Too Afraid of Disappointing

The Holidays turned out to be more then I could handle. I thought I could be strong enough, powerful enough to resist temptation. I ended up Not being strong enough to resist temptation and not even motivated to get up in the mornings to get to the gym. Sometimes I found it hard to look at myself in the mirror. I am just too darn tired of disappointing myself. Plus, having to tell Melissa that I lost my fire was too hard. I came up with excuses for not working out with her. I just couldn't look at her in the face and see that disappointment.
As I look back at the beginning of December I realized why I lost my fire. It was the 2lbs that I gained that first week. That week of perfection. Do you know how discouraging that is? To have a perfect week and not have the scale reflect that perfection? That was it. I figured, what the heck? I might as well just not even try right now. So I didn't.
In an attempt to start over again, for the ridiculous amount of times, I am not going to weigh myself for the first month. I can't let the scale beat me. I have to just build on my good behavior. I can do that.
I might not quite have the fire under me yet. But I have to keep trudging along. If I can just bang this out in the next 3-4 months, I wont have to torment myself any longer. 3-4 months is such a short amount of time. Then, it's all about maintaining. Fighting to keep my weight the same. I've done that. It's the losing part that's a bitch. Shoot, did I just say that. It's the truth though.

Scotharoos, to delicatable to pass up

This morning I was reading in Mosiah with my kids and came upon the last verse in Chapter 7. I had to read it again, and then one more time just for good measure. I love how you can liken the scriptures to your own life at certain times, if your heart is ready for it. This is what vs. 30 says:

But if ye will turn to the Lord, with full purpose of heart, and put your trust in him, and serve him with all diligence of mind, if ye do this, he will, according to his own will and pleasure, deliver you out of bondage.

I realize that this could have reference to a miriad of topics and all sorts of bondage. But for me right now, my bondage is my addiction to food. And what a comfort it is to me to know that I don't have to fight to be freed from my bondage by myself. If I just turn to the Lord, trust in him I can be free. What does serve him in all diligence in mind refer to? I think we have to put forth our efforts and not just sit around waiting for him to give us the answers. We have to actively be putting our minds to the task at hand. My task is to get control of my eating every single day. We are also reminded that things happen on the Lord's time table, and not on ours. There are things that I have to learn through my daily struggles, and until I truely learn from them I'll keep falling. But that's okay, because the Lord is loving and will help to pick me back up again.

This week I have been doing awesome. Until I had to prepare my sweets for the Ornament exchange tomorrow. I made Scotharoos. A treat that I make only at Christmas. 'They're not synonomous with Christmas, it's just I don't make them any other time of the year. When I was done making them I tried them out. And then again, and then one more time for good measure. As I look back on that mistake there were no emotions attached to that episode. Except for the fact that they tasted so good, and maybe I felt a little deprived. Which I shouldn't have since that muddy buddy episode last Friday. Obviously I still have issues to face. And what it comes down to is the restriction I place on myself. But those restrictions have to be in place if I'm going to have any kind of success at losing this last 20lbs. I can just hear Melissa in my head right now, " Then you just don't want it bad enough." I do want it bad enough. I'm just so easily swayed by other people. I hear what they have to say and give themselves allowances and then I feel like I need to give myself allowances. But that can't be the case. I have to be diligent in mind or it's not going to work.

I've said this time and time again. Losing weight is such a difficult and emotional journey. Not one to take lightly or half heartedly. Trying to lose weight during the Holidays is also a difficult task in and of itself. But I am strong. I've made it this far and I can continue to be strong. I have many battles to face over the next few weeks. I have to make the decision now to say "No", to pass on the sweets, to freeze them and save them for Sunday night.

I don't want to fail again. I've already mastered that. It's time for me to master a new art, healthy living.

Stupid snow halted my early morning work out

I was up on time, dressed and ready to go. When I opened my garage door, there stood my husband's work truck, plugged in to who the cus knows what. Something about keeping it warmed up. What ever. So I trudged back upstairs. Brent asked me if it was too cold to go. I replied, No, your truck was in the way. Of course he didn't budge. It proceeded to snow from that point on until early afternoon. I didn't even make it to work out with Melissa. I sure do feel like a blob today. The only work out I got was to shovel the driveway about 3 times. Stinking snow. I love it for Christmas, but would rather the darn stuff stayed in the mountains where it belongs.

Being very aware that I didn't work out, I knew that I needed to be extra careful with my calorie intake. I think I did a pretty good job. I only had a few reese's pieces. And I kept popping the gum into my mouth. I found a new pina-colada flavor that is tremendous. Let's see what the damage is.

breakfast:
oatmeal with apples and pecans (350)

snack:
cheese, carrots and a few crackers(160)

lunch:
chicken sandwich on whole wheat(400)

snack:
crackers and laughing cow cheese(200)

dinner:
healthy version of baked potato soup, just 1 cup(300)
1/2 pear(45)

total calories: 1410

Melissa always tells me I need to stay within 1400-1600 calories a day for my body to lose weight healthy.

Dreaded Weekend was indeed dreadful

When I'm not trying to be super careful with what I eat, I love the weekends. But the weekends simply suck when I'm trying to earnestly lose weight. I know it shouldn't be difficult. But it was. Hunger reared it's ugly head on Friday, and it was ugly. I kept it at bay by eating every 2 hours, that's how hungry I was. Then my primary class came over for a pizza party. I had two slices of regular full fat pizza, it was my home made pizza so I know exactly what was in it. But then my teaching partner, Linda, brought over some muddy buddies and my best efforts when out the window. I downed a cup full of that stuff, and then another. I'm so ashamed I haven't been able to bring myself to tell Melissa. I know how disappointed she would be. BIG SIGH!!! I'm disappointed in myself. Especially after doing so well at Enrichment just the previous night. It stinks. But what do I do? Continue on with my mini melt down by going to Arby's with my dad. I did pass on all fries, and dipped my roast beef sandwich in honey mustard. Which I will be doing from now on because that was the best thing ever!! After getting back to my Dad's he had a container of gum drops on the counter. I set them aside and tried to hide them as best i could, but he quickly pulled those things out and I just couldn't resist again. Weekends are so ding dang difficult. Sunday was better. I fasted until after church and induldged in some redvines and 1/2 cup of ice cream. Then I thought I did pretty good at Brent's work party. Still, I know I can do better. I have to do better if all my hard work is going to actually be effective.



I went to the gym Saturday morning, swearing at myself the whole way. Then I managed to get up out of bed again this morning and made it to the gym again. I ran for 30 minutes and then walked for 30 minutes. It felt good. Now I just feel my body falling apart. Both knees of mine are hurting and in different ways. I would have ran longer but didn't want to injure myself. So walking it was. At least I got right back on track again this morning. Pat on the back for me.

I ended the day really well. Instead of eating the casserole i made for my family I had an egg salad sandwich with 1/2 an apple. I didn't eat anything after that. I wanted to, mind you. But losing this weight is more important then that bite of ice cream.

I ate about 1300 calories today. I tracked it on a notebook downstairs. I'm excited to be turning in my food logs to Melissa. I think having her evaluate my menu will be really helpful.

Early morning no go

Yesterday morning I woke up early and read to go to the gym. I went to grab my keys and they were not there. I looked over as much as I could in pitch darkness. I didn't want to wake anyone up. After about 5 minutes I gave up and crawled back into bed. I didn't want to go back to bed. I was really excited to get to the gym and see what the new class on Thursdays are like. Alas, it wasn't in the stars for me to get to the gym. I'm just glad it was on a Thursday when I work out with Melissa. I was still able to get an hour work out in. Yesterday was also Enrichment night. Full of full fat foods and decadent desserts. I was super proud of myself. I had just a tiny serving of funeral potatoes, no roll, huge portion of salad, and no dessert. It was awesome. And to my surprise, it wasn't hard at all. It's because I'm still on fire. There are some many get togethers in December I have to pick and chose which ones I want to be bad at. Sorry ladies, last night just wasn't going to be worth the extra calories. It was a wonderful evening though.

This morning was really hard for me to get up. Brent had to leave earlier then usual so I just biked in the fat burning zone. I burned just over 200 calories. Which isn't enough. I should burn at least 500. I'm not sure I'll hit that number today. Too many things pulling me in different directions.

My eating has still been great. Although today I am really hungry!!! I mean HUNGRY!!! I'll need to call for back up today. Talk myself through this. Or just gorge myself on cabbage and carrots.

It's going to be another good day. And my first weekend is approaching. I know I will make all the right choices. I must, I don't want to ruin all my hard work this past week.

Denying my Daughter

Yesterday my sweet daughter, who grounded herself until Thursday from friends, asked me if she could make some cookies. I simply told her I couldn't have cookies in the house. Why not she asked. Because I'm trying to be good. And if there are cookies in the house it makes it really hard for me to be good. But Mom, I'll leave them in my room where they are no where near you. Ya, right. Like I'm going to let my daughter make cookies and then leave them in her room. I told her that I have no healthy cookie recipes. End of story. Or so I thought. After school today, since Hannah was still grounded and still determined to make cookies, googled "healthy cookie recipes". And she found one, and it only had 4 ingredients and was just 10 calories per cookie. I was impressed. Ya, they were merguines. But we added orange zest and vanilla to the batter and I have to admit, they were quite tasty, even delicious. So delicious that I had more then four of those cus cookies. Moral of this story? Research for healthy cookies is a great way to stick to a new way of life.

