Is it real? Or is it fat?

This morning when I stepped on the scale I found that I had lost a few pounds. I was shocked. So I've stopped nursing, and my appetite has calmed way down. But I really don't feel as if my body is changing all that much. I tried on a pair of my old favorite pants and they fit slightly better. As I was showering the thought struck me, what if I'm not losing weight. What if my body is changing from muscle to fat? Fat weighs less then muscle, right? Could it be true? I think I'm right. I am almost 33 yrs old. My body composition is changing. I have experienced an excess of fat in places that I've never had to worry about. I love getting older. So many things in life get better with age and experience. Take sex for instance. So much better now then when I was first married. But these changes to my body SUCK!!! I am going to really have to start concentrating on exercise and especially my diet.

I look at women who are in their 40's and some of them are gorgeous. You'd never know they were that old. I want to be one of those women. I don't want to have the gut that hangs over, even when I'm standing. I don't want to have relief society arms, nasty.

November Goals

I did pretty good with my goal from August to October. Then I took October off and consequently 2 steps back. But that's okay. I proved to myself that with a little hard work and determination I can achieve my goals.

Again, this month I would like to lose 10lbs. I am going to eat 3 times a day with 2 snacks. I am going to try and follow the Absolute way of eating. I am going to drink 8, 8oz glasses of water a day. I will do 30min of aerobic exercise 5 days a week and lift weights 3. My body needs to move more.

I am confident that I can attain these goals.

I stepped onto the Wii fit board and did a body test. I am still obese, damn thing called me names again. I am bound and determined to be called by another name.

Although I haven't gotten to officially work out for 30min., I have been moving all stinking day. Going from one project around the house, to another. It kept my hands busy and I felt extremely productive.

Besides all this, I owe Amy 2.50 every time I mess up!!! She ain't gett'n any of my money!!!

Deceitful Photos

Just when I think I am looking good, I get a glimse of me on film. Yes, I'm talking about ding dang photos. Why does the camera have to add 10 pounds? I don't feel like it adds just 10 pounds, but a hundred.

I really envy those people who lose weight in their faces first. That is the most noticable of all places to loose weight. I think that is the LAST place I lose weight. Even when I was thin for 5 seconds of my life I still had checks that drowned out my eyes when I smile.

All the more motivation to keep doing what I'm doing.

I struggled on my vacation to Disneyland. I did my best. The car ride was the worst. What was I thinking bringing along a whole shoe box full of candy bars. DUH!!! That totally spells out sabotage!!! Can't look back now can I? I just have to make a U-turn and start over. All is not lost, right?

Finally making some progress

Well, it's been almost 2 weeks since I started over again on my weight loss journey. I am happy to announce that I am actually having success. I haven't beaten myself up, I don't hate the food or have to gag it down. I'm not hungry. This strategy is working brilliantly for me. I have lost 7 pounds. I am now at the weight I was when I abandoned Absolute. I am thrilled that I have found a happy medium in my life. It feels so much better to treat myself with love and respect. It feels great not to deny myself of pretty much anything. Moderation has been the key for me. I hope to stick with this way of life.

I think it also helps that I have found success in prayer. Having a relationship with My Heavenly Father has been so important. Just this morning after stepping on the scale I realized that prayer is actually working. Small and simple steps.

< 180

I have crossed the threshold! I am now less than 180 pounds!

I really can't believe it. It's so fun to be getting smaller and smaller. Ed weighed himself on Friday and he was 175 pounds. I'm 178. I have 4 more pounds to lose before I'm less than him. This hasn't happened since 1997- over 11 years ago.

My new goal is to lose 13 more pounds before we go to Disneyland in October. I have a little over 4 weeks and that would put me at 165.

Who knew my efforts would finally work? I had my doubts but now I'm so grateful.

Here we go again

Man, this whole striving to lose weight gig is the biggest yo-yo of my life. It sure comes with it' s major, and I mean MAJOR, ups and downs. Since I've gained back ALL of my weight with Absolute I decided to get back on the band wagon. I'm hoping this time it will last longer.

In the past few weeks I came to realize something that I have never realized before. That is, losing weight is a righteous desire. We can supplicate to the Lord with any righteous desire and he will help us achieve that goal. I always thought that wanting to lose weight was vane and prideful and selfish. But is over indulgence a sin or a righteous desire? Uh, duh, it's a sin. I no longer want to be sick and afflicted with the food that I feed my emptiness. I want to have a good quality of life.

Yes, I have struggled with prayer before. And it wasn't until this last Education Week and struggles that I had with my silly cub scout calling did I realize the power in prayer. So I am now using it to my advantage and realize, that yes, losing weight is something that I can total pray to my Heavenly Father for help. Through prayer, something else is starting to happen, my emptiness is starting to be filled. Filled with gratitude, love and a change of heart.

Gratitude is something that I need more in my life. To remind me of how good I actually have it. So I started yet another blog. This time, to write down once a day something that I am grateful for. I am doing it to keep me in check. This is the sight.

Just Keep Swimming, Swimming, Swimming

I've been swimming laps in the morning for 2 months now (at 6:30 a.m. nonetheless) and I love it. It's the only kind of exercise I get out of bed for. I'm trying to work up to swim a mile. I'm doing about 1/2 mile right now.

Next month, I've switched my lane time to 8 a.m. Amberlyn and I are going to switch babysitting the younger ones so we can do it (sort of ) together. I'm looking forward to the extra 1/2 hour of sleep and I'm excited for Amberlyn to try it.

Another random type of exercise I tried last week is a Hip Hop Dance class at the gym. So Fun! I'm hooked. The thing is that it tricks my mind and body into thinking it's dancing instead of exercise. And I've always felt bad for not making the Northwest High School Honey Bears squad so this is my chance to dance my heart out! As long as I don't glance in the mirrors- I'm good.

Ferocious

About two nights ago my appetite turned ferocious and I could not tame it. No matter what I ate, I was still hungry. Yesterday was a terrible day. I ate and ate and ate and never felt satisfied. What is up with that? As I thought a little more about this, I made a connection. I started to eat more as soon as I realized that it was my turn to conduct Cub Scouts. Is that the silliest thing you've ever heard? I thought about it all day yesterday and to calm my nerves I fed them food. I soooo do not need this in my life. I have had this calling for almost 2 years. It is a very stressful calling in a ward that is over 55% children. I am done. I hate what it is doing to me physically and mentally. I am going to ask to be released this Sunday. I have never in my whole life done this before. But I feel it is vital for my well being. I hate feeling this way about a calling, but it is what it is. What would you do if you had a calling that effected you this way?

Ever felt this way?

Since I have been an exercising fiend lately I was excited to step on the scales. I can sort of tell my stomach has gone down a little bit, yeah for me. So I was feeling pretty encourage. I stepped on the scale and the exact opposite happened. I so hate that. You work and work and work so hard to attain a little bit of success and it isn't even supported by the stupid scale.
Melissa tells me over and over again that weight loss is 80% diet. Screw dieting. I hate dieting. Why can't I see a difference with the small and simple changes that I've made in my life. I am making much better choices and I have cut out diet coke. Hello!!!!!!!! I haven't even replaced that with chocolate. I know I need to work harder at improving my eating. But come on, I need a little encouragement here. Can't the scale cooperate with me just this ONE time!!!
My solution is to continue to work out to the max. Run, walk, 10 minute dealio thing, 60 minutes every tuesday with Melissa. Someday it will begin to fall off. Till then, you get to continue hear me complain and mope and groan about how stinking hard it is, and how unfair it is.

10 minute workout, jogging and the plank

I made a huge impulse buy the other morning. I finally got it in the mail last Wednesday. I started it on Monday. And it is kicking my butt!!!! Literally, I hope it is. I never thought in a million years that a work out could be so intense and precise and all be done in 10 minutes. Of course you are suppose to "stalk" the workouts. But I am pacing myself. I am already sore and loving every minute of it. I can't wait to watch my body get stronger and stronger.

I might not be that great at dieting, to addicted to food. But I do love to work out. Like Amy mentioned we started jogging to get ready for this 5k. I went jogging with Leslie this morning and we went twice as far as I did with Amy and I thought I was going to die. But it felt so dang good. To know that I was able to do that, even with my fat butt singing the jello jiggler song. You know, the one that chimes, "jiggle jiggle, jiggle those jigglers." My song wasn't referring to jello, but my two bulbous butt cheeks that jiggle like jello. We went just under 3.5 miles. After jogging I challenged Leslie to do the plank for one minute when she got home. I immediately undressed Grace and had Hannah start the timer. If you want an amazing core work out, try the plank on for size. I almost made it for 1 minute. I had to put my knees down twice for a few seconds. My goal is to be able to do it completely for 1 minute.

All I can say is thank goodness for exercise. It is saving my butt. Someday I will have the eating under control. Maybe that day will be when I'm done nursing Grace and I don't have such a ferocious appetite.

The Coke Vice

This past weekend I had my cousin and her 4 kids staying with me. Due to my Grandmother passing away they needed somewhere to stay. My cousin has always been big. But her sisters were always bigger. Not this time. I was disappointed to see that she looked like she had gained a ton of weight. I am estimating that she weighs over 300lbs. During her stay not once did she ask to help me cook, or clean. That was very frustrating. Then I watched as she opened up soda after soda. I thought to myself, I was once like that. But not anymore. Since Hannah's last day of baseball tournament I vowed not to drink any soda unless I am out to eat. I have stuck to that commitment. After watching my cousin and her husband, I am so grateful that I have made that change. I haven't noticed a difference on the scale. But I feel so proud of myself for overcoming that hurdle. Soda has been another one of those comfort things. I turn to it when I am overwhelmed, or stressed out with the kids. But I don't need it anymore.

