I'm hoping for a better more organized day tomorrow.

Hungery Like a Lion

breakfast(310):
tortilla scramber
tortilla
2 eggs
2 tbl cheese

snack(200):
yogurt with granola

lunch(550):
small ham and turkey sandwich
fruit salad
veggies
Parfait

snack(320):
2 slices whole wheat bread
pbj

dinner(240):
apple
2 cheese sticks
baggie full of carrots and celery

snack(200):
yogurt with granola

grand total: 1620

That's more calories then I wanted to consume today. Especially since I'm not working out as much as I have in the past. I squeezed in another walk during Hannah's soccer game. I discovered the Spanish Fork River Walkway. It was beautiful. Another fun place I'll be taking my kids this summer.

It's been rough this evening. Brent has a massive headache so I sit in the basement watching Biggest Loser, and blogging to help keep my hands and mind busy while I wait to pick up Jaren from his ball game. There is no way I'm sitting outside. It's way too butt freezing cold.

I am proud of myself for getting through book club this afternoon. I had just one sandwich, one scoop of fruit salad and a bunch of veggies. When I went back for seconds for Grace, I didn't even touch them. I did allow myself some parfait. Because that is what a healthy person can do. I didn't have seconds but just enjoyed what was given to me.

I didn't want to eat too much for dinner or eat top ramen, which is what everyone else is having. So I brought an apple, cheese sticks, and bag of veggies. I ate them almost all when I finally sat down after my walk. But when I got home I was so hungry, so I ate some yogurt and granola. I really was sooo hungry. I couldn't go to be with that kind of hunger. But now I'm a little upset for the calories that I consumed today. It's still 6oo+ calories less then what I was consuming.

I didn't think I was focused on weight loss. The way I'm writing, it sure seems like that. I want so badly to be healthy, to be fit, to be happy. You know, I'm glad my head is back into the game. I'm relieved that I want this so badly that I've found my focus again. It's awesome.

I am going to count today as another good day. Good Day #4. I did display some good self-discipline. It was a good day. Just 96 more to go!

Fitting in a walk

Another successful day. Despite another busy day, I managed to stay pretty clean in my eating. I still need to add more veggies to my lunch and dinner. Eating veggies is KEY to my success in becoming healthy.

I didn't wake up and do p90x with Brent this morning. Cause he had to leave at 5am. I just stayed in bed and slept. I wasn't sure when I was going to get in my walk. The situation presented itself late in the evening. I walked around the block of the junior high while Isabel and Annika played their softball game. I made it around that ginormous block 3 times. I had to have gone at least 2 miles. I didn't slow my pace. I almost wanted to jog. I probably would have if it wasn't for the fact that I was wearing jeans.

I have no desire to run. But walking, that's a different story. It's so therapudic to me. I'm trying to approach my workouts differently. I'm going to try and stay in the fat burning zone which requires a lower heart rate instead of killing myself in an anaerobic state.

As I passed the Junior High's outdoor track with it's spacious field in the middle, a thought popped into my head. I'm going to bring the kids here in the summer. While I rotate walking a lap with running a lap, the kids can play. They can bring their bats and balls, or a soccer ball and kick it around. A brilliant idea. I am going to follow through with this.

I can't believe that I've had 3 good days in a row. Today I passed up ice cream, I bought myself a calorie free diet coke instead. Jaren really wanted fries so I relented and bought him some. I had just 3. He brought me the remainder of the fries which I quickly place in the garbage can.

3 good days down. Just 97 more to go.


breakfast(450):
2 slices whole wheat french toast(200)
2 tsp syrup(40)
4 tbl yogurt(40)
Protien shake with water(170)


whoa, I wont be doing that for breakfast again!!!



snack:
3 bited mac-n-cheese(60)
yogurt and granola(150)


lunch:
bq chicken pizza(350)
carrots

snack:
protien bar

dinner:
taco soup(350)
2tbl cheese(60)
1tbl sour cream(60)

total: 1480

Good Day 2

I found success on Tuesday. No way!! It was going to be tough. I passed up a doughnut, a white chocolate dove candy, a left over doughnut, frozen yogurt, and opening up a bag of chocolate chips for something sweet after dinner. Big old pat on the back for me!!! And it wasn't hard! I love how putting your mind to something really does have power. Mind over body.

I just remember that I need to keep it up. My pantry is stalked up and so is my fridge with lots of veggies and fruit. There are no excuses!! NONE!!!

It's going to be a hard week for me this week too. My husband is working late every single night. Which means I get to do all the evenings by myself and all the sports by myself. That has always been an added stress. But this is where attitude comes into play. I'm not looking at it as a burden. But a chance to get out and spend some time away from the house. I'm also going to go for a walk with Grace while the girls are at their game.