A funny thing happened to me while I was on the treadmill watching VH1. Every song could be a metaphor for losing weight. Carry Underwood talked about a man being a tall glass of water but turns out to be candy corn disaster. I've experienced candy corn disaster, how about you? Maybe it's not candy corn. It could be redvines, or m&m's, or chips, and let's not talk about zingers. I had a major disaster with those about 4 years ago. I need to be reaching for that tall glass of water. A new stradegy that I'm trying to combat night time cravings. Another song that came on was Rob Thomas' Living Outloud. He talked about starting all over, and expressing ourselves with our words and basically communicating instead of leaving all our feelings pent up inside. Boy, am I so guilty of this. I am going to try and live my life more outloud. I think it's healthy. I'm talking about VERBAL communication. None of this texting crap. I'm not going to progress much if I don't let my loved ones know how I'm feeling about my life and the lives of those around me and how we are weaving in and out of each others lives. Ya, it can get complicated, and frustrating but it's how we learn and grow.

breakfast:
cereal and milk with a side of bacon

snack:
a few almonds

lunch:
grilled chicken and pork with a whole lot of veggies

snack:
more stinking cheese
carrots

dinner:
egg salad sandwich.
Just wasn't feeling the chili I had made for everyone else. I actually didn't want to go near the cheese or the chips with a ten foot pole so I opted out.

snack:
5 merguine cookies

calories in: Who knows. Too tired to count

calories burned: 570, that's 60 minutes run/walking on treadmill

A little bit of Ghetto Booty

Recently at my Gym the Tae-bo instructor departed. I remember going to her class 2 years ago. Not much had changed which was a little comforting. It was a little sad to see her go. Last week I was gone for the first class of the new instructor. This morning I met her. She was very nice, very outgoing. She introduced herself and asked me what my name was. I can't repeat her name because it was a tongue twister. It sounded a lot like Shakira, but it's not Shakira. She told us we could just call her Shoe. If that name sounds a little black, it's because it is and so is the instructor. She was SO much fun. I found myself laughing at my white girl uncoordination. She literaly asked us to shake our booties. You know, like you see in all the J-Lo music videos. It was bad, on my part. How do you do that kind of shake? Seriously. In another combination move she asked us to ride that pony. Ya, you read that right. Complete with laso and reigns. I felt a little foolish. But it was really fun to "shake" up my work-out. I hope to channel some of that ghetto and shrink my booty.

Today was another good eating day. I made sure I was prepared and didn't leave the house hungry and made sure I ate lunch at home. Staying on top of my hunger is key. I realize that it's only the second day. But you have to start with some kind of momentum. It was hard again in the evening not eating sweets after dinner. I was still a bit hungry so I ate a little more turkey. I hope was the right choice.

Today was also another good exercise day. Not only did I make it to the gym for an hour, I worked out with Melissa for a good 50 minutes. If that's not serious determination, I don't know what is.

breakfast:
1 cup of chex
1 cup milk
1/2 banana
2 slices of bacon

snack:
cheese and an apple

lunch:
egg salad sandwich
carrots

snack:
more cheese, it was another indulging day.

Don't you find that when you cut major things out of your diet you turn to other outlets. I know I have to watch my cheese intake. And I will only eat it once tomorrow.

dinner:
turkey, bacon, avacado salad.

Total calories: About 1400

Total calories burned: roughly 770

The Fire and Desire is Blazing Hot!

I know, I know, I know!!! I'm hot then I'm cold. I'm in then I'm out. It's yes then it's no. I've finally gotten to that hot place where I'm in the groove again and ready to say yes to good choices. It didn't take much for me to get to this place. Just my clothes feeling a little tighter, watching my gut pooch out during tae-bo, and just being sick and tired of being a size 16. I'm ready to make the changes I need to lose this extra 20lbs. Which seems like a lot, but it's not 120lbs. So in all reality it's not a ton of weight to lose. Just that extra weight that I've been carrying around for the past 2 years. I've finally gotten to the place where this size and weight just isn't good enough for me. I know I can look better and feel better. Besides, this extra 20lbs is keeping me from being the best me. Even though I'm the biggest in Tae-bo I feel like I work the hardest. And if I didn't have this extra weight I would be kicking everybodies cuses. I'm ready to run faster, farther. I'm ready to wear 2-3 sizes smaller. And by golly I'm ready to go. I had an amazing first day. I lost my head for a few seconds and put a 2 or 3 hot tamales in my mouth. But other then that, it was a glorious beginning. Not only was my eating right on target but I was at the gym at 5am and ran/walked on the treadmill for 60 minutes. My trainer requires me to go for 90 minutes. I'm going to have to do something after the kids are in bed to get that extra 30 minutes. I feel pretty great about actually getting my fat cus out of bed and to the gym. Mondays are so stinking hard. Especially after a super long weekend filled with Thanksgiving dinner, my son turning 12, and hosting 3 parties. Nuts nuts nuts.

My desire is HOT!!! I can feel it burning me up. It's go time. (I know, I'm lame)

breakfast:
2 slices turkey bacon
1 egg
1 bran bread
1 clementine

snack:
cottage cheese
mandarin oranges

lunch:
egg salad sandwich
carrots

snack:
1 oz cheese
fat free ranch dip
(this was an indulgence, but it was just what I needed)

dinner:
salad with bacon, cabbage and avacado

total calories: 1200

exercise: 60 minutes on treadmill
calories burned:480

Punching the Bag

This past Saturday I actually got myself out of bed, only because I couldn't sleep anymore, and went to the gym. I was a little disappointed when the few women in there started to pull out the punching bags. I just wanted to get in some good Tae-bo. I was pleasantly surprised by how much I loved hitting those bags. It was invigorating. It was empowering. It was theraputic. It was just what I needed. I had had a pretty rough week emotionally and it was awesome to take my frustration out on a bag. I could feel all the tention in body release with the hits and kicks to that simple yet complex bag. I was sad to find out that next Saturday will be the last class for that specific instructor. This is her last week. I am sad. No more tae-bo and 7am Saturday classes. Bummer. I guess I'll just have to expand my horizon and find other classes to enjoy.

I didn't get up this morning. Mondays are very hard for me to get out of bed. I am spent from the weekend. My body is trying to recover from the crap that I ate all weekend long. I use those as excuses to stay in bed. I find Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays very easy to get out of bed. Sometimes Fridays. I need to work on Mondays.

I was expressing my frustration to Melissa about not having much success with runing and weight loss. Setting those 5k goals over the summer was suppose to get me to lose weight. Then she told me it has to happen at both ends. The eating and the exercise. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

It is what it is though.

I reminded my children this evening at FHE that we were given the word of wisdom for many reasons. And one of them was a guide line of foods we should and should not be eating. Fruits and Veggies being at the top of the list. I need to do better, still. It's just like everything else in life, it has to be a priority. Right now, it's not. And it needs to be. I'll start praying once again to learn to love and prepare veggies and salads. I have to. I have years and years of bad habits to overcome and I can't do this by myself. I keep telling myself this cause I constantly need to be reminded.

I just need to step up and get it done. No more justifying, no more complaining, no more excuses.

I need to punch a bag everyday.

Staying within the bounds

Since being more faithful in attending the Temple, something popped out to me that was very powerful. I was reminded that appetites and passions should be kept within the bounds the Lord has set. Yup, that's right. My eating is more then just a struggle, I made a covenant to control my appetite. Am I fullfilling that covenant I made? Not really. But because it's a covenant I know that if I work hard to obey it, the Lord will help me. It's amazing to me how weight, our bodies and our spirits are so intimately connected. Usually when we feel good about life, and feel good spiritually we treat ourselves with more love i.e. eating well, exercise. But when we feel opposite, we treat ourselves the way satan would have us treat our bodies, like their expendable and worthless. Which we are not. It's so important to me that I connect my spirituality with my mortality. That I work on controling my appetite because that's what I promised to do. I no longer want to be breaking a promise that I made with a Loving Heavenly Father. We make those promises so we can be happy and find joy. I know that if I can learn to control my appetite I will find joy. Who doesn't want joy and happiness in their lives?

breakfast:
eggs and turkey bacon
2 slices bran bread

snack:
none which made me light headed and weak

lunch:
3/4 of a Jay dog; this is NOT on the prescribed eating plan. But when you haven't eaten in 5 hrs logical thinking goes out the window and you what you can get your hands on.
frozen yogurt with fresh strawberries and granola

snack:
none

dinner:
slice of pizza

all the crap I consumed today:
2 smarties, 2 salt water taffy, twix bar, handful of junior mints, handful of chocolate chips.

Boy, that's a whole lot of confessing isn't it? I still have such a long ways to go before I'm controlling my appetite. I wonder how long my control will be stronger then my sweet tooth?

Where's the meat?

That's the question my daughter asked me on Monday. I was making dinner and she was wondering where the meat was. I informed her that you don't have to eat every night for dinner. Before I realized it, we have had 4 vegetarian meals this week. I didn't mean for that to happen it just did. No one complained. I don't think the rest of my kids even noticed that we weren't eating meat. I think the reason it happened was for financial reasons. Meat is expensive. Beans and rice are not. I sure made good use of the beans, and the rice.