Dead Woman Running

Amberlyn asked if I would run a 5k with her in September. I have never run a day in my life but feeling brave in my new body, I told her I'd give it a shot. I didn't make any promises.

So tonight we went on our first practice run/walk. We went a distance of 1.5 miles (approx. half of the 5k) running for 2 minutes and walking for 3. We alternated this over and over.

I thought I was going to die but I did not give up! Thanks to Amberlyn and Ed encouraging me the whole way. I thought I was going to die.

I feel pretty good now.... except that I've been sitting blogging for about an hour so I'm not sure what will happen when I try to get up....

It definitely gives me more appreciation for my lap swimming in the mornings- maybe I'll work up to running TO and FROM the pool. Not!

"Absolute"ly Wonderful

So I mentioned on my personal blog that I would give the details of my weight loss on this blog. Please feel free to email me at bizemomof5@gmail.com if you would like further details.

Amberlyn heard about Absolute from a friend of mine that does our hair. So Amberlyn mentioned it to me and we decided to start it together.

My explanation of what Absolute is:
It's like a medically-based Weight Watchers. The reason I say this is the coaches and staff aren't just people who have lost weight on their program. They are trained professionals in the areas of diet and nutrition. Plus they give you some really great drugs to help you out. The nutrition part of it is high protein, low fat and low carbs. I basically won't be eating breads and pastas for the rest of my life-which I'm totally okay with. The diet part of it is also geared to increase your metabolism- beginning with a 3 day fast start of only meat and raw veggies. They also recommend that you eat at least every 4 hours. As far as the drugs go, they can prescribe (a NP is on staff) an appetite suppressant which has saved me from mindlessly eating and cheating. Once a week, you get vitamin B6 and B12 shots which help with energy and metabolism. I can really tell a difference when I get these shots- they really help. This program is a bit pricey. It's around $130 the first month and $85/month your second month on. I think it's worth every penny because if you follow the program, it works. One of my most favorite parts of the program is once a month, when you go in for your monthly check-up, they weigh you on a body composition scale. This tells you how much of your weight is fat, muscle, and water. This way, you know what you are losing. And they don't want you to lose muscle. If you lose muscle, you are doing it wrong. I love this because my third month, the weight wasn't coming off as quickly and I was discouraged. When I went in for my check-up, I saw that I had gained 4.5 pounds of muscle that month. Obviously, that means didn't lose as much weight as I thought but my clothes fit better. This helps me to understand that I should be proud of that muscle instead of stress that it's not coming off very quickly.

My goal when I started the program was to lose 10 pounds each month. I've been doing it for 4 months and lost 44 pounds so I'm right on target. I don't know if my weight loss will continue at this rate or not but I'm not going to be too concerned about it....I'm just going to keep plugging along.

Why now?
I'm not sure why this is working now or why I have the willpower to stick to it... there's probably more than one reason. 1)I saw it work quickly- I didn't have to wait weeks to see any change 2) I'm done having kids so as long as I stay focused, the risk of me putting the weight back on is low 3)I feel great about myself 4) I realized the older I got, the more my extra weight would hinder me from doing the things I love to do 5) Now that my kids are a little bit older, I don't feel guilty making time for myself.

Like I said, if you have any questions... feel free to e-mail me. I'm not sure who all reads this blog but if you would like to see my Before and During pictures, go to my personal blog at www.thehuhtalafamily.blogspot.com

I'm going to post my current weight at the end of every post so I can see my progress....

186 pounds

Getting Somewhere

This is my second week into Body for Life. I feel like things are going well. I am totally making better choices in the eating department. Food is my bane, my crutch, my comfort. By consciencely making good choices, I am feeling empowered. I still have a hard road in front of me. These feelings of empowerment are propelling me forward with a greater desire to continue making great choices.
Melissa's words still ring through my head every day. " You have the power to change. " I find myself repeating these words in my head when I come to a hard decision. I have the power to over come. I have the power to choose good. I have the power to change. It's inside me. Waiting for me to grab hold, and run. No more excuses. No more whining. No more complaining.

The Day After

Yesterday was Pioneer Day and my Free Day. It wasn't much of a free day. It just felt like any other day in my previous life. I guess I should have made more out of it. I could have eaten more cookies or maybe more ice cream. The great thing is I don't feel so guilty today. The bad thing is, I wish I would have pigged out more. I find that is what is making it hard for me to get back into the swing of things. If I had eaten myself sick it would be easier to go back to eating really healthy. I think that is one of the reasons for having a free day. So you can remember what it feels like to be sick and sluggish. Either way, it was my free day, good or bad.

Now I have to get back into the mind set of eating a portion of carb and a portion of protien. And a veggie with at least two meals. Which will be easy. Already this morning I passed up the left over donuts and had a tortilla scrambler. It's a good thing that I get to eat every 2-3 hrs. I just need to get a little more creative with my in between meals. I've already eaten up my protien bars because they are so easy and convenient. I need to start eating the cottage cheese and mandarine oranges that I bought.

How am I feeling about myself right now?

I think I am feeling nutral. I don't feel fantastic but I don't feel crappy either. Where I want to be is close to Fantastic. I will get there. I am working hard on getting there. Next week is going to be great. I am going to start to jog again and working out with Melissa has been the best thing for me. I need to keep my body moving and keep my eating healthy. This will work. It will take a lot of time. But I need to be consistent. I say that all the time to remind myself. Work hard, be consistent and I will start to see results. Hard work feels good, and is so rewarding. I'm keeping it up. I can do this.

Week 1 Day 3

I did an awesome job during the day. Then it was sushi time. I blew it. I was so stuffed I hurt. I was more stuffed then on Thanksgiving dinner. Which isn't hard for me since Thanksgiving dinner isn't my favorite. But Sushi, is divine. I couldn't help myself. Then we went even further and got a great wall of chocolate and pineapple, coconut ice cream. My goodness. What a night. The nice thing about the whole ordeal, I still didn't beat myself up over it. I knew it was going to happen and I knew I would just have to take and immediate Uturn right after. And that is what I have done today. I have stuck to everything. Okay, I had two pieces of licorice. But that's all.
Melissa's words are still resounding in my head. You have to have 100 good days to make a difference. I think I knew how last night was going to end up. Now I'm just worried about tomorrow. I'm still going to consider that my free day. And then pick up the pieces on Friday. It's commitment to the program that's going to make a difference. I am committed. But Life happens. And I am not going to give up everything completely if I can't be me and enjoy life. I do know that this way of eating is so doable, and I love everything. That's why I am so grateful for the Free Day. What a world of difference it's going to make in me.
I'm not feeling to good about myself today though. As I was driving around I looked down and saw total muffin top spilling over my pants. I guess the positive is that it was while I was sitting on not standing. The thing is, these are the moments that discourage the hell out of me. I look down and say what's the use. I throw my hands up and eat 10 cookies. Yikes. When what I should be saying is, work harder, you can do it. If you don't want that muffin top, then keep going, keep working hard, it's the only way you are going to rid yourself of that. Be consistent. That's what I'm going to do. Be consistent, and work hard. Losing weight isn't easy.

Week 1 Day 2

Yesterday was day 1. I thought it went pretty good. There weren't any feelings of huge success or failure. It was just a mediocer day. I did my best to stay away from my normal pit falls. I didn't have one cookie. I did try the batter from my lemon poppy seed muffins. I needed to know how they tasted, and I also ate half a cooked one. But I didn't beat myself up over it either, which is important. When the kids and Brent had Ice Cream, I had none. I went on a walk with Amy. Which is was nice. We were able to talk about her trip to Vegas with Denise and Robin. She had a great time.
My goal with Body for Life is to stick to it for the entire 12 weeks. Having a free day is really going to help me. As I look ahead to this week I have a decision to make. Pioneer Day is on thursday and festivities rain supreme. So do I make that my free day? I think that I should. Then stick to the program over the weekend. The downside to that is that I have to wait a lot longer for another free day. I still think it's the best choice.
This evening I am going out to Sushi with Melissa. I really need to be strict with myself for the entire day. Maybe I could split up my free day. No, bad idea. I never do well with that.
I am on the right path. I am in the right mind set. I am doing awesome with my water consumption. I am doing awesome with my resolve to stop drinking soda. I know this is going to do my body a world of difference. Knowing I can have it when I go out makes it so doable.

My goals for this week:
1. Stick to Body for Life
2. Continue to drink water
3. Exercise 5 times
4. Be positive with myself

Body for Life

Well here I sit. Resolved to do better. It seems as though every night I go to bed I am resolved to be better tomorrow. Wanting to be better. Struggling to be better. The new day arrives and the stresses and pushes and pulls of life get too much for me and I fail. I fall into the same habits and food becomes too strong of a pull on me. A few posts ago I mentioned that I needed an actual program to follow. It's hard for me to pull things out of the air. So I pulled out the Body for Life book. I had success on this program before and it doesn't seem to be as strict as Absolute. One thing that draws me to this program is the Free Day. I really do like the eating program as well. Nothing new. I just need to stick to it to be successful. I can do this for 12 weeks. That's really not long. By then I should have some good habits formed. I wont be following the exercise program to the T. As long as I am moving and doing something with my body I count that as being a success.
It's the "getting to the root" of my weight loss problem that I struggle with. Over all I think I'm pretty happy. I just really struggle with motherhood. Which is my whole life. Feelings of inadequacy and failure run through my mind constantly. Most nights I go to bed wondering what it was that I did wrong. Maybe this is the root. I need to start planting new roots. Most people around me tell me that I am a good mother. That I have good kids. I guess I should start listening to them for my sake and for my family's sake. My children for the most part are happy and healthy. Except for the occasional groan about how life is so unfair about this or that. Isn't that normal though. I thought that growing up too. Kids aren't much different in that respect.
Here is where I need to be my own cheerleader, again. Be positive with myself. Tell myself the truth. I am a good mother. I take really good care of my children. I do the best that I know how and I'm always trying to do better.