I still need to get in some exercise. I can't wait to get out and go on a walk. I spent all day in and out of stores. Again, not once did I buy a candy bar, treat or sweet!! That is HUGE for me. Most of the time I'll look at that york peppermint patty and think to myself, "it's a reward. there aren't too many calories in that!". But there are. And I'm not rewarding myself. I'm just sabotaging myself.

I indulged in a diet coke at lunch again. That is my weakness. It's what's getting me through. Ya, for a whole 2 days. But that 2 good days down. Just 98 more to go!

breakfast:(170)
protien bar(morning on the run)

lunch:(400)
asian salad
diet coke

snack:
yogurt with home meade granola(200)
I was still hungry so I grabbed a slice of whole wheat bread with pbj(200)

dinner:
bbq chicken pizza on a super thin whole wheat dealy thing(300)
sauted spinach(30)

grand total: 1300

I'm trying to think if there was anything else I ate today?
carrots and cucumbers, but calorie wise, i don't think they count!

Good Day

I'm finding it hard to stick to my pre-planned menu. I'm doing my best. At least I'm writing every thing down and keeping track. Which is something I didn't want to do again. But it really really really helps me to eat careful during the day.

I found a website that will calculate how many calories you need to eat to lose just 1lb a week. I was shocked to find out how many calories it was taking for me to keep at my current weight and how many I could still eat to lose. I think it was something ridiculous like 1800 calories. I do know that in the past I haven't eaten as much as I should. That is just as detremental as over eating.

Monday was a great day. I usually have great days on Mondays. It's Tuesday-Saturday that I struggle.


Monday
breakfast(390):
1 muffin(50)(I just couldn't help myself)
2 scrambled eggs(150)/1 tsp cheese(30)/ salsa(30)
1/2 cup cream of wheat(100)/ 2 tsp sugar(30)

snack(292):
chocolate protien shake(217)
1.5 muffins(75)


lunch(400):
Chicken Salad Sandwich
Muffin(50)

Snack: cottage cheese and manderin oranges(200)

Dinner:open face pulled pork sanwich(210)

total: 1490

The Plan

As I mentioned before I feel strongly that you have to have a plan to be successful. When ever I've followed a plan in the past I've found success. This time is no different. My plan is to follow Body for Life while watching the calories. I don't really enjoy counting calories. So to make things a little easier for me, I'm going to eat the same thing for Breakfast, Lunch and my two snacks. I will go bonkers if I have to count different calories every single day. I think this is one of the reasons I quit and run out of steam. So if I figure out my calories for an entire week with just 4 meals, that's easy. I didnt include dinner cause that does change every night. For those of you who aren't familiar with the Body for Life Eating Program, it's simple. At every meal you eat a portion of protien with a portion of carb. At lunch and dinner you eat a portion of veggies as well.I'm going to try and not eat any carbs at dinner. In my "old"age, carbs go straight to my gut, which is my problem area. Instead of carbs I'm going to eat a huge salad! I'm not going to eat anything after dinner. If I get hungry I'm going to go for an orange or an apple. I might pair that with some cottage cheese, since protien will fill me up. In addition to that, I'm going to try the ice water.

My meal plan for Week 1(geez, how many week one's have been featured on this blog? 1 to many!)

Breakfast(245):
Tortilla Scrambler
1 whole wheat tortilla 100
1 egg, 2 egg whites 135
2 tablespoons salsa 10

Snack (263):
Chocolate Protien Shake
1 Cup Milk 110
1 scoop chocolate protien powder 120
1/2 banana 66

Lunch (410):
Chicken Salad on Whole Wheat
1 chicken breast 100
diced green onion 10
diced bell pepper 10
grape halves 30
1 tbsp light mayo 30
2 tbsp light sour cream 40
lettuce
cucumber
2 slices home made whole wheat bread 160
Steamed Broccoli 30

Snack (150):
Cottage Cheese and Manderin Oranges

I can't let my life get out of control. Besides, what I was doing in the beginning of this year was working. I'm going to refocus my energies and get going again. Notice, no sweets in the mix there? That is going to be the hardest part of all of this. As I've metioned before. I just can't take part in sweets anymore. My body just can't take it.

Empowerment.

Even though I'm not focusing wholly on weight loss, I can not let myself go. I can already feel my chubs returning around my mid-drift. My pants are a little tighter and my shirts aren't fitting like I like them. There is no way I'm going to put on my Friday pants cause I know exactly how they'll feel.

I have to do something.

I want to do something.

So what is it that I do?

Empower myself. I thought about Empowerment a lot yesterday. I remember how it felt to have control over food. Remember, I did lose 23lbs last year. It was an amazing feeling. It felt so good to be in control of my life. Yes, sometimes I gave into temptation. But who doesn't? I'm not asking myself to be perfect. I'm just asking for a little empowerment.

Food is just food. It's always going to be there. I know I've said that before. I guess I need reminding. My chubs will always be here too if I don't take control.

How do we find empowerment? It comes from deep down inside. And man, you have to dig deep. That's what I'm going to have to do, dig deep. I refuse to let myself gain weight while I focus on my kids. That is just defeating the purpose.