I had a revelation today while working out with Melissa. If I just dedicate myself to hard work for 3 months, I could finish losing the weight that keeps haunting me. Just 3 months of being strict and crazy will allow me the freedom that I so much crave. What am I going to do with revelation? I don't know, we'll just have to see. I've always wanted to be a caterpillar in the winter, and emerge in the springtime a beautiful butterfly. Winter great because you can hide so much with sweatshirts and jeans. I want to come out of winter a new person. Is it doable? It sure is. And with Melissa's help she can make my dream a reality. I think she wants this for me more then I want it for myself. She's seen me struggle with my weight ever since we've known each other. She says she invisions me being the person I long to be. Now if I can just invision that for myself. I need to try harder at that technique. I can start asking myself what a 160 woman would do. I think I'll start that technique again, but try even harder to invision myself at that weight.

Oh the potential!!!

breakfast:
yogurt and granola(120)
eggs(95)

snack:
none

lunch:
dos sopes(400)
salad(60)
bite size crunch bar(60)

snack:
a few pices of candy(60)

dinner:
baked potato(500)

total calories consumed:1255

exercise: Tae-bo 45min
calories burned: 400

exercise: strength training 60min
calories burned:400

total calories burned: 800

Changing my life Today

I love it when the Biggest Loser is on. It's such an inspiring show. Last night they were in Washington D.C. I have been there several times to visit my sister. It was exhilarating to watch the contestants compete in places I have been. It made me long to see my sister and visit that amazing city again. Well, I get to see my sister in 3 short weeks. I am thrilled beyond measure.

I digress

During the work-out session that Jillian and Bob did with those average American's Bob said something that was very powerful to me. He said(something to this effect)" Today you are doing something to change your life." That's what it's all about. Taking it one day at a time. Doing your best in just one day. And those days will begin to stack up and soon you'll realize that you've had a month of "good days". Days that have changed your life, moved in the direction towards the person you want so badly to become. A day where you ventured to eat a new vegetable. A day where you decided to push yourself a little harder on the treadmill or on your walk. A day where you decided you were going to run, instead of just walk. Every day we can do something to change our life. What am I going to do today to change my life? Try a new salad recipe and share it with the rest of you.

In my mind a key to my success is learning to love and enjoy salads. There are a million different varieties out there and I want to start incorporating them into my every day life. If we are what we eat, then I want to become a salad.

breakfast:
1/4 cup oatmeal with brown sugar(135)
2 slices turkey bacon(140)

snack:
cottage cheese and mandarine oranges(250)

lunch:
2 sopes (500)

snack:
stinking tootsie rolls(200) Thank heaven's these things are gone!! The rest of the Halloween Candy is going in the Trash!!!!

Dinner:
stuffed bell pepper with white beans and rice
a delicious salad with a orange vinaigrette(recipe to the left)

Still sabotaging

Today has been a much better day. It started out at the gym. I warmed up on the treadmill for a measly 5 minutes. Then it was off to Tae-Bo. I was sad to find out that the instructor is moving or something because she's not going to be here for much longer. Sad. I really liked her 2 years ago when I went to her class. Any-hoo. Her class was super tough this morning. We did reps of 100 for a lot of different exercises and it was not easy. Towards the end of the work out, when we were already tired, she had us doing burpees. If you don't know what those are, let me describe it to you. You do a squat touching your hands to the floor, you jump back into a push-up position, jump back to the squat position and stand back up. Ya, it's tough. I don't know how many we did but as I looked around me and watched myself in the mirror I realized that I was one of only a handful of women that was still doing them. Ya for the fat girl!!! I did have to take a slight rest, but then jumped right back into it. I was so excited that I could keep up. It was very empowering to me. I was super red in the face, unlike some of the women, but I knew I was working hard. And it felt AWESOME!!! I can't wait to go back on Thursday.

As I was walking to my car I was flooded with feelings of disappointment and discouragment. Funny how a woman's mind works. First feelings of accomplishment, then thoughts of failure quickly take over. I kept thinking how my eating is sabotaging me. I am still working my rear end off with Melissa. It's not quite as intense since she's pregnant and not feeling good. But still, I'm working hard. If I could just get my eating in sync with my exercise I would be one lean mean, sexy fighting machine!!!

It still is so frustrating to me that food has such a hold on my life. That satan has such a grasp on me. It just doesn't seem fair. But life isn't suppose to be fair. We all have our struggles, and like I've mentioned before, this is mine.

I did have a much better eating day today. I still snacked on the Halloween candy, but just the tootsie rolls. Yes, it's still empty calories, but not as much fat. I put the bowl in the pantry. Thank goodness most of the good stuff is gone. That didn't take long at all.

I decided that I am going to follow the Body for Life eating program. It's simple, straight forward and I've had success with it before. You have a portion of protien, a portion of carb, a veggie with lunch and dinner and the best part, I get to eat every 2-3 hours. I'm better at grazing. I hope switching to this program will work for me. I don't want to be bogged down by my eating any longer. It's no fun. I want all my exercise to finally start paying off. If I'd just stick to a good eating program the fat would just start melting away. Ya right. Not with my luck. It's still worth a shot!!

breakfast:
2 slices toast(180)
breakfast drink(260)

lunch:
chicken sandwich(380)
a few baked lays(100)

snack:
tootsie rolls(200 a guess)

dinner:
7 layer bean dip(400)
8 tortilla chips(150)

total calories:1580(whoops)



exercise: tae-bo 45 minutes
calories burned: 350

exercise: core work out 60 minutes
calories burned: 300

Say Hello to Temptation

This is what's staring me in the face today!!! Two huge bowls of freaking Halloween Candy. I can just feel my gut getting bigger as I sit here just looking at it. It makes my drive to be a strong woman, stronger. I can't let this shiz hold me back from my potential. It's easy to say that in the morning and after you've had a weekend of no control. But what am I going to feel like after lunch when my hunger for something sweet hits me? Am I going to allow myself a small piece? Or will that small piece turn into 3 or 4 or 5 or possibly more? So do I just not put a single piece of wretched candy in my mouth? That seems to be the right answer. Melissa always tells me to look at candy as the most disgusting thing on the earth, repulsive, nasty, vomitus. Not just candy, but other items that can cause your health to go out the window. You know what I'm talking about, chips, white bread, frozen burritos, you get the idea. When you think of those things as repulsive it should be easy. I haven't used this technique yet, but I think I might start today. Candy is NOT good, it is NOT my friend and will only cause me anger and frustration and a front butt and a bedonkedonk butt. No thank you.

I wasn't strong enough to resist the Temptation. But like Dr. Oz says, make an immediate U-turn and start going in the right direction. So that's what I'm doing. I messed up, but I'm not going to ruin the rest of the day. I'm putting the candy way up high in my pantry and shutting the door. I put a piece of gum in my mouth and filled a large cup with ice water. I'm not going to progress if I keep making these mistakes. But I refuse to beat myself up over it. That's counterproductive as well. I'm just taking that U-turn and going to finish the day off the right way.

I failed miserably today. It sucked. I never took that U-turn. I never put the candy up.

It has to change tomorrow. I hate how my clothes are beginning to get snug again. That's bad that's really really bad.

Hopefully a morning at the gym will kick start me into some eating well. Let's cross our fingers

breakfast:
cottage cheese and mandarine oranges
2 slices turkey bacon

lunch:
1 corn quesadilla
1 cup cabbage soup

snack:
more cottage cheese and mandarine oranges

dinner:
home made white beans in a tortilla
1/4 cup applesauce.

plus grazing on candy all day long. If I could have stopped the grazing, I would have had a decent day. Yes, i still need more veggies in my diet. More prayers are needed.

It's more then just weight loss

I've been thinking a lot about the things that I choose to put into my mouth and it effects me and will effect me in the future. Right now, those effects are stronger then weight loss. Over time the wrong foods that I put into my mouth will cause gradual weight gain for the rest of my life, if I'm not careful. Its SO important that I get a handle on my diet NOW. And not just to lose weight, but to stay as healthy as an ox when I'm 80!!! I wont be able to eat mini candy bars every day for the rest of my life and expect to function properly.

It's just another element to the Fight, isn't it? I'm fighting for my older self. I'm fighting for the mother of Teenagers, to keep up with them, to win my battles with them. I'm fighting for the Grandmother that I will someday be. I want to have the energy and strength to care for those wee ones, to give my daughters and daughters-n-law a break that I know they will need.

Is that strange that I'm thinking about that? I've never been one to look to far into the future because of fear. But I have to. I have to work hard now to help me be the person I want to be n the future. By doing this the future becomes less scary and more exciting.

breakfast:
bacon and eggs(210)
1/4 cup granola(80)

snack:
none

lunch:
sticky chicken salad(550)

snack:
1/2 serving of yogurt(45)
1/4 cup of granola(60)

dinner:
3 oz turkey(90)
1/2 cup butternut squash soup(60)
1/4 cup applesauce(30)

snack:
nibbled on caramel corn(darn that special someone that booed my house. i guess they never got the memo I was trying to be good and am not strong enough to resist temptation) (200)

total calories :1325

exercise: ran/walked for 40 minutes
calories burned: 350

exercise: lifting weights 55 minutes
calories burned: 400

Curse of the Carb Gut

It's always interesting to me how people gain or lose their weight. Some people lose it in their butts or gain it there. Some people in their breasteses, or thighs. For me it's in my gut. And I hate it!!! If you gain weight in your butt no one really notices, until you turn around. But the gut is right in the front and is one of the first things people notice. When I gain weight, it's in my gut. I guess it's a good thing that it comes off little bits at a time. I would just rather have my weight gain somewhere other then my gut. I hate having a front butt, it's so disgusting. But I'm working on it. Yesterday was a good day. If I can remember what I ate. Thinking, thinking, thinking. Oh ya, shake for breakfast, quesadilla and cabbage soup for lunch, snack (not so good) york peppermint patty, and for dinner butternut squash soup with croutons. I could have done without the croutons, but there was nothing to the soup but veggies and broth. It's an amazing recipe and so ding dang good for you. Just like the cabbage soup. Nothing but veggies and broth. I hope that by eating cabbage soup before lunch, and a salad before dinner that will help to get rid of my dreaded carb gut. It's good that I am writing today because this day hasn't started out so well for me. I get in such a hurry and too busy and it's so easy to make wrong choices. It's seems like the wrong choices, when it comes to food, are more often then not the easy ones. The mini candy bars sitting on the counter from last night. Ya, that's what I've been snacking on today. I'm going to do better today. My gut isn't going to go anywhere unless I stop these dreaded old habits of mine.