Walking and some Serious Talking

Last night I went on a walk and asked Melissa to come along with me. You know, my diet coach. As we were talking of course the conversation came around to me and my weight loss efforts. I realized through this conversation that my desire to change just isn't there. Food still have too strong of a hold on me. At least, I'm not ready to change dramatically and quickly. For me, it's going to be in the small steps that I make every week. Melissa's words were the truth, and they hurt. You look at just one day, and say it's just one day. But you have to have 100 good days to make a difference. She didn't mean to hurt me, she was just giving me the straight up truth. I keep saying I want to change, but I guess I don't really want to because I am in the same spot that I was in several months ago. Why don't I want to change? Why can't I change? What to I have to do to have a strong desire to change? All these questions are so hard for me to answer.

Another thing we talked about was a comment I made last week. My friend now weighs less then I do. I said outloud that I am now the fattest girl on the block. I said this again last night and Melissa asked me how I felt about that sentence. I told her it hurts me. She said that it hurts her too to hear me say something like that. These thoughts and feelings of failure and fattness do not come from my loving Heavenly Father. They come from the Father of all Lies, Satan. Heavenly Father would never let me feel this way about myself. But I am so caught up in the skinny world around me that I am letting it effect every fiber of my being. I am beautiful just the way that I am. That is the truth. I can be better. But the Love I receive from my Heavenly Father is enough.

Time to get serious

I just can't do this on my own. I have to follow a set eating plan. If I don't have an eating plan to follow, I fail. I realize that I need to change my lifestyle and I am continuing to do that. But I need some guidance. I did pretty good today. All I drank was water. At Wal-mart, instead of grabbing a soda bottle, I grabbed a water bottle. Again, that is big for me. Since I am a huge soda drinker. Or should I say, was. Little things like that I am improving upon. But it's the 2pm on hours that kill me!!! I am so great up until lunch. After that, it's all over but the crying and the beating myself up. Right after eating I get a huge craving for something sweet. I mean it's big. Like lion hungry big. But I've just had a good lunch and I go and blow it on something sweet. What can I do? What should I do? I know I need to do something but what? I don't want to deprive myself because I know I will really fail then. I need some major help with this problem. Drinking water isn't the solution either. I've been drinking water and that's just not helping this certain craving. I guess I will turn to the Spark People for a little help.

A new week

My eating was so so over the weekend. I always tend to be free with myself. Saturday was Hannah's birthday and we went to the Smokehouse and I had pizza and a salad. Sunday I ended up eating two small bowls of ice cream.
I find that when I am really angry with my children I tend to run to the kitchen to comfort myself. I need comforting from being a bad mom, from feeling out of control, and feeling down right disappointed. What more can I do to help me past these giant hurtles? I think I've gone to food for such a long time I don't know what else to do to fill that void.
In the past when I have hit this straight on I've tried praying or turn to writing. Maybe this is something I need to turn to again. This mortal life always feels so complicated. Struggling to find the balance between EVERYTHING. From being a good mother, cleaning my home, fulfilling my other duties in the church, being a good wife, neighbor, daughter, sister, friend. There is so much that bombards me everyday of my life. For instance, this week I thought was going to be slow since baseball is all over with. But no. I have to finish projects for the Stake Camp Director that I volunteered to do because I didn't feel as if I was doing enough. Now is the time that the other 150 muffins need to be cooked, I have enrichment, and a ward pool party to go to. And each of those events I have to make dessert. Plus I volunteered to make tamales for Sunday dinner. What am I thinking? I would rather be worrying about what book I am gong to read with my kids. Or what coloring project to do. But if I add those things I will for sure go berserk.
Life move forward. Right now I barely feel as if I am keeping up. I keep thinking things will slow down. But they wont. I am at a time in my life where things are just going to keep speeding up. I have to be at my best to keep up. Caring this extra weight around is not helping me. My back hurts every single day.
So what are my goals going to be for this week?

1. Drink just water
2. Eat a fruit and or veggie with EVERY meal.
3. No ice cream
4 Exercise at least 5 times.
5. Be positive

One good thing

I wish I could say that I had a great day. But I didn't. I did make a few good choices. But others weren't so great. This morning for Breakfast I had peach cobbler oatmeal. What is that you ask? Well, it's oatmeal with a little bit of brown sugar and fresh peaches. And yes, it's the best breakfast ever. I didn't have a morning snack because I wasn't hungry for one. We had lunch at the Reservoir. I had a half peanut butter and honey on whole wheat, some apple, handful of tortilla chips with mango salsa, and a 100 calorie dessert. After that is when it went down hill. I made a good choice when I got the girls ice cream cones. I got a frozen yogurt baby cone, and asked for a cup for water. Which is pretty big for me. I usually will get either a 32 or 40oz diet coke. Now that I think about it, that feels pretty darn good that I made that choice. After that is when it I had a hard time making good choices. I baked Hannah's cake for her birthday and snacked on some of the scraps that I cut off. I had 3 bread sticks and 2 slices of pizza and another 100 calorie dessert. Plus I snacked on a giant tootsie roll while making the cake and pizza. After watching a movie with the kids I had about 1/2 cup of mint chip ice cream.
I could get really upset with myself for all the wrong things that I did today. But instead I am going to congratulate myself on the good choices that I made today. Drinking water instead of soda. Having a healthy breakfast.

Now, what can I do to help myself when I'm eating dinner? Maybe put a piece of gum in my mouth? Have a large cup of ice water there to drink instead? I will try these strategies tomorrow when I am making dinner. I want to continue to progress in my lifestyle. Finding things that will work for me. I don't want to look at today as a failure. Even though everything in me tells me that it was.

Being consistent

If you consistently make the right choices and build healthy habits, weight loss is literally just a matter of time.

This is something I just read from the Sparkpeople website. It's just a matter of time, and this weight will come off. It's just a matter of time and my right choices and healthy habits will be worth the effort. Being consistent is the key. Not beating myself up over a bad choice. I usually spiral into weeks of making several bad choices a day. Like Dr. Oz says, just take the first available U-turn and move forward.

So far, today has been great. I worked out with Melissa and I haven't had one soda. I was even offered a free soda today and I turned it down. Whoa, that's big. Me, turn down a free soda? Unheard of. I must mean business. And I do.

All these small good choices will add up to one great big reward. A happier, healthier, thinner me. That's all I want. And I'm sure along the road, as I pound away at it, I will learn lots of valuable lessons.

Losing

I stepped on the scale this morning and I lost another pound. This proves to me that I can still eat those things that I love in smaller quantities and still lose weight. I don't have to deny myself much of anything. It does make a difference in the main foods that I am choosing.
I talked with my friend Mandy this morning and we discussed weight loss and she is now lighter then I am. I am officially the fattest girl on the block. Sigh. Mandy has been working really hard at it and she deserves all the success that is coming to her. Her success is motivating me to keep going. Even though I am not doing Absolute, I am changing my life. That is what matters most.
This morning for Breakfast I had an egg on toast with fruit and milk. The fruit was Delicious. I love summer for it's fruit. For lunch I am going to have another veggie burger (no bun) with sauted onions and more fruit.
I told myself the other day that I am done with soda as well. It's not good for me as a nursing mother, it's not good for my children. So I am not going to have any. I will allow myself some when I go out to eat and that's it. Again, not denying myself anything. That way I'm not setting myself up for failure.
Melissa thinks I can get down to 189 next week. I'm not so sure about that. I am going to try really hard to lose 1-2 more pounds. I am going to bump up my exercise again, try to work hard in the yard and drink loads more water. Now that baseball is over it should be easy to reach these goals.
Again, change is coming. I am so grateful for change. I am going to be a better me. More positive, more loving and more fit and healthy.

Not so Bad

Today is turning out to be a pretty good day. I spent the whole day baking those amazing coconut banana muffins. I baked 150 of them for Girls' Camp. Tomorrow I get to bake 150 Lemon Poppy seed Muffins. Again, for Girls' Camp.
The only disappointment that I had with my eating today was the 3/4 of a bagel and 1 cup of chocolate milk that I had for breakfast. We had a late start and I was getting light headed in the store. I could feel myself getting cranky and new I had to get something real fast. When I get like that it's really hard to make good decisions. If I was thinking straight I could have opted for a protein bar. Next time hopefully I will remember that. As for lunch I had a black bean veggie burger with sauted onions and a small handful of corn chips and for dessert I had a 100 calorie count chocolate cupcakes. Then I was done. I had a protein shake for a snack at 3:30pm. Now I am going to go make myself a lettuce and chicken version of the pasta salad that I am making for my family.
I want to change. I can feel me consciously making those decisions everyday. Wanting, urning to be better. I know this change is going to be slow. This is not a diet I'm putting myself on. This is a complete lifestyle change. It took me a long time to get like this, without me even knowing it. It's going to take me a while to get where I want to be. But it's going to happen. I know I've said this before. But I feel it in the core of my being, it wants to come out. Change. Change is coming, it's happening right now.

Just keep slipping

I was all geared and ready to be the best I could be yesterday. Then I had to go to a baseball game for Hannah and I didn't have anything in the house that I could bring for myself. So I had some not so good food. Half a white bread sandwich, some doritos and a vanilla sandwich cookie. I've decided that to be successful at changing your lifestyle, you need to have a well stocked pantry and fridge. Which is something that I didn't have yesterday. It makes it hard to make good choices when there is nothing good to choose from.
This morning I couldn't find my mini blender top. I'm sure the kids put it somewhere when they were putting the dishes away. So instead of a protein shake I had Life cereal with fresh strawberries. Yum. I added a little bit of splenda to the strawberries. I don't think this was so bad of a breakfast, but it wasn't the breakfast of champions either.
I suppose this lifestyle change of mine is going to be a slow process. Working hard everyday to consciously make good, better and best choices. I want to change, so that change will come.
In the past I looked at myself and saw some flaws but thought I wasn't that bad looking. Now as I reflect on the size of clothes that I am wearing, and how I look in photos, I know I could be a better me. Better at choosing food, and better at treating myself with respect and love.
I'm glad I am writing all this down. It helps me to keep my focus. It helps me to be positive with me, and to be my own cheerleader.