I have to have a plan to follow to be successful. I also feel like I have information overload, not know which plan to choose. I keep flling back to Body for Life. So simple, a portion of carb and a portion of protien with a veggie with lunch and dinner. Simple enough, and I can do that for the rest of my life.

It's getting rid of the junk that's going to be the hard part. But getting rid of that and saying no to that is what empowers me. And that's where you have to dig deep.

It's so funny to look back at the first 3 months of this year. I didn't think that what I was doing was workng. But as my clothes begin to feel tighter, I realize that it was working. I don't give myself enough credit. I need to keep plugging along and give myself a pat on the back for all my hard work. It just takes time, and I need to allow for that time.

Time and Empowerment. Digging Deep and sticking to a plan. That's my new strategy.

Sacrifices

Along the pathway of life we all make sacrifices. As I've been thinking about my current situation as a mother, there is more way then one that I sacrifice.

About a week ago I felt like I was in a tornado. There was so many good things that I want to do with my life right now. I still want to lose weight. In addition to that I still want to break my emotional eating, naturally eat healthy, improve my relationship with my children and become a positive disciplinarian. As I thought about all of those huge task, I felt overwhelmed and discouraged!

As I knelt in prayer a few nights ago, the impression I recieved was to focus on my relationship with my children. I need to foster a relationship of love and trust with my children. So to this end I once again am sacrificing myself for them. I will be over weight for a little while longer in the name of Love and Motherhood. Kudos to those women who can lose weight and be super Mom. I am not one of them. I am not ashamed to admit it.

I will still be exercising, because I love it and it's so good for me to continue on that journey. But I will not be focusing on my weight loss. I have to put all of my efforts into my children right now. Too soon will they be gone from my home. When that happens I want them to have a desire to return and feel comfortable coming back when ever they need to. I don't want them to despise home and have a feeling of "I'm never go back there!".

I also realize that my emotional eating is attached to my children. I hope as I focus on them and foster greater relationships with them that I will help that aspect of my life. **Sigh** One can only pray for such a miracle.

I am not going to abandon all reason either. I will still try to eat healthy and make good choices. I'm just not going to count calories or be a carb nazi. But I will try to fnd balance with food as I put my energies elsewhere.

I hope to write about my continued journy here. It will take on a slightly different twist. It's good to document and write things down. Right?

Revelations

For the past week I have been S-T-R-U-G-G-L-I-N-G!!! And it's been no fun. I've follow my usual emotional circle, eat till I can't eat no more and feel even worse about myself. Trying to lose weight was getting to be overwhelming and so discouraging. I have been working out so hard to help with my weight loss and it's only brought me tears of frustration. I was also just about to give up on prayer. Why would my Heavenly Father want to help me with weight loss. I have been pleading on my knees morning and night for help and to no avail. My total weight loss for this entire year is just 2 stinking pounds. Seriously, what is a girl to do?

I felt really badly about entertaining the idea of quitting. Most of all quitting on my Heavenly Father. I don't want to quit exercising, I love it. I don't want to quit eating healthy. But it's my nutrtion that is standing in my way.

I started writing in a journal Monday night and low and behold something very strong finally dawned in my tiny brain. If I stop exercising and eating the way that I do I could balloon to 300+lbs!! My yo-yo eating habits are that bad. I do really well, in the name of weight loss. Fell terrible when I screw up. Eat myself into a frenzy for a week or more and then start the proccess over. It has to stop. It's more then just my weight now. It's my LIFE!!! My emotional attachment to food is crazy strong! I have to stop it or it's going to continue to control my life.

I need to get a handle on this before I can start to focus on weight loss. But I hope in the process of gaining a new attitude towards food, incorporating good food and lots of veggies that weight loss will be a natural result. But if it's not, that's okay. Right now, finding balance in every day life is what it's about for me right now.

I have to find other outlets then food. Food is my enemy, but it's also a love of mine. How do you balance mortal enemies?

In my mind, a normal day could involve a cookie after lunch. Just as long as I can stop at that one cookie. It's okay to have a "carb" with dinner as long as it's a good whole wheat one served in a true portion. Am I wrong in my thinking? As long as these things are balanced with a lot of healthy cooking and a boat load of veggies, why couldn't I do those things?

I'm changing my focus. Weightloss is seriously killing me. I fight myself every single day and I can't do it any more. It's just too ding dang hard. I'm fighting so many other sources of evil that I shouldn't have to be fighting myself in addtion. I need to be loving myself, supporting myself, and being strict with myself. I will have to focus on weight loss once I get a real handle on my day to day life. I have to focus on chaging my "relationship" and emotional attachment that I have with food.

Aslo while writing in my journal the idea of a support group popped into my head. I can't afford to join one, so why not start one here in my awesome neighborhood filled with awesome women who may or may not be struggling.

It's worth a shot.