Yesterday was a great day of exercise. I made it to the gym again and ran for 3 miles. I stopped a few times, but it felt so good to get 3 miles under my belt again. I can feel it working in my whole body. My back, my core and my legs. It's different running on a treadmill. I prefer the out of doors. But this will have to due for the winter months. After going to the gym i went and worked out with Melissa as well. It was a great day of work outs.

Not so much today. I had a super late night last night and I just couldn't get myself up. I should have. But I didn't. I was going to work out at 9am but things just didn't work out like I planned them to be. And that's how life is sometimes. Which is a stronger reason for me to be extra careful with what I put in my mouth. Careful, careful. But I'm not going to beat myself up over tiny mistakes.

breakfast:
1/2 serving of yogurt (45)
1/4 home made granola(60)

snack:
this is a killer 4 mini candy bars(200) ouch, that hurts. I'm just guessing on those calores too.

lunch:
tres sopes(amazing!!!)(600)

snack:
no snack, too full from lunch

dinner:
2 oz turkey breast(65)
3/4 cup cabbage soup(30)
1/4 cup potatoes(30)

snack:
home made granola(100)

calories:1040. I don't think this is correct. I think I ate way more calories then this.

exercise: None

Gym Rats

Hello again, to all two of my readers. Yes, you Sally and you Liz. I'm back. And in more way then one. This morning I actually made it to the gym again since getting preggers with Grace. I stopped going to the gym when I started getting really sick, okay that's a lie. I stopped as soon as I found out I was pregnant. At that point, I was done with the gym. My father in law got me another pass for Christmas. There was some fear associated with the pass, not sure what it was. Yes, I do actually. It's commitment. Once I go to the gym again I'm committed to myself to keep fighting this fight of mine. Am I completely ready to jump back on the wagon again? No. But I am ready to keep my runners body, if that's what you want to call it. I have no runners body, but I do enjoy running. I never thought I'd miss running, but I do. That fact is the driving force behind the gym pass. I don't want to start from scratch again come spring. I want to be better, be faster, and let's face it, just plain improve. But I was scared of the gym. I wasn't surprised to see a few familiar faces when I walked in. People that were there when I was consistently going 2 years ago. But just a handful. I think we call these people gym rats. Did they look any different? Not really. Some were a little musclier, maybe a littel thinner. But kudos to them. They are living the life that I am striving for. Having body and health a priority. I don't want to become a gym rat. I just want to keep motivated to keep my body moving and improve upon my level of fitness and healthiness.

I realized over the last 3 weeks that I'm not done. I'm not done losing weight. I just needed to take a break. I'm not going to be as strict with myself. But I am going to count calories. That is a must for me. It will keep me on track and keep me focused. But don't be surprised if you see "unauthorized" foods. I'm still going to live my life, just withing in reason.

breakfast:
2 slices turkey bacon (140)
1 small slice of apple bread (okay it's was cake. but who wants to admit to eating "cake" for breakfast? Not me!!!)(120)

lunch:
1 corn quesadilla(100)
3/4 pear(45)
1/2 piece of apple cake(60)
diet coke(gotta have my diet coke!!)

snack:
1 banana(60)
1 tablespoon fruit dip(I had to make sure it was good for tomorrow)(90)

dinner:
3/4 cup beef enchillada casserole(300)
1/4 cup green beans (10)
1/4 cup applesauce(45)

fhe snack:
1/4 caramel popcorn ball (90)

total calories: 1060

exercise: 30 minutes on treadmill
calories burned: 365

Letting Go and Climbing Up

Me and my baby at the top.

I recently had a conversation with a friend and came to a strong realization. We were talking about our weight, of course, and about expectations. The emotions just flowed to the surface. I was so angry that society expects us to be a certain weight, a certain size, a certain number. I just realized that I am HAPPY with the person that I am right now. Yes, I still have weight to lose to fit into what society says is safe and healthy. But I AM healthy. I AM strong. I am fitting into cute clothes, I am striving to eat healthy and to be happy. So I just let it all go. I let the stress of losing more weight slide out of my life. I know I said was going to take out diet and losing weight from my vocabulary. But I couldn't get it out of my brain. It seriously was a huge burden that was lifted off my shoulders. I have been so much happier and making better choices by just simply letting go. I'm no longer fighting myself, I'm working with me. That's so funny. But it's true. Certain foods just aren't tempting anymore due to the simple fact that I can have it if I want it. But I just choose not to. It's been wonderful.

My Mom invited me to go on a hike up Battlecreek. I knew it was going to be hard, and almost called it off. But I needed to go. I needed to prove something to myself. I didn't quite realize what it was until I got to the top. The whole time I was struggling up that mountain, with my 25lb baby on my back, I sang(in my head) The Climb by Miley Cyrus. I pure love that song and it's still my theme song. I wont lie to you, that hike was a killer beast. My heart rate shot through the roof, my calves were killing and so were my upper butt cheeks and I had to stop several times. Half way to the top I realized that my baby represented the weight that I have been able to lose. I could still be carrying that extra weight around on me. But I'm not. I did it. I lost that weight and can do so much more. I proved to myself that I am still stronger then I thought possible.
We really booked it up that mountain, it only took us 60 minutes. I'm so glad I didn't whimp out. I plan on doing this hike with my Mom again next year and do it even better. Cause I'm not done getting healthy. It's still a fight every day. I'm just not fighting myself anymore and that makes a huge difference.

Health being second nature

As I continue to ponder my new approach to life and all things fit and healthy, I wondered what it would really be like to be truly healthy. Health to me is how I treat my body with food. I am on the right path, but it is a struggle every day. It's work. I want to get to the point where eating right is second nature. I find it's still difficult to break years and years and years of bad eating habits. IT'S A FIGHT!!!! Sometimes it's a good fight, and other times, not so good. I want to get to the point where all I have in my house is good wholesome delicious food. I want to look at cakes, cookies and candy as repulsive. Because they are, they are the enemy. But why does the enemy have to taste so darn good. I think that's where the balance part comes in. Everything in moderation.

In an effort to make my life more healthy I am going to start featuring a salad a week. Over and over I've been told that salads are so good for you. Well, raise your hand if you get sick and tired of salad? I do!!! But I know how much fun and exciting salads can be too. So I hope to inspire myself to incorporate salads into my everyday life, thrusting me into that second nature health.

Fit as a Fiddle

I was thinking about my new approach to eating and living. And the phrase "Fit as a Fiddle" popped into my head. I started wondering what it really means to be fit. A friend of mine keeps telling me that I look good, I look fit. What does that mean. When I think of a fiddle I think of perfectly tuned strings, pulled tight over the shiny perfectly crafted wood. When it is played the notes are fast and sure. But some fiddles are worn with use and love. A little nick here, a little nick there. But even through the wear and tear the music that is brought forth is still beautiful. I have nicks here and there (love handles here, thunder thighs there). I have been worn with use and love (bringing forth 6 babies, struggling to get my former body back). Even through all of that I am still the same person on the inside. Yes I have changed, which I need to. But I am still the basic, fundamental person that I started out on this Earthly Journey.

I want to be fit. I want to bounce around with ease and lightness. I want to be able to play with my kids, to keep up with them. I want to be able to do the things that come with the demand of having 6 children, a husband, and a home. I can't do those things if I'm not fit and healthy.

No wonder Satan tries so hard to entice me with food and all it's pleasures. He doesn't have a body, so he doesn't want me to use my body, to care for my children and husband and home. He wants to tear me down. Well, I'm fighting against him. I will no longer allow him to have such a tight grasp on me. I eat to live not live to eat.

A new perspective

The past week I have been thinking a lot about this journey that I am on. I keep fighting the idea of a "diet" and losing weight. I'm just not feeling the love. And hence, I am eating myself silly. I don't want to do this to myself any longer. So I'm changing my approach with a new perspective. So my apologies go out to any of you who actually might follow this blog for weight loss. Even though I still have weight to lose, I need to change my approach. My goal is to just get myself healthy. Eating at the right times, eating the right foods, going to bed at the right time, getting up at the right time, having the right attitude about life. I need balance. I can no longer torture myself with the idea of weight loss. I know I'm not done. But I just need a break. I need to re-group and re-do some things.

A lot of my goals are the same. I still want my family to eat healthy, non-processed foods. I still want us snacking on fruits and veggies and eating junk food just one day a week. Okay, maybe on the weekend.