Diet Coach

Yesterday I asked my good friend Melissa to be my Diet Coach. She is an amazing person who as tremendous knowledge of nutrition and exercise. She told me that I had the power to change my life. I just had to recognize it and use it. I know I want to change my life and I am so close to that change. I can feel it wanting to burst from every fiber of my being. It's just those first few steps that are holding me back. The fear of something? I don't know what it is that I am afraid of.
Losing my relationship with food? Why not change my relationship with food to a healthy and uplifting thing. Rather then a hurtful and regretful. That is why I inlisted Melissa. She has found that balance. She loves food and enjoys it just as much as I do. But she doesn't abuse it or let it control her.

Oh boy, it's been a while

Yes, it has been a while. For a while there I was going strong and thinking I was finally getting my trash together. And then I go and get completely discouraged. Happens, I guess. And with me quite often.
Yesterday something clicked in my brain. I want to be better. I don't want to be treating myself so poorly with food. So I'm not going to anymore. But if I want a stinking little brownie bite after my darn lunch, I'm going to. But I love fruits and veggies and whole grain tortillas and bread. Yummy. I just wish it wasn't so ding dang expensive right now. I feel doubly bad for not even attempting my garden this year. I told a friend of mine that I didn't do a garden this year. Her response was, " Aren't you doing a baby right now?" Yes, I am busy with a baby. And babies are busy little beings.
I feel so much better when I am in control of what I put in my mouth. I realize how important it is to have a food diary. And since I can't find a stinking pen around my house I'll have to start logging it here. All the more incentive to eat better. So here goes, and please stop the gasps right now. I didn't say I had perfected my eating just quite yet!! Sheesh.

Breakfast: 1 cup cottage cheese with 1 beautifully segmented orange

Snack: handful of almonds and sips(okay it was gulps) of diet coke

Lunch: 2 chicken tenders, 2 corn tortillas and a bunch of grapes, nibbles of life crispy squares.

snack: Deli sliced chicken, apple slices, and 3 squares from a tootsie roll, nibbles of life crispy

dinner: slice whole wheat bread w/butter, 1/2 lasagna type dinner(I made it myself), and raspberry jello.

I am still struggling with the nibbling on things. I am still struggling to stick with my certain times to eat. It's normally after lunch that I have this problem. I need to find a way to stop this bad habit. I'm pretty sure it involves water. I need to be drinking water instead of grabbing for something to nibble.

Today I also started to experience the pain in my chest again. Similar to when I was pregnant with Beckham. I know it's all the coke I've been drinking. CRAP!!! I guess I'm just going to have to start taking that out of my daily intake.

Progress

With progress comes all sorts of feelings and emotions. I am working so hard at being just a better me. I haven't written in a while and I find that I don't keep myself in check as much. I have stopped consciously dieting. I get too upset with myself. Even when I find success, it's just not enough. So now I am trying to focus on my good parts. My curves, a good butt, great hair (now that it's starting to grow out again), long fingers. I've found that I've been focusing too much on the negative and that the positives have been left behind in the dust. There's obviously good things about me because I do have friends.
I am going to try harder to write more often. This is so different then my other blog. This one is really for me. To help me be a better me.

10 things that I love about today:

It's finally sunny and warm
I worked out HARD this morning
I made it to Park Days and had some good conversations with other women
Grace is still sleeping
Cub Scouts had to be canceled
My mini rose bushes are blooming
I talked with my sister on the phone
The white whispy clouds against a brilliant blue sky
The cool breeze against my sweaty warm skin
I am having good thoughts about life

My Mii

If you have read my other blog you know that my husband shows his love for me by buying things. Just yesterday in the mail I got my new gift, a Wii Fit game. I was and still am excited about being able to do yoga and strength training!!! But the one thing I HATE, and I don't like using the work hate because it is such a STRONG word, is that the game calls me names!!! Yes, it does!!! As I stood on the balancing board and waited for the stupid thing to weigh me and figure out my BMI my skinny Mii quickly morphed into a FAT Mii and the game proceeded to tell me that I am obese!! Yes, OBESE, stop calling me names!!!!! Yes, I am caring a few, okay maybe more then a few, extra pounds. But I don't believe that I am OBESE!!! When I think of the word obese I think of someone hulled up in their home and can't get up off the coach and walk into the kitchen for a drink of water!!! That's obese. I'm NOT obese, I don't care what that stupid balance board says!!! Yes, I am OVERWEIGHT, but not obese. So after establishing my condition we proceeded to set some goals. Which is pretty cool. I let you know how long it takes for me Not to be that nasty word that I know hate so badly.

Watching Others

It is so hard to watch others succeed at what you can not. It's hard watching other Mom's who have just had babies look skinny again. It's hard to watch your life pass by waiting to attain something that might not be meant for you. So I no longer am going to watch, other people that is. I am going to watch myself, the good, the progress, and the disappointments. There will always be disappointment. Dang, I need to get that new pair of capris and soon.

Random Thoughts

Lately I have made a point to watch Oprah. Tragic as it may be, sometimes she actually has good segments. The last few episodes have been on weight and accepting yourself for who you are. The episode this past friday was about feeling good about yourself Naked. Yes, naked. As these brave women bared it all to millions of people I realized something, I look just like them. I have a body that is not perfect, but it is beautiful. My body has been strong enough to bare 6 children and then even stronger to take care of them. Yes, baring these children has taken it's toll on me. My stomach will never be washboard tight, not that it ever was. My boob will never be perky and saluting the sun as it comes up in the morning. But my stretched marked stomach gave life My now sagging and constantly expanding and draining breast still sustain life. Which is so much more important then me being a size 6. Sure it would be nice, but that wont bring me happiness.
So I am taking the steps to accept myself for who I am at this very moment. A lactating mother of 6, who has the curves to prove it. I am going to go out and purchase clothing that accentuates all my gorgeous curves. Yes, I do fit into clothing that I had before Grace, but their just a little bit too tight and I want something that makes me feel GREAT. I really truly believe that if you feel good in your clothing, you feel GREAT about yourself. And when you feel GREAT about yourself you treat yourself so much better. And besides, summer is starting, I need that boost to get me going.

Reflection

As I sat waiting for my computer to get started I noticed my reflection in the screen. I realized how my muffin top is accentuated when I sit down. No matter how tall I try to make myself, there it is, oozing over the top of my jeans. This is motivation enough to continue to eat all my vegetables and exercise everyday.

I thought today was a successful day. Although it wasn't perfect. I felt like I did my best. I read some of the Ensign, I worked out and I did cleaning until the kids got home from school. Nothing big, just little organizing here, and putting clothes away there. I had a cookie after my lunch, and a cookie after my dinner. I had all the right snacks and meals. This is how I can live for the rest of my life. And if that means being at a size 16 forever, then so be it. My life was in balance today, and it felt good.

I continue to Pound

It was my goal this week to not miss a day of exercise. I worked out twice with my friend Melissa and thanks to her I am sore all over. It's a great feeling. Monday and Wednesday I took Beckham and Grace out in the double jogger. I'm trying so hard to not letting my excuse a a busy mother get in the way of my work outs.
I am still struggling with the food part of my lifestyle change. I keep reminding myself that these bad habits weren't formed over night and they aren't going to be resolved over night. I am taking small steps everyday to improve my life. I am still doing so much better then I was doing right after Grace was born. Some how I manage to keep having set back after set back, and it's frustrating. I realize that I'm not going to be perfect at this losing weight thing. One positive thing is that I haven't gained anything back. From my meesley 6 lbs. UGH.
Even though Mandy isn't posting she continues to lose weight. I am so envious of her. I feel as if my worst fear has been confirmed. Even spending x amount of money each month I still can't manage to lose weight. I feel as if I am doomed to be at this weight for the rest of my life.
I know the people around me love me for who I am. That is comforting. But it's not enough for me.
This week I am setting a goal to lose 2 lbs. I will exercise at least 5 days this week. And instead of following Absolute, I am going to go back to Body for Life. That is something that I know I can stick to for the rest of my life. And you get a free day where you can eat what ever the heck you want. Which will be GREAT for me.
I'm trying not to let my disappointment get me down, but it's hard. I was hoping that by getting my priorities straight, I would feel better. I do somewhat. I guess I will continue to pound the pavement of life. Pound out my bad thoughts, pound away my bad feelings and pound away the pounds.

Amazing Friends

I have 1 minute before I run out the door to Kindergarten graduation (don't tell my kids but it's a pretty silly tradition) and I just wanted to say how AMAZING you guys are (plus I had to post or Amberlyn was going to revoke my invitation).

Your words lift me up and inspire me. Your thoughts and words of encouragement keep me going in this crazy world. Your strength as women; as moms, as wives, as Daughter of God is absolutely incredible. I could not live without you. Well, I could probably survive but I would be a shell of a human being. You buoy me up by just being you. Have a great day and know that I think about you often. And know that you all are truly AMAZING!

Concern for the One

There are so many wonderful talks in this Conference addition of the Ensign. Right now the one talk that has stuck out in my mind is titled... Concern for the One by Joseph B. Wirthlin. This talk is wonderful. Here are a few of my favorite parts:

" Even when you feel that your strength can add little, the Church needs you. The Lord needs you. Remember that the Lord often chooses ""week things of the world "" to accomplish His purpose."

If anyone has felt weak in their ability, it has been me. But I know that I am not alone in these feelings. How comforting to know that the Lord still needs us in our weakness. And that our Best is good enough for Him.