I'm still in a fight for my life. I'm fighting to be fit. I'm fighting to be healthy. And I'm fighting to find balance. I learned a great lesson at Education Week in August. I went to a class taught by Merilee Boyack. She goes on a prayer walk every morning and expressed her gratitude to Heavenly Father for all her blessings. On one such walk she felt impressed to improve her diet. She set it aside since she'd been eating more fruits and veggies then she had in a long time. Again, the impression came to her. Okay, okay she told herself. I can take out 10 things. I dont' remember them all, but cake, cookies, chips, chocolate, and candy were on the top of her list. She told us, I know what your thinking ladies, not one ounce. Not one ounce did she lose after taking out all those items. 6 months after changing her diet, and she confessed it was hard. She felt like all joy had been taken out of her life, she was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. She had a lot of other stressful things going on in her life at the time too. Oh, like being in charge of helping to pass Prop. 8 in California. She was the driving force behind all the members going door to door, standing on street corners and such other activities. The day she went in for surgery was election day. When she came out of surgery the surgeon took her by the shoulders and told her that they took out a 2 inch tumor from her breast, and that her body did an amazing job fighting off the cancer, it's a miracle. Merilee is confident that if she hadn't changed her diet she would be dead.

Now, I'm not expecting to contract cancer. But I am here with a specific purpose and plan. Satan is trying to do everything in his power to stop me from achieving what ever it is that I am suppose to be doing here(which is another subject for an entirely different blog). Satan has grasped me with food. Food brings me down, I am addicted to it and I hate that plain and simple fact. It brings me to tears to know that he has such a great hold on me.

So now I'm not trying to lose weight. I'm trying to get my life back in order. To gain power over the adversary, to gain back control over my body and my appetites. It is going to be a fight.

The Reason Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

As the oreos sit in my pantry calling to me. Actually, they're screaming my name. I keep asking myself, "Why am I doing this again?" " Why am I having a battle with myself NOT to eat the Oreo?" Oh ya, that's right, I'm still FAT!!! My body still in a lean mean fighting machine. It's still not functioning they way my Heavenly Father has planned for me.

Today has not been a perfect day. Hence the thoughts and urges I've been fighting today. I know why I've been struggling today. It's because I didn't get my breakfast in. I was too busy to stop and eat a good, healthy, filling breakfast. This just confirms to me how important it is to get a good start to your day. Cause if you don't, your day is so hard to get back. Really, it is.

I did get two work-outs in. One at 6am and 9am. Another reason for my ravenous appetite, I'm sure. I can't wait to get out to the Farmer's Market and buy more peaches. Aaaaa, peaches. My kids are gobbling them up faster then I can. And I bought them for ME. But I'm glad they are having a healthy snack. It makes me feel like a good Mom.

The screaming was too much, I induldged in 3 oreos.

breakfast:
2 toast(in between work-outs)

snack:
protien bar

lunch:
Arby's sandwich

snack:
5 ritz crackers
1 laughing cow cheese

dinner:
Corn salad
Fruit Salad
3 corn tortillas

BE BE AGGRESSIVE

Do you know what you have to be to win a fight? Aggressive, very good. This morning I popped in the wonderful Biggest Loser Cardio Max DVD. It has been over 4 months since I attempted to work-out with the trainers from that great reality t.v. show. The lady in the last work-out told me to be aggressive, just get in there and put in your all. I thought to myself, "geez, that's what I have to be to win my fight. Agressive."

While doing the ENTIRE work-out I noticed how much stronger my body has come. Bob has you do these mind-boggling hard Lunge/Hop deals. They are insanely difficult. When I first started I could barely do ONE!!! Now, I can almost do them the entire time. Yay for me!!! Yes, I still have a ways to go; my gut still get in the way of my high knees, and my but still jiggles quite a bit. But I am getting stronger to the point where I can tell a difference.

I'm thrilled with my new work-out schedule. I'm guaranteed to get in at least one work out, and the second is just icing on the cake. I didn't get to go running this morning at 9am so I am making it a priority to go this evening. Still have to make that 5 in 5 goal I set for myself.

breakfast:
good old oatmeal with the fixings

snack:
cottage cheese with 5 ritz crackers
(still hungry)
slice of whole wheat bread with 1tble p.b. and jelly
(still hungry, this is where I should have had some water)
1 peach

lunch
salad and 1 slice of veggie pizza

snack:
protien bar
1 peach

dinner:
Chicken Pot Pie

things I couldn't resist today:
sixlets(what the heck was I thinking when I bought those at the dollar store? can you sabotage?)
diet soda

things I could resist:
oreos
over eating my pizza
pancakes drowning in butter and syrup


exercise:
55 minutes of Biggest Loser Cardio Max

Never made it on my run. I got dressed. But the urge to sit with my Husband was stronger. Plus, my bed was calling my name.

Did you know that Try is a swear word?

Neither did I until today. Melissa asked me if I could do a certain number of reps and I said that I would try. It was then that she informed me that Try is a swear word. When you say Try you are allowing for failure, and she doesn't allow for failure. So I told her that yes, I could do that many. As I thought about how I feel when I say that I will try, my shoulder sag slightly, and my head bows just a little bit. You know you want to do what ever it is that you've been asked to do, but Melissa's right. When we say Try, we are not putting our all into it. I stood a little taller, told myself I was going to do 13 of those blessed squats, and ended up doing 20. There is power in positive words and thinking. Afterwards I felt like vomiting, and I'm not kidding. I had to sit down and literally breath my way through my stomach convulsions.

I didn't throw-up, in fact I am just fine. I actually feel great. My legs are a little jello-ee. But hey, no pain, no gain right. I even woke up this morning at 6am and did the entire Tae-Bo work-out. Ya for me. Working out this hard makes me want to eat right. If I'd just get my eating under control the fat would just be melting off. So get with it, and just say "No thanks, I quit red vines, oreos, ect.", and lose the weight.

I'm not going to Try and eat well today. I Am going to eat well today.

Breakfast:
Protien shake w/ banana and 1 tablespoon peanut butter

snack:
oatmeal with peaches, pecans, milk and 3 tsp of brown sugar

lunch:
huge salad

snack:
protein bar, chocolate of course
1 peach

dinner:
lame mac n cheese(that's what a busy soccer season will do to a girl. actually I just got caught up decorating my house for fall and fell behind)
1 peach

snack:
1 peach

Do you think that over did the peaches? Better then over doing the oreos!!!

things I said "No" to today:
Oreos, cupcake that Beckham didn't want to eat

things I didn't say "No" to:
Peaches!!!!

Exercise:
50 minutes of tae-bo

60 minutes of a**-kicking by Melissa.

Fancy Wedges = Bad Back

Darn those Wedges. And why do I do this to myself over and over. I want to look good, so I dawn the fashionable, but not to comfortable shoes and my back takes the beating for it. And because of my back aching and being sore from those darn wedges, I stayed in bed instead of getting up and working out. At least I started off with a healthy breakfast. Now I just have to keep going. One day at a time.

Over the weekend I was thinking about food, and how much I love it and how hard it is to get myself back to the healthy way of eating that I had 2-3 months ago. Then I realized, food will ALWAYS be there. It's not going anywhere. Unless we have some major catastrophe which is not unlikely. But if things keep going the way they are, food will always be there. So I just tell myself, be good, do right and eat healthy. The other junk will be waiting for me when I can indulge on Sundays. I can be good for 6 days. And just take it one day at a time.

I have some goals that Melissa and I set for myself to reach by September 24th. I will lose 4lbs, do 15 man push-ups, 2 nose to the ground push-ups(these are KILLER), and a plank for 75 seconds. I just hope I can do this while my back is aching.

My back, what a set back.

breakfast:
oatmeal and 1 peach with 3 tsp brown sugar
tall glass of water

lunch:
4 inch sensuous sandwich/ no mayo

snack:
Special K crackers
1 wedge of laughing cow cheese(ya, it's that good. have you laughed today?)
And 1 slice of zucchini bread(which turned into another, and yet another)

dinner:
home made veggie chili
tablespoon of sour cream
tablespoon of cheese

Things I said "No" today:
Redvines
Oreo Cookies

Things I didn't "No" today:
Zucchini Bread(obviously, at least it's all gone. NO, I didn't eat it all. My kids thankfully finished it off).
4 bites of orange sherbert ice cream.

Exercise:
Maybe 15 minutes playing Wii Fit. Love the boxing I unlocked. I'll be doing that tomorrow.


The exercise Must improve tomorrow. I have to get in more cardio and be more active. Being active isn't hard. I just have to keep asking myself "What would a 160lb woman do today?"

It's an Addict's World

The other day I was reading a book by Merilee Boyack titled "Strangling your husband is not an option." In this book she asks how many times do I buy my children treats. Lots actually. Then she asks, when was the last time you bought your husband a treat? Geez, I don't know. So with that in the back of my mind I bought two packages of Double Stuffed Oreos. They were on sale for a killer deal and they are my Husbands favorite. Well, guess who ended up eating most of them? Ya, that's right, me. Then the thought popped into my head:

A recovering alcoholic doesn't leave a six pack of beer in the fridge staring them in the face tempting them, a recovering pot-head doesn't leave a joint in the pantry, and recovering smoker doesn't leave a pack of cigs in the cupboard just waiting to see if they are strong enough to say "NO". NO, they don't. They don't leave any of those dangers in their house. Because they know they aren't strong enough to resist the temptation.

I know I am a food addict. So why do I leave junk food around the house thinking that I'm going to be strong enough to say "No" when I very well know I can't. It's more then just will power. When I do this I am just setting myself up for failure.

So the solution to my problem is to get everyone on board, including my husband, and not have any of that tempting stuff in the house. It goes right along with what I've been wanting to do all along. Teach my family good, healthy life long habits. And having sweets and treats on just one day, is good practice. I will allow myself one day. That way I'm completely taking away just being smart and disciplined about it.

The hard part for me is talking to my husband about this approach. He's never had to deal with his weight, EVER!!! He's always been thin and has always been able to eat whatever the heck he wants. So not fair. But he also doesn't have the same emotional attachment to food as I do. I'm just so affraid that he wont be willing to do this for me. But that is my insecurities come out in me. I know he will, he's said he would in the past. I just need to "man"-up and have the hard talk. It's the hard talk that is preventing me from moving forward. I will never improve and grow if I don't do hard things. Losing weight is a hard thing.

You've missed me, haven't you.

Big Sigh.

Where to begin.

Again.

I had a very rude awakening today. I have been building up to bounding back on my journey, but just dragging my feet. Telling myself that they way I am is good enough. In reality, it's not. I look at recent photos taken of me, and I shutter. Even though I've lost 23lbs, I still have so much more work to do. But the photos wasn't my awakening. My friend Melissa recently passed her Personal Trainer's test, Big HURRAY for her. This morning after our merciless upper body work-out, Melissa took my measurements and calculated my body fat, and weighed me.

Gasp....

I didn't know it was going to hurt so bad. Not physically, but emotionally. I was told that I have 41% body fat. WHAT??? Are you kidding me, I knew it was going to be bad, but not THAT bad. Tears welled in my eyes and I knew my journey wasn't finished. I also had gained 3lbs. That was better then expected. My clothes have been feeling a little snug.

The only positive that came from today was my willingness not to throw my hands up and give up on the spot. Melissa asked if I needed a hug. NO, no, no, I don't want anybody to touch me, I'm too upset for comfort.

Instead of starting on Monday, I started today. Which means I'm serious. Usually I have to start anew on a Monday. But the shock and hurt that I'm almost 50% fat, oh that's bad, was all the knowledge I needed to start NOW!!!

So, here I start again. My journey to a healthy fit life is priority again. So come along and join me. It's going to be filled with more bumps, bruises, tears, sweat, anguish, joy, and ultimately empowerment. Cause doesn't it feel good when you are in control and not the food? When you can say " No thanks".

4 little words...

This evening I was watching the movie, She's just not that into you. There was a scene in the movie where one of the dudes offers another dude a cigarette and he simply says, "No Thanks, I quit." What a wonderful phrase. Couldn't this phrase be used for just about any addiction we have in our lives. "No Thanks, I quit drinking Diet Coke." "No Thanks, I quit eating cookie dough." "No Thanks, I quit snacking." Four simple words, yet there is such strength and power in them. You don't have to explain yourself, it's already done. You aren't acting rude. And just saying those 4 little words gives you the courage to stick to what you've promised yourself you were going to do.

It's sounds good in theory, right? Now I just have to make the decision to stop drinking diet coke, stop mindless snacking, stop making cookie dough in the middle of the week and all my problems will be solved.

"No thanks, I quit."

Enough with the Vegetables

I had a very interesting conversation with my daughter Hannah the other day. She was telling me how I shouldn't be trying to lose weight anymore. I am perfect for me. I thought that was a very sweet compliment she gave me. But then we got to the root of why she doesn't want me to try to lose weight; it's because of all the new vegetables I'm making her eat. I just had to smile to myself.

I explained to her how important vegetables are to our bodies. I told her how my own mother didn't enjoy eating vegetables and didn't serve too many of them. I continued to tell her that when she gets older I hope she will be grateful that I did introduce all these "crazy new" veggies. Hannah finished up the conversation by telling me that when she moves out she's not going to eat any more vegetables. She can do what ever she wants when she moves out, and some day she'll find the light and start eating them again. I hope.

Yesterday morning I decided to push Beckham and Grace in the stroller and Jaren and Hannah came along on a bike and scooter. I decided that I needed to start running again, since I had taken a break. Towards the end of the route I was pushing myself to a specific target. Hannah was waiting for me and told me, " you don't have to run you know." I told her that I knew that but I wanted to. She just couldn't understand why I was running when I didn't have to.

Hannah doesn't understand a lot of things in her young, youthful body. But I hope that someday I can be an example to her. No I am not in perfect shape, nor do I eat perfectly. But I am striving to do and be better. And I hope that's what she learns, just to do and be your best.

Not in the Mood

In my attempt to follow a strict diet this week, I realized that I no longer want to follow something strict. I am not in any kind of mood to put myself through something like that right now. The first day my energy was gone. I longed for a diet coke and regular food. Just a slice of whole wheat bread, please.

I don't want to go back to the way I was, by any means. I just want to eat healthy. I just wish that eating healthy wasn't so ding dang expensive. This week there wasn't too many items for sale. And I guess I could have made a greater effort to search for the great deals. But again, I'm just not in the hunting mood.

Nor am I in the mood for counting calories.

I am going to keep on blogging. I don't want my journey to end. I'm not completely the person that I want to be. I just have lost drive and motivation. I need to approach my journey in a different way. I'm going to focus on portion control, and not eating sweets until the weekend, and don't eat after dinner. I know that I am strong enough to follow these guidelines.

I have been drinking more water, which is refreshing. The only irritating thing about this is that my jug of ice water becomes the community drinking fountain. My kids LOVE drinking my water!!! But it's mine. Not much is strictly your own when you are a mother.

More Desperate attempts

The past several weeks I have been feeling pretty crappy. I think I've mentioned this before. Today I decided to do something about it. Actually, I've been working up to it all weekend. I realized that as I get older my body can no longer tolerate some foods that it use to in my "younger" years. Not that I am getting "that" old, still. The bad habits that I had and continue to struggle with are once again rearing their ugly heads. Something needed to be done. So I pulled out one of my many attempts at weight loss, a book titled 6 Day Body Make Over. Yes, I actually did this for 6 days several years ago. But I hated it. It was miserable. And as I read through the nutrition of it I was quickly reminded why I hated it so much. But I need a kick in the pants, I need to prove to myself once again that I am strong enough to stick to something. Besides, I need a good cleanse. I don't feel as badly today as I have in the past few weeks. There aren't any carbs in this diet and I felt it right about 3pm, my energy was ca-put. I caved slightly and had a slice of whole wheat bread with low-cal peanut butter. I felt rejuvenated. I also need to remind myself how empowering it feels to actually control my food, and not have food control me.

I thought a lot about what has been going on in my life and what could possibly be thrusting me back into my bad habits. Well, there is something, and I thought maybe it wasn't causing a problem. But it has been stressful, and when I'm stressed I turn to food. Now that I recognize this, I will be making better choices.

I DID NOT enjoy my sauted zucchini and egg whites that I had for breakfast. I pretty much had to gag those down. But, it needs to be done. I also gagged down my chicken breast that was on the menu for lunch. I ditched the zucchini that I was suppose to have and had an apple instead. It really helps if you have on hand the items that you are going to eat. This is just an exercise in self control. To remind myself that nutrition and good health is a fight for me.

I caught a glimse of Oprah today and it was about people who were morbidly obese. Watching those people who are between 400-800lbs is heart breaking. It's a little upsetting to me when I am told that I am obese. Yes, I am overweight, but I am NOT obese. I don't care what the "specialist" say. Listening to those people talk about their addictions to food was an eye-opener. I have called myself an addict before, and I believe myself to be an addict. But nothing like what i saw on television today. I also realized that if I don't fight every day of my life for my health, I could turn out like them. Don't shake your head "no", anything is possible. But I refuse to allow that to happen. I refuse to let myself go. Hence my torturous week of eating nothing but egg whites, chicken breast, zucchini and short grain brown rice. All without salt. Which I can't do. I have to have some salt.

First day wasn't perfect, according to the 6 day Body Makeover. But as far as a regular making good choices day, it was great.

That's one Speedy Spaniard

You can barely see me, coming up to the finish line.
The woman in front, is my Mom.

There I am crossing the finish line, and you can see my time.

When I started running(more like jogging)I did it to do more then then just walking. I needed to get my heart rate up. First it began with me running for one block, then walking a block. I would go for 30 minutes doing this same pattern. I had run a 5k before, several years ago and I enjoyed it. So came the goal at the beginning of the summer to run 5 5Ks in 5 months. When I would talk about running I always said I would NEVER run a 10K. It just seemed daunting and overwhelming. I barely made it across the finish line after just 3 measly miles. There is no way in this wide world you were going to get me to run a 10K. Then the seed was planted in my head by more then just one person. Amy, Melissa, Jessica, and Brent were all instrumental in telling me I could climb this personal mountain of mine. So I signed up. I didn't train as much as I should have. My eating was poor. And my attitude and self-confidence lacked. But in the end, I realized that I am stronger then I ever thought possible. I had two goals going into this first 10k of mine. One, to run the first 3 miles without stopping. Second, to finish in an Hour and 15minutes. I accomplished both goals. I ran the first 3 miles in 30 minutes, which was 3 minutes faster then my last 5k. And I finished the race in 69 minutes. I struggled after the first 3 miles to keep running. I had to walk a bit to rest my body. But the feeling of having others pass me was too much, so I'd begin to run again. The last mile was killer for me. My whole body was telling me to stop. To plop myself down in one of the empty chairs lining the parade route. But I knew this is where my mind became stronger then my body. I told myself it's just one more mile. I can do it, and I did. I even sprinted the last little bit across the finish line. There were two people who were instrumental in my success that day. Ed Huhtala, ran with me for the first 3 miles. I know that I was holding him back. But he was such a sweetheart to stay with me. I told him to go ahead after the first 3 miles. He asked me if I was sure, of course I was. So he went right on ahead. He told me, maybe you could stay up with your Mom. She is the other person who made my race such a success. My almost 60 year young mother was running this race at a slightly faster pace then me, and she was injured. I never let her out of my sight, and I caught up to her steady pace several times. She is mentally stronger then me, not once did she stop to walk. I couldn't let my own mother beat me, which was a driving force to keep me going. She crossed the finish line before me, by just a few seconds. My Mom is an inspiration to me. I am grateful to both Ed and Mom for volunteering to run in this race with me. It's such an overwhelming and emotional experience when you realize that you truly are stronger then you ever thought possible. I ran a 10k. I'm not in perfect condition. I'm still considered overweight, and yet I did it. What made it even more rewarding was to have my family and friends there cheering me on at the finish line. To share with me a glorious moment in time.