"Except for the Lord, we have all made mistakes. The question is not whether we will trip and fall but, rather, how will we respond?"
"The Lord knows we will make mistakes. That is shy He suffered for our sins. He wants us to get back on our feet ans strive to do better. There is joy in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents."

What comforting words. We will make mistakes, and the Lord knows that. That is why we have repentance. Even for the little things that make us fall flat on our faces. Like this morning, when I was the worst mother to Isabel. She had just pushed way too many of my buttons and evening counting to 10 wasn't working. I feel horrible for the way that I have treated her. But I can go to her and apologize and ask for forgiveness. Then ask the Lord for his forgiveness and help to not do it again.
Life is a learning process and I am learning so much by being the Mother to Isabel.

And in response to spiritual gifts, here is a quote for that too...

"In truth, things of the Spirit are revealed by the Spirit."

This was a GREAT talk.

A-HA, You Silly

So, I had a little a-ha moment in Relief Society on Sunday.

We were discussing prayer and personal revelation and I got to thinking about how I receive personal revelation.

Well, as I have struggled with this and really gone through a difficult trial of my faith, I came away with the answer that most often, I receive answers to my prayers when I read my scriptures and other church materials.

So, the silly part was that I had forgotten this!

HELLO.

How do you have a prolonged trial of your faith, come out the other side much, much better, and then forget the results?

It wasn't that I had really forgotten it, but I certainly hadn't been thinking about it very much, and the a-ha moment really came when I realized that I wasn't going to get answers to my prayers unless I was doing the things that help me to get answers.

I told you it was a silly a-ha.

But this is the thing. However it is that you get revelation, and granted there are a ton of ways...and I do get revelation in other ways, but my main way is through reading...well, if you want to maximize your chances for this revelation, and your opportunities to feel the spirit and the Lord directing your life, then you have to do whatever thing it is that helps you stay close to the Lord.

Again, so silly. But, at the same time, it provided me with huge motivation to get off my butt and get going. And so what did I do, I opened the Ensign and started reading. And what did I find? The very first talk (after the solemn assembly) was by Russell M. Nelson.

And why is this significant? Because my patriarchal blessing tells me that I should pay particular attention to whatever Elder Nelson says (BTW, I know this is weird, and I am the only person I know to get this specific of counsel, but apparently I need it.)

Anyways, so I know the Lord is thinking of me. And probably glad that I finally did something.

So, do something...and let me know how it goes!

There's always Hope

Yesterday in the mail I received a book that I ordered. It came at just the right time. The title of the book is Finding the Angel Within, Spirituality, Body Image, and Self-Worth. It is by the same author that wrote Running with Angels. I never read that book, but heard her talking about this new one on KSL. I knew I had to read it.
I know that I am at a cross roads in my life. And one of the reasons for starting this blog is so that I wouldn't have to do it alone. Here is a quote from the book, "It can be downright scary to share of ourselves, and we often feel vulnerable to the judgments of others. But there is a real power in sharing and in feeling the support of other people." She further states, " Just to know there are those who will stop along the way with us and carry some of the load can be a tremendous relief." I have felt many of you stop along the way with me, supporting me, helping me, and loving me. I want to do the same for you. I want us to be there for each other in happiest, shinningest moments and in our deepest, darkest times as well. I want us to feel safe, and supported.
Life is hard and we weren't meant to go it alone. The Lord has sent us to each other to help in ways only He knows we can. I am so grateful for all the encouragement and love that I have received.
Let's continue to pound the pavement together.

Major Discouragment

I haven't yet been able to pick myself up again. I am trying so darn hard, and it's just not enough.

No, I haven't been reading my scriptures. No, I haven't been praying. Can these things effect my day this much?

Where do you find the strength to pick your self up again?

I hate beating a dead Horse.

It has to be in the simple things. But why are the simple things so HARD to follow through with?

Spiritual Gifts

So we talked about spiritual gifts on Sunday but the lesson was focused on things like speaking in tounges and raising the dead...worthy gifts, but not ones that I am really in need of at this point in my life.

What I wished we had talked about was more practical spiritual gifts and how we find and cultivate those gifts in our own lives.

And what I kept coming back to, time and time again, was that the spiritual gifts that I need in my life, and that would do the most good, are the little things that might not even seem like gifts to other people.

I need to know who I am. I need to know that Heavenly Father loves me and values me as a daughter. I don't have an easy realtionship with my earthly father. I love him and he loves me, but we don't talk, and I don't turn to him when I need advice or counsel. I wish I did. But what I am realizing is that this relationship has affected the one I have with my Heavenly Father. So, I don't turn to him and seek His advice like I should.

So, there's another gift. The gift of prayer and getting answers to prayers. I have to say that I have made great strides in this area of my life and am really starting to recognize the spirit and the Lord's hand in my life, but it takes a lot of work for me to see it!

I think another gift that I could really use is balance. I am an all or nothing kind of person. I am hot or I am cold, but never warm! So when I do something, I do it with all I have and give all I've got, otherwise I just don't do it.

Well, that's all well and good, but there are a lot of things in life that require moderation, and most things are good, in small doses. But I don't know how to do that yet.

So, I guess what I am saying is that when we look for our spiritual gifts we shouldn't overlook the little ones. I think it is the little things that help us get where we are supposed to go, or keep us from ever getting there at all.

So how do we seek these things? How do we find them in ourselves? How do we know? How do you know?

A Challenge

So Denise just challenged me to read the Conference Edition of the Ensign from Cover to Cover. I am taking this challenge on. I really do feel as if my spiritual life is in balance then the rest of my life will fall into place. Food wont be so overwhelming, my desire and finding time to exercise will increase. I know I will be more patient with my husband and children. And don't we all need more patience?
This is something that I have NEVER done!!! Sure I've read my favorite talks maybe once. But never have I read it cover to cover. I am actually really excited about the things I am going to learn from each talk. I am ready. I have my own copy and I am planning on highlighting the heck out of it.
For all of you who have found this blog, and enjoy it. I challenge you to take on Denise's challenge to me. Read the Ensign from cover to cover. See how it effects your life.

Craving a Healthy Life

My sister invited me to be a contributor to this blog and I'm happy for the opportunity. I'm not struggling with weight issues at the moment and for the first time in my life I can eat whatever I want and continue to lose weight...thanks to the amazing miracle of my nursing body. During my pregnancy I gained 80 pounds due to a nasty case of preeclampsia, 40 of which were gained in the last month of my 35 week pregnancy. I felt wretched and was so swollen that I could barely move. Walking up and down steps required me to take one step at a time because my ankles and knees (basically the essential joints for movement) were so swollen that they had lost most of their function. My body felt ugly and other than the cheerful and delightful movement of two healthy babies--my body was an ill fitting and uncomfortable stranger.

Two weeks after delivering my beautiful boys I lost 70 pounds. I was astonished and amazed but soo grateful. Eight months after delivery I have lost nearly 100 pounds. I am much thinner than before getting pregnant but my body is flabbier and much less toned. I have taken for granted how hard my body works to create food to sustain two healthy lives that I eat with abandon and exercise, well, NEVER. I need to establish a healthier eating pattern NOW before I stop nursing and most likely suffer the revenge of a normal person's metabolism.

I need to join my sister in her effort to make wiser diet decisions and ultimately lead a healthier, more moderate life. I don't want to entirely give up sweets or carbs but I need to truly exercise the principle of moderation: if I eat one indulgent meal, scale back the others or walk an extra 15 minutes. My children deserve an active mother who can keep up with them and share in their physical explorations of the world.

As much I love eating junky junk food every day...I crave a healthier diet and the motivation to have one. So, Amberlyn, I pledge my commitment to you and to a healthier diet. After I finish today's batch of peanut m&ms, I commit to taking the huge and necessary step of not buying candy. No more wasted money on bags of candy at Target.

More of the Same -- BLAH

Now that my sister is gone and Mother's Day is over with I am struggling to get back into the swing of things. I feel the vicious cycle of failure starting to rear it's ugly head. While my sister was here I didn't do much studying or reading in the scriptures. I really feel like that makes a difference. But it's not just that. I am constantly behind on my house work as well. I feel like I am drowning in laundry, my kitchen floor needs to be mopped, my bedroom has piles of clean clothes that need to be put away, and I don't feel like I can get any of it done. Maybe if I'd stop blogging I could get a little more done. There has to be balance though. I know that ultimately everything boils down to this.
I thought Monday was going to be magical and things would be back to normal. But they're not. How do I get back the same excitement that I had just 2 weeks ago? How do I get back my self motivation? I know what the answer is. I think?
What do you do when you lose some of that spark that you had in the beginning? What do you do to get motivated again? I need some suggestions.

Nothing Gained, Nothing Lost

I was so nervous going into my weigh in today. After all, I pretty much had an eating frenzy while my sister was here. I am so happy to report that I am exactly the same as last week. What a huge relief. It's back to the grind again on Monday. I am going to enjoy myself on Mother's day. I have been craving french toast with fresh strawberries and cool whip.
I love Monday's for starting anew. I can never start something in the middle of the week. Just a little quirk about myself.

Pounding the Pavement

Yesterday despite the rainy weather I decided to go for a walk/jog. I warmed up and then started jogging. I had a certain goal to meet. But as I felt the pounding in my ears from my heavy foot steps I realized that I needed to challenge myself. My foot steps weren't the only thing pounding in my ears. I could once again hear my rear end screaming at me as I felt it's heaviness jiggle up and down, up and down, Ba-bam, ba-bam, ba-bam. I was certain that I was having a thrown down with my large butt, and come hell or high water I was going to win. And I did. I jogged for a full mile without stopping. Compared to runners, this is nothing. But for me, that was such a great feeling. And an even better feeling as I sat on my bedroom floor and felt my face, arms and legs tingle and my veins pump from my quickly flowing blood. I felt alive and accomplished.
During my run I thought about many different things. I compared the pounding of the pavement to life. Not only am I pounding my way to a thinner me, but I am pounding the spiritual pavement as well. Striving to figure out who I am in God's plan, strengthening my testimony, my relationships, and love for myself. I am pounding the motherhood pavement as well. Striving to be a more devoted mother giving of my time to my children. Living With my children instead of By them. EMBRACING motherhood and finding true joy.