As I've thought more about this accomplishment of mine, I am even more resolved to move forward with my weight loss. There for a while I thought that I was never going to be able to get below a certain number. That it just wasn't meant for me. That I was destined to stay at this blessed, bloody weight for the rest of my life. But that isn't true. If I am strong enough to run a 10k and tell my mind and body that I can finish that race, then I can finish my fight to be fit.

I can't forget to mention Leslie Christensen. She was there at mile 3 and ran with me for a little bit and told me what a good job I was doing. That was such a wonderful and uplifting surprise. So Leslie, if you happen to read this, thanks, you too are a great friend.

Thanks to Brent for supporting me in my running goals. For being there at the finish line with all our kids surrounding him, and encircling me in their love.

Thanks to Kelli for also being there to document my run. It was so fun to see you at one of the last turns shooting pictures and cheering me on. And then again at the finish line. You are such a great sister-in-law, one of the very best.

Thanks to Amy for always encouraging me and telling me that I am worth every bit of success that I have.

Thanks to Melissa for knowing that this accomplishment was always inside of me, just waiting to blossom.

Thanks to my sister Jessica. Even though you are clear across the country, hearing your voice and words of encouragement were always just what I needed. I wish you could have been here in person to run in the race. You would have kicked my butt!!!

Thanks to Mom. You are amazing. You are an inspiration to me. I love You.

The day before

It's the day before my 10k. I wake up with a sore throat, aces in my joints, and the thought of working out with Melissa makes me want to hurl. But I know that if I don't get my body moving, the blood flowing and circulating that I will just feel worse. I down some Airborne, trudge over to Melissa, endure a bruttle hour of plio workout, tredge back home, down more Airborne and hope for the best.

I feel half way decent right now. The moving around and airborne must have done some good. My eating wasn't at it's best today. When I'm sick, I just want to feed my cold with comfort. Now all I need is a good's night rest, a lengthy prayer, and a lot of positive self affirmation.

I can do this.

I'm stronger then I think I am.

I can run a 10k, easy.

Others believe in me, so I believe in me.

I have the power!!!

I think I'm in trouble

This morning I went out early for my run. I left the house at about 7:40am. I knew I wasn't going to beat the wind, and sun. Although the farther I am from my house, the less wind there seems to be. Well, not today. I wanted to mix things up so I took one of my routes backwards thinking it was a good idea. WRONG-O!!! I ended up running against the wind with the sun in my face. What was I thinking. It took me forever to run that silly 5k. I almost burst into tears when I calculated how long I'd been gone. The funny thing is, despite the amount of time it took me to run this morning, I knew that I could go on. With the knowledge that I could walk some during the 10k, I will be alright.

I still can't get over that I will be running a 10k day after tomorrow. It almost makes me sick. But I know that the only way to improve ourselves is to push ourselves. So here I am, pushing myself beyonds limits I never thought possible. We'll see how I feel come Friday afternoon.

I am grateful to all the people who have been supporting me. Their words of encouragement have been caring me through this whole experience. Having a support system makes a tremendous difference.

breakfast:
oatmeal(325)

lunch:
grilled cheese on whole wheat(260)
1 cup of cabbage soup(40)

snack:
Special K cracker (90)
laughing cow cheese(30)
Kashi bar(114)

I was hungry, okay!!!

snack:
kashi bar

dinner:
marinated steak
corn on the cob

Playing the Mind Games

This morning I woke up with a head ache. I thought that if I were to cut out soda and eat healthy that I would feel better, have more energy and be lighter on my feet. Not so. I blame my head ache on lack of caffeine. I've been without it for the last two and half days. I really didn't feel like going out and exercising but I knew I had to. So now I am playing mind games with myself. Running is nothing new to me. Although I haven't run very often in the past few weeks, I still should be able to get my booty moving. So out into the blustery wind I went. I did better then I thought I was going to. That is due to the mind over body game that I had to play with myself. I had to push myself. This is the only way I am going to succeed if I'm going to run this 10k on Friday.

I still keep thinking " What have I gotten myself into ". I so regret not training and running consistently the past few weeks. No sense in crying like a baby. I made my choices, now I have to suffer the consequences.

I hope to get a few more runs in this week just to prep my body for Friday.

breakfast:
oatmeal (325)

snack:
chocolate protein shake(325)

lunch:
tuna sandwich(250)
grapes(40)

snack:
kashi bar(114)

dinner:
zucchini with pasta
salad

snack:
one stinking snickerdoodle.

I am now battling the after dinner sweet tooth. I should have some grapes frozen or something.

Lettuce doesn't Judge

Friday is the 10k. Too bad for me I've had a horrible last two weeks. So now I have the unlikely task of undoing what I did to myself in those 2 weeks in just 5 days. But it's more then just the 10k. I found that I was battling monster PMS again. Now I know I need to track my cycle so that I can stay on top of those wretched feelings when they come. That way I can make sure to throw out all tempting food and stock my pantry with extra good things.

It's nice to know that when I decide to come back to the path, the journey, my battle, that the veggies and fruits seem to smile at me. They don't judge me for my mistakes or say "I told you so". They just wait there, patiently, waiting to be eaten to make me feel better. To cleanse my system of the crap that I so willingly and knowingly shoved into my pie hole.

I am hoping that by veering back to the path and eating a healthy diet will help me to feel better. I seriously have been feeling like crap. But I think I already mentioned this a week ago. I still didn't do anything about it.

I am doing something about it today. Funny, I always have to start on a Monday.

I didn't go for a run this morning. I felt like I was 16 months pregnant. Which I AM NOT!!! That's just the best way to describe how I felt. But I knew I needed to get my body moving so I went for a long walk instead. Better get moving then not.

I did a pretty darn good job at my eating today. One of the reasons for me sitting here typing is the temptation that the rice crispy treats are having over me. Hannah was so bored she wanted something to do. She came up with rice crispy treats. I just couldn't tell her no. So now I find myself battling my urge to purge. I am stronger then those bloody treats. I have the power to say no and I will say no. I am done feeling like crap. Done, done, donie, done!!! I know that if I put those in my mouth not only will I feel guilt, but I will have a tummy ache.

I will turn to my veggies and fruits. They don't judge, they don't make me feel like crap. In fact, I feel the exact opposite. Veggies are my friend, they make me feel confident, and slender. So the choice is obvious, right? RIGHT!!!


breakfast:
Oatmeal with milk and pecans(325)

snack:
chocolate banana protein shake(325)

lunch:
tuna sandwich(300)
1 cup cabbage soup(50)

snack:
kashi bar(114)
1/2 banana(40)

lunch:
salad w/dressing(80)
1 corn on cob
1/4 cup of beans

Thoughts about.... lots of things.

I was resolved to begin a new today. Breakfast was great and it ended there. I spent a torturous time at Walmart waiting for my ride to get an oil change. The wait went through lunch and I was starving. I bought some sandwiches and the kids and I split them. But what are sandwiches without chips and a drink? I didn't eat an entire bag of chips, just a few, really. But then it went completely down hill form there. There was leftover cake on the stove I picked at the frosting all afternoon and evening. Dinner wasn't so bad. I made home made chili and we ate it with instant potatoes. Strange, but it was good. Our side dish was watermelon and it was good, good, good.

I can feel my gut getting bigger. All my extra calories go directly to my stomach making my pouch ginormous. So embarassing. Even though I feel my gut getting bigger I have no desire to do anything about it. Why is that? I know that what I am doing is wrong, and yet, it doesn't matter. I have this silly 10k to train for and my desire to train for it is minimal. That is so not acceptable.

What am I going to do with myself? I know better. I know what I'm suppose to be doing. I know how to eat.

What is going on that is causing this lack of desire? Brent is preparing to leave again for a week. Is that it? It is difficult for me to be by myself all day long without a spouse. I do it all day long by myself, but the evenings are different. But my Mom offered to help out in the evenings and my sister-in-law offered to hang out.

Is it that my children are getting older? My second just celebrated her 10th birthday and my oldest is going to be turning 12. I have to admit that they are more enjoyable to be around as they get older. I can carry on a conversation with them. They have their own ideas, and opinions, and desire to push their boundries. Yes, that is hard and delightful at the same time.