The Good and The Bad

I didn't have time last Friday to post about my weigh in. I lost just over another pound. Yeah for me. Then, the bad... My sister came into town and I have been disregarding any type of eating program. My sister and I are so into culinary fun that it's been hard. I didn't think it was going to be hard, but let's just say I've found a few new places to eat lunch. So that's the bad news.
The good news is, I reached one of my goals. By the time that Grace was blessed I wanted to be able to fit back into the cutest tweed skirt that I have. Well, I fit into it and wore it this past Sunday. And this morning I tried on some pre-pregnancy pants and capri's and was able to fit into them. Just a little muffin top going on, but not too bad. I'm actually wearing the capris. For having an eating frenzy while my sister is here, I'm still doing pretty good.
I'm looking forward to getting back into the swing of things. I am really looking forward to exercising and really getting into this losing weight gig. It's fun and exciting. Sometimes slow going, but so worth the hard work.

Ho Hum

Well I haven't written in a few days. I have been trying really hard to be positive with myself as you know. I was so excited about my 2lb loss and then we had to go and take Damn family pictures. I looked at those photos and all my good thoughts went directly down the toilet.

Why does weight loss have to be so difficult?

Why are positive thoughts so hard to keep in your head?

Why does food have to be so tempting?

Why does my butt have to jiggle so much when I run?

Why does my front butt scream " look at me, I'm never leaving" when i look in the mirror?

Why does my back fat scream " I'm your second set of breast" when I look in the mirror?

Why? Why? Why? Why?

It makes me want to CRY and SCREAM and PULL MY HAIR OUT~~~~~

Milk and Muscle

This whole week I have been so discourage by my progress. I started exercising which is so GREAT!!! I love exercising. But I when I stepped on the scale at home I had gained back 3 lbs. Blah, that is so frustrating. I have stuck to the eating almost to the T. I knew for sure when I stepped on the scale today that I was going to gain at least 2lbs. Between muscle gain from exercising and extra milk in my breasteses (Grace was suppose to eat in 15 minutes) it was a for sure thing!!! Mandy weighed before me and she totally took her pants off!!! I thought she was crazy!!! But I could hear her excitement. I thought to myself, " I'm going to need all the help I can get. I'm dropping my drawers." Mandy is so great. She never tells me how much she's lost until after I weigh in. But I knew from her reaction that she had a good week.
I stepped into the room and I could feel the weight of my disappointment on my shoulders. That in itself could have weighed 5 lbs. You have no idea my DELIGHT when I stepped on the scale and waited for the number to stop (If you've ever watched The Biggest Loser and they step on that ridiculously large scale and the number goes up and down, up and down and it feels like FOREVER for it to come to a stop, this is how it felt). When it finally stopped, I had lost 2.2 lbs!!!! YEAH FOR ME!!!!!!! When I got back to the waiting room I did a "raise your hands if your Sure" jump!!! I was so excited about 2.2 lbs. I feel so great about myself. All my hard work is paying off!!! YIPEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It feels so good to finally have that sticking scale register more then a measley 1.and whatever lbs. Yes, I know a loss is a loss. But dang, this feels good!!!!
Big pat on my back, I deserve it.

On a spiritual note.

I started putting myself first by studying my scriptures, before I do anything else. You know how I am an instant gratification kind of girl. Well, this brought instant results in how my days went and how I felt about myself. And maybe it's just a placebo kind of an effect. But I like to give the praise to H.F. He knows I am trying and I KNOW he is blessing me for my honest efforts. I wrote in my journal after my last post and realized that if I do this, and put the Lord first I AM putting myself first. All my other relationships and concerns will fall into place. My relationship with myself, my Husband and my children have been better. The husband part still needs some work. But I feel as if I continue to change for the better, he will recognize this and will begin to change along with me. Nothing is more attractive then a confident, loving Woman. And that is what I am ultimately striving for, Confidence and unconditional Love for myself and my family.

Confession #2

Why is it so hard to be kind and gentle with yourself? Yesterday I did great. Except that I had a slice of frozen cookie dough after lunch and dinner. I have been so good at not feeling guilty about my indulgences. Then I stepped on the scale this morning, which I told myself I wasn't going to, and was so disappointed by what it said. I have been trying so hard to be positive and happy with myself. It's not hard for me to tell Mandy " Great Job". When she told me she had just a bite of mashed potatoes last Sunday I told her it was no big deal. Especially if that's all she had. That is amazing to go all Sunday and have just a bite of potatoes. Why can't I do this for myself? Why is it that we are so hard and hurtful to our own beings? Now I feel like I have just sabotaged myself by having the cookie dough. I'm finding it hard to take an immediate U-turn. I feel as if I have no self control and thoughts of me being a failure are starting to creep in. I need to continually remind myself that this IS NOT EASY!!! It would be worse for me to throw my hands up in the air and yell "SCREW THIS". I am stronger than that. Why can't I tell myself that. Why can't I tell myself that I am doing a good job? Why do I always look at all my failures and weaknesses? The buck stops here. I am a good person. I am doing a GREAT job. I have cut out so many bad things in my diet that I am so proud of. I exercised twice yesterday and once already this morning. I can and will be successful at this program.

Monday Regrets?

Sunday's are always so stinking hard for me. Just like Mandy described. As I look to the past and my eating habits on Sunday's I think I still did pretty good. The only time I had trouble was at my Mom's and at the Christensen's. I ate lasagna and garlic bread and had some strawberry shortcake and several bites of this amazing chocolate crostata. Then I had some peach cobbler and a little bit of Ice Cream. But I don't feel guilty about any of it. I love the Body for Life theory of 1 free day. So that's what I considered this to be. I allowed for those indulgences and I really feel like I will stick to the diet so much better this week. It's amazing how so much of this eating stuff is mental and emotional. It felt good to eat those foods without guilt.
This week I am really going to concentrate on exercise. I really want to get in 2 small sessions of aerobics if possible. I know this will help with my jiggles and weight loss. If only it would warm up. It's so hard to take a baby out into the bitter Spanish Fork wind. So I just don't. I am craving warmer weather.

10 Pounds Later

Amberlyn has been bugging me to post my weigh- ins. I didn't want to post the first one because I knew how discouraged she was and I didn't want to remind her of my weigh-in. She's the one who started the blog and was nice enough to include me that I didn't want to toot my horn louder than hers.

As her and I are discovering... this is a process. And it's one that is taking us different places. We are different people so of course, our weight loss experiences are going to be different. The most important thing is for us to support each other. So I'll catch up on my progress.

At the first week weigh in I lost 9 pounds! I was so excited! I know this is because of the 3-day fast start that I was able to do. (Amberlyn couldn't do it because she is nursing and the lack of carbs could deplete her milk supply). The first week, it was also very easy for me to stick to the program. I think this was because of the appetite suppressant.

On Friday, I lost 1 more pound. I would have guessed it to be more like 4 or 5 because of the way my clothes were fitting but I was okay with 1. That makes 10 pounds in 2 weeks. Not bad. The coach said my first week weigh in was due to the fast start.

All in all, I'm pretty excited. Although it's not as easy to stick to the program anymore now that my body is used to the medication. My hardest day is Sunday because I'm home all day with everyone else and there is a lot more idle time. It seems to be the only day where I really crave sugar and fattening foods.

So there's my update. I'm trying to stay pretty positive. I think both of us are doing great. This weight didn't get there in one month so it's obviously not coming off in one month. Amberlyn is right: Slow and steady wins the race.

2 Weigh-In

Well, I lost another 1.4lbs. This was somewhat disappointing and discouraging to me. I have been doing so well on the program and sticking to it almost perfectly. But a loss is a loss. Slow and steady always wins the race. The woman at the clinic try to encourage me to focus on how my clothes are fitting, and not the scale. So this morning I tried on a pair of pants. Before I started the program I could barely get them up over my butt and button them up. I had some MAJOR muffin top action going on. This morning, they slid on easily and I could button them up. They were still a little snug. But SWEET, they fit so much better. Maybe I am having some success after all.
Considering this was spring break for my kids, I did really really well. The only thing that I splurged on was a bag and half of m&m's. One bag was when I was feeling guilty about my true feelings of motherhood. I just had to have something. But the amazing thing about it, is I moved on. I had the candy, didn't feel guilty about it, and ate sensibly for the rest of the day. When in the past I would have immediately said "screw this", and binged for the remainder of the week or maybe even two weeks. And then I had a tiny handful of m&m's when the kids were having them. Again, didn't beat myself up over it like I have in the past. This is a huge step for me to take. Knowing that I am not going to be perfect on my way to losing weight. And allowing myself to make mistakes has been the biggest gift I could give myself.

Spiritual Light Bulb

In my studying of the 2007 General Conference Ensign I had a light bulb moment. I realized that one of my purposes to come to this earth was to be a mother. You might think, duh Amberlyn that's kind of obvious. But I came to realize that I have been fighting this, hoping that I had a greater calling. This is what I wrote down:

I should embrace this calling and stop fighting it. The sooner I embrace this, the sonner I can be happy. The phrase, " Just being a mother" seems to put this honored calling down. I'm not JUST a mother. I AM AN HONORED MOTHER, with unique talents and abilities given to me to raise these specific children. I need to recognize and polish these talents so I can further bless the lives of my children.