Do I feel overwhelmed as a mother? Yes. I think I am feeling inadequate to be the mother of 6 children. Especially on days when my children are constantly bickering over everything, are loud, are disobedient, are just being children.

Is my lamp empty or full? Right now it is low. I think this is the root too all my suffering(not that it's that much suffering). But I haven't been to the Temple in ages. I haven't been studying my scriptures on a personal basis either. To put it bluntly, I haven't been putting the Lord first. I have no desire to go to church. It is not fun for me. I feel as though the whole ward is staring at me and my disruptive children. Having a 17 month old baby that doesn't want to sit still, screams at her disapproval makes church sometimes unbearable. In the last 4 months I think I've been to Relief Society a total of 3 times. Not including the Sundays that I teach.

Last week in Relief Society a sister made a comment that I needed to hear. We were talking about marriage. She heard some advice that was given to a new bride, " Your husband can not make you happy. Only you can do that." How true that statement is. And not just with our husbands, but with everything else. I am the only person that can make myself happy. I can't expect that from my husband, children, friends, weight loss, or even attending church(cause that's not doing much for me) to make me happy. But what I do for me, my attitude, my mood, does matter.

So along with my temporal goals, I should have some spiritual ones. My spirit is suffering, which is having temporal consequences. I need to put the Lord first and everything else should fall into place.

1. Rise Early and read my scriptures

2. Pray first thing in the morning and again in the evening. And anytime during the day when I feel alone or weak.

3. Attend the Temple once a month. Whether it be with my husband or alone, I need to go once a month. This is exercise for my spirit!!!

It comes and it goes

Motivation.

For me it comes in waves. I'm sure I'm not the only one that suffers from this. This week was a great reminder to me why I am trying to change my life for the better. This whole week was spent in careless and mindless eating. The only difference from the past is that I didn't eat as much of the bad stuff. Last night I was completely sick to my stomach. I seriously slumped on the couch ready to turn my head and hurl. Yes, it was that bad. I hadn't eaten that badly for a long time. I don't want to have to feel like that again, well, EVER!!! I know I will probably lose my motivation again and again. But in return I will be reminded again and again why I am striving for a healthier lifestyle.

My bad eating choices seriously effected my running as well. I felt heavy and weighed down. It was no fun. Making better eating choices really does make a difference in your athletic performance. I am by no means, and athlete, but it does make a difference.

The past few days I have been preparing myself for a renewed commitment. A commitment to eating better and exercising more often. I have a specific goal in mind and I need to do all that I can to achieve it.

I have no new strategies to begin my new week. I'm just going to stick to the ones that are working for me right now.

1. Count my calories

2. Burn at least 500 calories a day

3. Ask myself, "What would a 160lb woman do today?"

4. Be Positive

5. Drink more water then Diet Coke

I have so much enjoyed running with my friends the past few days. I am going to try and reach out to those same friends and try to gather a few more into the exciting world of run/walking. It has changed my life and it continues to.

Plus, I need to continue to train for that darn 10k. In all actuality, I'm getting excited for it. I am reaching into territories I never thought possible. That is exciting.

Not feeling it

This week has been a struggle for me. When has this journey not been a struggle for me? I have had no motivation to exercise or eat right. Nothing emotionally upsetting is going on with me this week. I'm just not feeling like a fight. I think I might just be needing a break or something. Is it possible to take a break from and all consuming goal to lose 16 more lbs? I know it will take me at least a week longer to reach my goal. And come Monday morning I will probably regret my decision to take a break. Or it might be just the thing to get me going strong again.

Runner's Wave

This morning when I went for my jog I passed several other joggers. I love how cordial other runners are. Always waving or saying "Good Morning", "Hello" and such. There is a type of comradery amongst runners that is endearing. Another endearing quality about runners is there ability to encourage. I know several people who run marathons and every time I talk to them about running and the meazley miles that I run they are always so excited for me and encourage me to keep going. I love that.

I signed up today for the Speedy Spaniard. This is a 10k. Yikes!!! With much encouragement from Melissa, Amy and Brent I will be running 6 miles on July 24th!!! Well, I wont run the entire time, but I will do my best. Whoa, what was I thinking.

Freedom 5k

I did it. I ran in the Freedom 5k in Provo. It didn't turn out the way I had hoped, but just running it was a huge accomplishment for me.

The previous day I had gotten up at 5:30am to go to the Balloon Launch which is part of the festivities in Provo. Directly after teh balloons I took the kids on a hike up to Bridal Veil Falls. After that we went to Thanksgiving Point with my parents. In the evening we took the kids, courtesy of Brent's Boss, to a REAL Salt Lake Soccer game. We didn't get home and in bed until midnight. Not good for someone who is running a race the next day. I still kept my spirits up because I knew that Brent and the kids were going to be there cheering for me at the finsih line. Soon after going to bed Grace started fussing and she ended up vomiting several times in the night and spent the rest of the night in bed with Brent and myself. Sigh. Another strike against me.

When my alarm went off I wanted to roll over and go back to bed. But I knew that I had set a goal and I was committed to reaching this goal. I got up, got dressed and was gathering all the kids clothes when Brent suggested he stay home. I knew this was the wise choice but what spirit I had was quickly dashed. Not only that, due to my lack of sleep I didn't feel well at all.

I jumped in the suburban and drove to Provo by myself. Parked by myself. Walked to the start line by myself. Waited for the race to start by myself. Ran/walked the race by myself and finished the loneliest person there at the race.

The only ray of light during the whole morning was Emily Gunderson. She must have spotted me and came over to say hello and to wish me luck. She will never know how much that meant to me that morning. So Emily, if you are reading this, thanks. That smile and hello meant the world to me!!!

I regret walk/jogging this race. I finsihed with a time of 33:10. Which is probably the exact same time as the Springville race. So many circumstances were working against me. But I am grateful that I fought and battled to the end. I might not have started or finsihed this race the way I had hoped. But I ran it. And that's what counts.

I had Brent take these photos of me after I returned home. I had to have some kind of documentation.

Broken

Last night as I was doing some thinking(which we as women do A LOT), I realized that I no longer eat a ton at night. I eat my dinner and that's pretty much the end of my day. The only exception to this is the weekend when maybe I'll have a small bowl of ice cream with Brent while watching a movie Saturday night, or dessert after dinner on Sundays. Other then that, I have broken one of the worst habits that I have developed over the years. This is big. Taking baby steps and consciously making an effort has turned my bad habit around. It is an incredible feeling when you realize something you've worked so hard for has finally come to fruition.

Yesterday I also kept my body moving. First with my run in the morning, then pulling weeds in the afternoon, going on a hike with the family in the early evening, and a long fast walk in the evening.

I tried to stay as active today as I did yesterday. I worked out with Melissa for an hour. I must have worked hard because once I almost fainted, and towards the end I almost threw up. A sign that you are working hard. I took the kids to the reservoir and instead of just sitting in my chair I got out and waded in the water and sat on the edge. Not a lot of movement but at least I was more involved then a slug on a chair. No offense to those that sit on their chairs. I had every intention to go work out again but my bed was calling my name. So I went to bed instead.

Consistency

After such a long week I didn't feel like getting up this morning. My husband's alarm went off too early, Grace started calling for "mom" to early, and 9am came around too early. I almost bagged my run due to the nagging desire to sit around and do nothing at all. But that's not what a 160lb woman would do. And that's not what I did. I know that for me to be successful right not I have to be consistent with my exercise and my eating. There's no if's, and's or big but's about it.

There is a pan of left over brownies sitting on the stove, beckoning me to come and eat them. I did have a small small square after lunch. But the smart thing to do right now would be to throw those suckers away. If I don't need them, then no one needs them. We can curb our sweet tooth with pineapple and cantaloupe.

The other day I went on a walk with my friend Lisa. It was great to exercise again in the evenings. That is just what I need. Lisa wants to go consistently so there is my excuse to get my butt in gear twice a day. I need more cardio and walking will be perfect. Not only that, but extending my support system and talking with other people is so good for my psyche.

This evening I finally, corroborating with Jaren, convinced Brent to take the kids out for a short hike up Diamond Fork Canyon. It was great. It was active and something that I want to continue to do with my kids.

Long Run

I was up this morning before the rest of the neighborhood was. I battled the wind and went for a long run. How long it was, I'll have to track it. Maybe 5 miles, we'll see. I had new music uploaded to my ipod and off I went. It felt great. I did the walk/run strategy and I really think that is going to work for me. I think I walked like 4 times for 30 seconds or so and was off again running. I really tried to push myself faster when a new song came on. I have just one week before my next race. I can't believe next week is July. Holy Cow!!

Yesterday was not a good day eating. But I kept it to a minimum. Except while I was waiting to go to my reunion. I found that I ate a cookie and some chocolate. I must have been nervous and anxious about seeing old aquantances from High School. Which is so silly. I got two compliments last night. Both made me feel really good. And I wondered on the way home why I put those dreaded things in my mouth. It was mindless eating. Not so much mindless, but a subconcious effort to calm my fears, which is my biggest bad habit that I am trying to break.

As I continue on this journey I realize that I am becoming more aware of my thoughts and feelings and how they relate to my eating. Sometimes I know that I am upset and should go to the pantry and I still do. Other times, I might not recognize it until after wards or during. But at least I am recognizing it. Now I just have to figure out what I'm going to do in replace of the food. I think I should just remove myself from the house. Take a quick walk around the block, focus myself and jump back in the game. I think I'll try this next time.