This may seem so simple, but for me it was huge. I don't think I've truly embraced my calling as a mother. That I can influence my children so much. I haven't been happy as a mother. Which is such a sad realization. The sooner I embrace my calling as a mother, the sooner I can be truly happy. This to me, is extremely powerful, and an answer to pray.

Biggest Loser

The food is starting to really get boring on this program. I quickly getting tired of it. I need to find some exciting ways to cook meat and veggies. Since I love to cook this shouldn't be a problem. But I'm also finding that I'm still hungry an hour to 2 hours after eating. Like last night, my stomach was aching for something to eat and it'd only been 1.5 hrs since I ate dinner. Grace was done eating so I decided to go for a walk. Brent looked at me like I was crazy because it was snowing outside. I insisted on going and told him that if I didn't go exercise I'd never lose this weight. I did the 20 minute aerobic solution from Body for Life. I found myself jogging a little bit too. It felt great to be out in the cold and have that tingling sensation that comes after a good walk/jog. I look forward to it again this evening. I was hoping my hunger pains would go away, but they didn't. Luckily I had American Idol to distract me for a little bit.
I also got caught up watching the Season Finale of The Biggest Loser. In my past attempts to lose weight, I would have said screw it. Nothing is worth denying myself some ice cream. Not last night. I grabbed a yogurt and some almonds. And instead of being discouraged by what I was watching, it made me more resolved to stick with this program. And for the first time in 5 seasons, a woman won. She lost 112 lbs or something ridiculous like that. Every time I watch I am amazed at the change their bodies go through. And more then that, where does all that fat go? I mean, their loss could be an entire other person . Is it thrown out there in the universe waiting for someone like me to absorb that extra weight? These people took up so much space and now they take up 40% less space. It's amazing to me. I too, will join these losers. It will probably take me longer since I'm not in the gym 3-4 hrs a day. But every week, I'm throwing some of my fat into the vast universe hoping that it never returns.

Icre Cream or Diet Coke

I have survived the first day of Spring Break. Yeah for me. We took lunch with us and ate at my Mom's work. I didn't have one chip. And chips are so tempting to me. After that I took the kids to BYU. After, what seems like our 100th trip, to the Bean Museum we walked to the Book Store. It was smoking hot outside, 79 degrees!!! The kids requested Ice Cream Cones. We stood in a long line and all of the kids picked out their fav. flavors and I opted for a Caffine(again, winner for being the worse speller) free Diet Coke. Ice Cream is another of my favorite foods. I love the cold, creamy texture along with the crunch of either chocolate chips or nuts. Yum. But I didn't give in to my temptation. I gulped down my Coke while the kids reveled in their cold treat.
What great success I've had today. The only disappointment was that my salsa for my salad was only sub-par. I will have to do something with it tomorrow.
My attitude is so different this time. I can feel it in my gut. I think I am afraid of being left behind, eating Mandy's dust. I really don't want to look at this like a competition, because IT IS NOT. But man, I feel the pressure. I guess it's a really good thing too. Keeps me super motivated.

Dreaded Weekend!!!

I thought I did really good yesterday for my Anniversary. We went to Chili's for lunch. I am going to do this in checklist form.

All good decisions:
Protein Shake for breakfast
Fajitas at Chili's/ no cheese, and no tortillas!!! (this was awesome!!!)
yogurt for a snack--

Not so good decisions:
Dessert at chili's
Chips and salsa at Chili's
2 cookies at Donna's
2 slices of cold pizza for dinner

So my bad choices really outweigh my good choices for Saturday. Blah!!! But it was my anniversary and I was allowing for some freedom. I really wanted the dessert at Chili's. It was this molten white chocolate cake with rasberry sauce. I had had it a couple weeks before and just couldn't resist. Although, Brent didn't share with me. He got his own dessert and I ate only about half. And as for the pizza, I hadn't eaten since lunch which was 11:30 and we didn't get home until 5:30pm. So I was way too hungry to think rationally. And of course I used the excuse of my anniversary and lunch to justify the pizza. I asked Brent if he would go to the store to get some ice cream. He said, " No, I'm not going to help ruin all your hard work this week." He's right. Why sabotage all my hard work.

Sunday's are really hard for me too. But I started out so great. I had a great breakfast. I even brought my snack to church with me and ate it during sacrament meeting so I could make right choices when church was over. Well, this is why this is being posted right not. I really needed something crunchy. I had eaten all my almonds and there was a Chex turtle mix in the pantry. I grabbed a handful and ate it. Then I went back for a few more caramel covered chex. So to stop , I've removed myself from the kitchen and turned to blogging. This is after happy thoughts in church. I really felt like this was my time to succeed. My time to finally take off this weight and keep it off. My time to be Queen over food, and not let it rule me. My time to finally feel good about me. I am proud of myself for stopping. For removing myself from the temptation and doing something with my hands. I truly do feel like this is going to be it. I knew I was going to make mistakes, but I didn't realize they'd be so often. But I am truly grateful for letting go of cookies and cakes and chips and muffins out of my daily life. I am truly on a path to better eating.
After doing this for about a week, it's not as bad as my first fears were. I'm pretty sure it's all in my attitude. I am thinking more creatively on how to prepare my food so it's still pleasing to my palate. This week I am going to experiment with marinades!!! YUM!!! I'm fairly confident this is the reason the meat in my fajitas was so good. No reason why healthy food has to be BLAH!!

I feel better already. I'm ready to face the kitchen and anything that starts screaming at me.

First Weigh-In

Today was my first weigh in. I have to tell you that I wanted this to be an amazing experience. I was hoping to step on the scale and 4-5lbs miraculously disappear. I wanted to have that feeling of, " Yeah, this is sooo working for me." But not so. I am happy to report that I lost 1.6lbs, it just wasn't what I was hoping for. The woman at the clinic was so encouraging though(as she should be). She told me that it really does help to take the appetite supresant, which I can't because I'm nursing. And it is going to be harder for me to lose because I am nursing. And she told me that a loss is a loss. Which is true. That's all I want to happen. The small numbers will add up to big numbers, simple math. I went to the clinic with Mandy (for moral support--both ways). She better blog about her experience or I'm going to beat down her door!!!!
Again, I need to give this some time, like Jessica said . It's only been 4.5 freaking days. Take a chill pill Amberlyn. And Denise is right. This is more about a journey that I never thought I would be on. And losing weight along the way is probably going to be a perk. I am so grateful for this blog. I was telling Mandy that I really do think this is helping me in so many different ways. I am being truthful about my mistakes, owning up to my feelings, taking responsibility, and most importantly, being capable of letting go of my mistakes. Which is the one major thing that I haven't been able to do in the past. It is very liberating in many ways, letting go.
I look forward to next week. Not so excited about the weekend. Weekends are always so difficult for me. That's when the ice cream starts screaming at me from the freezer. And everyone wants some kind of dessert after dinner on Sunday. This is when I crave the free day of the Body for Life program. But to make things worse, tomorrow is my anniversary. That's not a bad thing, we'll be celebrating 12 yrs. of marriage. It's sticking to this program, and still wanting to have fun and do what ever. I know I'll do great. I just need to bring healthy snacks and just enjoy myself. And if I don't stick to the program, it's okay, it's only for one meal. And I can always take an immediate U-turn.

Bring it!!!

Last night as Brent and I were going downstairs to watch The Office and Survivor, he pulls out a bag of popcorn and proceeds to pop it. Let me tell you, the smell of popcorn at night is mind numbing!!! Especially when your use to eating popcorn at night WITH a bowl of ice cream!!! Before I started Absolute I think I was eating a bowl of ice cream every other night. YIKES. I am happy to say that I didn't even have 1 kernal of popcorn. Instead, I sucked on a sugar/carb free peppermint life savor.
I realize that it has only been 4 days. As strict as this diet it, and as much crap that I have been cutting out, I haven't seen much results. That is so disappointing. I haven't touched (aside from the stupid banana muffin) any bread, cookies, cupcakes, chips (which I LOVE at lunch with my sandwiches), gummy snacks, ice cream. The list could go on. In talking with my Aunt last night and the reminder that I am from the Edwards(my Mom's family) gene pool, I'm probably eating too much fruit. The body doesn't know the difference between sugar from a cookie, or sugar from a piece of fruit. But fruit is how I have been getting my carbs in. And honestly, fruit has been my saving grace. I will see how things go at my weigh in today. I am probably going to have to incorporate more cooked veggies as a carb, rather then the fruit. Sigh.... But I feel a commitment to this that I haven't felt in past attempts. I am determined to have this work. And I guess that's why it's so frustrating. DRAT my crappy genes!!!

Damn those Banana Coconut Muffins

Yesterday I was doing great. Then I decided to do something fun with the girls. I had a bunch of black bananas on the counter and they love to cook with me. So hey, why not make muffins. Well I should have picked a yucky recipe. I ended up having one of these delicious delights. Even after my success from the night before. DRAT!!!!!
I do have to say though, this morning I didn't even go near them. There was 1 and half left in the bag and I ended up just throwing them away. Beckham wasn't going to eat them and i just couldn't have their coconut faces looking up at me tempting me every time I walked by. So in the garbage they went. Another crisis averted. Last night I was stressing about it. That is where I begin to fail. I left my bad choice behind me, made an immediate U-turn and started over again this morning.
And I just had to include a picture of my salad. It looked resturaunt worthy. I think anyone not on a diet could eat this delictable salad. It was GOOD!!!!! On bottom was a bed of red leaf lettuce sprinkled with a little bit of cheddar and pepper jack cheese, on top was slices of perfectly roasted chicken drizzled slightly with a light Ranch dressing and topped with my amazing salsa. I am tempting to make another salsa to go ontop of my chicken consisting of mango, pineapple and jicama(for crunch). Hopefully I find more success.

Cinnamon Bears and Chocolate Covered Raisins

Last night I attended a Stake Camp meeting. I was asked to be on the comity to help with the food. When we arrived I saw a spread of several bowls filled with different snack choices. Not one of which I am allowed to have. One of them was my favorite, cinnamon bears. The other treats consisted of chocolate covered raisins, pretzels, and baby carrots. I am so happy to say that I didn't touch one item. I didn't let a cinnamon bear even pass over these lips. Although I really wanted to. I am giving myself a huge pat on the back for this.
I am finding success with the food. This time around it hasn't been as difficult. Yes, it's only been two days. But I realized that I need to stick with things that taste good to me and make me happy. So yesterday, I bagged the salad. I went to the store and bought some items to make a kick-a salsa. It was so good!!!! I can't wait to have it again today. And I don't even miss the chips. Okay, maybe I do a little bit. I am going to have to just get creative I've decided. I'm a good cook, I can make things new and exciting. This particular salsa that I made was great with the left over roast from Sunday. Next I'm going to do a Mango/Pineapple salsa to go with Chicken and fish. YUM!!!!

Instant Gratification

I am the kind of person that likes instant gratification. Another reason why I think weight loss has been so hard for me. If I don't see results right away I say to my self, "what's the use, might as well go back to my old ways this obviously isn't working for me" I really need to kick this attitude. Weight loss is one of the hardest things for people in general to do. It's up there with quiting smoking and drug re-hab. So of course this is going to take some time, some major effort, and me enduring to the end.
This same attitude is getting in the way of my "getting-to-know-who-I-am" process injunction with the Lord. I know what I am suppose to do and I have received several promptings on the direction I should take. But it still seems so daunting, and overwhelming. I feel like the research and studying that I am doing is leading me no where. Like the spiritual gifts, all the scriptures that I've read already list the SAME spiritual gifts. And there's not too many articles on the subject either. And the one prompting that keeps coming to me is pray about it. Everything that I need help with is encircled around prayer. The one thing that I have the least amount of faith in. So I guess I get on my knees morning, noon, and night and hope that I am sensitive enough to the spirit to heed the promptings that will answer my questions and concerns. Again, this is not instant gratification. The Lord answers in his own due time. I guess there are a lot of lessons that are to be learned through this journey.

Whoa! Wait for me!

I only have a few minutes but have so much on my mind that I'm going to just do this post in numbered form- sorry no time for eloquence today.

1. I am committing to post once a week. I'm spending so much time focusing on this diet that it's all I have time for. I may be able to do more- but at least I will post once a week.

2. Thanks Denise for your comments! When Amberlyn and I decided to do this, I had no idea about the blog and had no idea she had such a faithful friend. I appreciate your words of encouragement and strength- keep them coming!

3. I feel fabulous- for the first time in my married life I'm feeling good about losing weight.

4. Denise is right- this program may not be right for you Amberlyn- maybe not right now.

5. BUT- you can do this! Quit talking about failing and be positive. Give this your all! If after a month you still feel the same way- then you can re-evaluate. You are a strong woman- a great friend and a wonderful mother. You can find a way to make this work for you.

6. Amberlyn and I are going to have different experiences with this. We need to be a support to each other and not have a competition. My body holds onto weight after I have a baby- heck I swear I gained weight in the past just thinking about getting pregnant. My youngest is almost 2. Your baby is barely 2 months. This is going to work differently for us and it may seem easier for me but I assure you it's dang hard. I'm just not one to express that openly
- believe me- I was crying to my husband yesterday. And I can do the fast start and have the appetite suppressant- which is really helping me. You've got to do it on sole will-power and I know you can!

7. I'm so glad we were able to get back in touch doing this weight loss clinic together. But don't worry about me if you choose it's not your thing. I'm okay with that. But I'm not okay with you feeling like you've failed. So give it all you've got for the next 29 days!

8. My husband has a protein shake every time he has a craving- don't know if this is better or worse than a bite of cookie dough- but just a thought.

I think this is enough for today! I'm looking forward to Friday...our weigh in. And if we've both lost weight, even if it's only 1/2 pound- we're getting our toes done! Have a great day- and believe in yourself.

Call me if you need to!

Yeah for Weights and Stretching

So today is the day. I started working out again this morning. I lifted my lower body and did some stretches!!! It felt GREAT!!! I realized as I was writing down what I did, that I haven't lifted in almost a year. It's been almost a year since I got pregnant with Grace. Wow, how time flies when your "having fun". Anyway, my legs are wobbly and shaky. I know I'm going to be sore tomorrow, but what a great feeling to have again.
And I have been perfect with my eating so far today. I've only had one meal, but it was perfect. I talked with Mandy this morning and we both agreed that this is something that we can definately do for a least a month. Her husband told her it was going to be hard, and I whole heartedly agree with that. As I was talking with her I expressed what my fear was. This is so similar to the 6 Day Body Make-Over, and I hated that program that in the back of my mind I'm already telling myself that I can't do this, it's too hard. Mandy pointed out that this is probably a pattern for me. A pattern of telling myself that things are just too hard. Which is probably true. Even though this Absolute program is going to be hard, and it definately not what I want to do for the rest of my life, I CAN and WILL do this for a month. And I might not do it perfectly, I will make mistakes, but I wont fall off the wagon. Like Dr. Oz's book says, I will make the next available U-turn and start getting back on track. If I happen to make a mistake.

Obligation

I am truly second guessing this whole Absolute clinic. But the one thing that is going to keep me going this month, and this is pathetic, is the money. I've already paid 130 bones for this month and the shots. I almost feel obligated to go back. But then I have to tell myself, this is my life. And if I truly feel like this isn't going to work for me, then I should back away. But I'm also worried about what my husband is going to say about the money. I should have researched this clinic a lot more then what I did before I made such a big commitment. And what do I tell Mandy? I want to do this with and for her too!!!
I don't think this program is something that I can live with for the rest of my life. I think your right Denise, I need to find something that will work for me for the REST of my LIFE. Besides, I like the whole spiritual aspect to this whole journey so much more.
I know I need help losing weight. For now, I will go to Absolute for this month and then re-evaluate where I am.

Confession #1

I'm going to step up on my soap box, so just bare with me:

HELLO!!! No breads!!! I can deal with the no pasta or no rice. Those really don't tempt me one bit. But come on, not bread. I love a good sandwich. That means I can't have eggs on toast, or even an open face sandwich. And I'm suppose to be eating a lot of eggs in the morning. Oh Gosh, I can just feel the gag reflex coming on. And let's just take this one step further, that would also mean no chips. Hello, chips and salsa is one of my most favorite foods. I could handle replacing the chips with baked whole wheat pita chips, but I can't even do that. Am I totally setting myself up for failure? Even Leslie said she wasn't going to totally take away the Diet Cokes because she didn't want to set us up for failure. Well, I don't want to say it, but I'm kinda feeling that my new BFF Failure is going to be visiting me by this Saturday!!!! I DON'T WANT TO FAIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What is a girl suppose to do? I don't want to be freaking fat anymore. But I also don't want to FAIL anymore!!! I guess I have to make this into something that I really want, and is it? Yes it is.

It's a good thing I'll be filling my days with research on Spiritual Gifts.

Serenity Now, Serenity Now, Serenity Now.

Absolute Nutrition and Weightloss

Well, I had my first meeting with the weight loss clinic. I stood on a scale and saw what my body was made up of, body fat, muscle fat and water weight. Unfortunately, I'm not caring a lot of water. I guess that's good and bad. Good, because I'm not consuming a lot of salt, and the Diet Coke is okay once in a while. Bad, because I was hoping to get rid of the easy stuff first and fast. Nothing's going to be easy about this program. As Leslie, the diet coach, was explaining the whole eating program, my heart sank. The eating program is a cross between the 6 Day Body Makeover (which I absolutely hated and detest) and Body for Life (which I LOVED and have had success with that in the past). Unfortunately it's a little more like the 6 day. I can't have any bread, rice, or white flour. Or any kind of bread for that matter. I told this to my friend Melissa and she asked me for how long. I told her till my weight comes off. There was a pause and this was her response, "Well, good luck with that one." Yes, I know, it's going to be hard. But it must work. Loads of people are losing weight this way. And I, too will lose weight this way as well. All my fears of failure are resurfacing though. I know how hard this is going to be, I'm not going to kid myself. But I want this so badly!!! And along with my other revelations, I feel like it's going to really, truly happen for me.
I was there with my friend Mandy. It's a darn good thing I'm doing it with someone. It's going to make this process a lot easier. Along with my amazing blogging friends. Shout out to my Peeps Denise and Amy.
So this weekend I'm wrapping my brain around what I get to eat(notice to positive approach to that). And almost getting a sick feeling about all the things I'm going to have to give up. All I can say, is that it's a good thing I still get to have fruit. Yeah for the natural sugars.

The other fat girl

I don't know if anybody has been wondering who the other fat girl was from the title of our blog: confessof2fatgirls- but here I am. I'm just a late-bloomer!

Amberlyn and I are starting our transformation together. We both have our appointments at the weight loss clinic tomorrow. And we are on our way to being our thinner, better selves.

As I've read Amberlyn's posts, I have been amazed how she's put it all out there. This process for me is going to be a little slower. While I've realized over the past few years that my weight is more than just a physical issue, (I was in denial for years) I haven't been able to dig deep and define it as Amberlyn has in the past week or so. My ability to do this will take months, I think. So be patient!

I am grateful for Amberlyn's candidness and the comments of her friend Denise. I don't know who she is but I'm hoping she'll send some of her words of wisdom my way. And I welcome feedback from others as well.

I hope I can be as open and honest as Amberlyn- and I will try. I'll also try to post everyday to journal my progress. I definitely think it helps to write out my feelings- it provides clarity of thought and accountability. Thanks Amberlyn for setting the bar so high!